New here... but not so new to picking

Hi, I'm new here. Been at it for about 25 years. Cant' believe I still have a face (or skin on my neck, back, shoulders, chest arms, torso and legs). I cover it well but often feel like everyone notices anyway. I've been reading different things here and there about CSP today. One thing I didn't like reading is that CSP sufferers may feel a sense of relief or pleasure after skin picking. I always feel shameful, defeated and many times more anxious. 4 hours in the mirror does not give me pleasure! Some of you may feel a relief or pleasure but I bet most do not. I'm curious. Also, I have read that CSP is related to perfectionism. I guess everyone in my life would say I am a perfectionist, except me. I know I'm not perfect. My skin picking does not help me feel perfect! It may "clean my skin" but my skin screams imperfection. So, if someone is striving for perfection, why would they destroy themselves? I don't understand. Finally, my husband (who knows full well what I do and asked me to get some help within the first years of our marriage because "it's just not normal.") and I also have a term called "searching." This is when I am watching TV or doing anything that involves a free hand and feeling my scalp, face, back or wherever I can reach for something to scratch or that may need picking later. Sometimes I'm aware of it but I'm often not. He notices it first. I feel like it's part of the disorder. Instead an early warning sign to stay out of the bathroom, it usually ends of being a good indicator that I will pick, a lot. Sadly, I have had problems with depression and anxiety for years. I am, and have been, on many medications for many years. None seem to help my picking. I actually pick less when I'm severely depressed because I have little motivation to do anything. Sorry for those of you who are considering medication. It may help you. It does not seem to help me. Of course there are so many out there it might be worth trying, especially if you don't need meds for anything else. I feel like I'm rambling now. I'm actually curious if anyone will read it and respond. I've never done this before! I'm happy to answer any questions about my experience with meds, but I am NOT a doctor and I will NOT try to be one. Thanks!

i think that it's time to get this out of the closet. how about everyone agreeing to consult with their doctors and admit openly to them everything that is divulged here. the obsessiveness, the compulsiveness, the need. everything. if medication is what it will take to assist with addressing the disorder, perhaps it will be prescribed. if therapy is indicated, perhaps it will be prescribed. if there is advice to be obtained, perhaps it will be given. but with the truth out in the open and a more honest communication between patient and health care provider at least that base will be covered toward a resolution that is so dearly wanted. yes, coming out to of the closet is one of the hardest things to do but it might be the most imperative if there is a skin condition or infection that must be addressed first and foremost. once that has been stricken off the list, then plans can be put together regarding diet, skin care regimens, stress/anxiety reduction measures, therapies, vitamins, supplements, support systems and the like can be brought together in a plan. but the first step would be opening up to the health care provider to get that medical advice once full disclosure has been made. what say? it is time that doctors address this issue/compulsion and the apparent severity of it. hiding it from them has done no good whatsoever. i have come clean with my doctor and dermatologist and frankly it feels good having done that. i am less ashamed. i am more progressive in my self care as a result. and believe me, when i need my dermatologist, he'd better be ready !! because i will. but for the time being, i am owning up to my part in the ordeal and am trying my best to be good to my skin and i aim to get better and eventually get my behaviour part of it behind me.

YESSSS!! I am in your exact boat. 2 weeks I went and thought I was pick free but all week I have picked and I JUST stopped 5 mins ago. I picked for 45 mins and now my face looks horrible. Im so depressed about it. UGH! I would love to be your partner. My bf is the same way as your husband. I am 24 and he is 25 and if I am even in the bathroom too long hes like "BAAAAABE...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" And I lie!! That's how bad it is! Ugh. I can't believe I've done it again. Today was bad. I am with you!

Hi Mdmadre I am 26 and have been compulsively picking since I was 12, starting maybe a month after my first period. I began when a close cousin said to pick my blackheads on a vacation in mexico. I went into the bathroom and from that time on, I have been in agony with this problem. Most people thought it was a teenage phase, but it took over my life. I have lost hope and wanted to die and done some pretty drastic things. School was hell for me. I was a cross country runner and did my make-up in the shower, trying to unfog the mirror long enough to cover up my wounds out of shame that everyone would see how bad it really was...and it got pretty gory and still gets this way. I did not date much. After running (because I would not run without make-up on), the make-up would get into the wounds, if i had recently picked them, and burn terribly. I was much worse in high school and college with picking than I am now, but it can still get very bad. (I, too, am writing because I just picked). I would pick in the mirror and wipe the "ooze" onto the mirror. I never would have had an acne problem, but the damage to my skin became so bad that I think I did end up getting painful pimples under the skin, no doubt due to infections, bleeding, covering fresh wounds with make-up in an effort to get out of the house. I develped strange phobias of rain, for instance, because I thought that when it rained my makeup went into my pores more and caused more pimples. I did not eat certain foods...ice cream, peanut butter...and I am still wary--though much less so--of eating certain foods, drinking coffee, etc... After college, I went home and generally did not go out of my parents' house except for a few trips out, but I would spend my days sleeping and nights picking and back in that awful cycle, sometimes picking up to several hours. This all came to a head when I had to move out. I did some what better but not too well. I started seeing someone (whom I am still with-about two years now), and he moved in. This was hell for me. I did not want him to know, and I would wash my face when he was already asleep and wake up before him and fix my make-up. Picking became difficult, and I ended up lying to him and telling him the reason I was in the bathroom so long was due to nosebleeds (although, sometimes this was true, as nosebleeds were common if I was picking my nose and putting pressure on it). Eventually I told him, and he was not grossed out, but like your husband, he does not get it and I get the feeling that he probably doesn't want to talk about it with me...so even now I do not talk about it. We went hiking in a camper for three months, and these months were also excruciating (In some ways, I was testing myself to see in what conditions I would still do this to myself...and it tuens out that in below freezing, with a picket mirror in the bushes, I would still do it. However, this time period became one of trust for me also, even when he did not understand and became angry that I would do it to myself. He was a person--not family--who seemed to genuinely care, knowing the full extent of the problem. Sex was/is difficult sometimes. I now wash my face when we go to bed, but I do not look at him and have never looked at him without make-up in the morning or at night...it is absurd, but I have a lot of shame and confusion dealing with this...not being able to do basic things like going swimming or running anymore...(out of phobia of sweat and skin impact)..I used to schedule classes early in the morning so I would be forced to get up and get ready and not dwell in the mirror, but i often ended up missing class. I do not want to do this. I would refute anyone who claims I am a masochist. I think that it began as a coping mechanism and quikly became a habit...and all kinds of mental coping mechanisms added nuance to the habit....making it more of a phantom really that I had no control over. My most recent hope (though I know I need to probably try out therapy again) has--aside from living with a person who has been-for the most part-a calming presence in my life-had actually been going to the dermatologist (my mom made the appointment...I thought it was the wrong place to start but, in fact, my skin was so painful back in february (I had just started school again) that I was worried I had an infection. Showing the derm. my skin in that awful lighting, with no make-up, was terrifying. My anxiety was so awful that I could hardly speak (which is not like me) and ended up just crying in the room with her. I think she was even amazed at how bad it really was--I have become very good at covering my skin. She recommended several psychiatrists and gave me a box of sample cream to help the healing. I don't want to market cream but I will--mimeyx cream. I also am taking sulfameth/trimethoprim (the generic for bactrum?...not sure exactly). I have been doing this for three months, and my skin, originally, healed so well that I was spending only fifteen minutes getting ready in the morning and did not have the urge to pick because I was overwhelmed and excited. However, the problem does not go away. I still pick and-it seems-more so now that I think this cream can just rapidly heal the wound? I'm not sure...my skin still looks a great deal better than it did...I am going to go running tomorrow...I occasionally show half of my face in bed, watching TV at night..on a good night. School was less a stress because I had more time to focus with less time being spent in the bathroom. Also going back to the dermatologist on a monthly basis gives me a goal...I want to show her that it is helping...thought this can be a bit silly since I am still picking. Sometimes, when I set goals, I can force myself to stop entirely for about a week, but usually, the ruge comes back...I end up disgusted by one little spot, zooming in in the mirror and suddenly unable to stop, losing track of time. I read in a local paper on girls who cut and how the wounding also causes a chemical release of whatever it is that creates comfort? Not sure...but this made a lot of sense to me. Face picking is a very silent and socially "unacceptable" reaction to stress, bad relationships, etc...I am sure that I had poor self esteem, and I know that my anxiety is occasionally not too great. When I was 16, I thought I had BDD and told my therapist this. I do not think that anymore...I do not link this to hair pulling either..because for me, it is a very visual problem...it has to do with your direct image, with your acceptance of yourself maybe...seeing in the mirror and numbing yourself through the process of picking? I'm not sure. I know that I want to get better and not to die like I did a couple of years ago. I am going to keep trying. One therapist told me that the reason I did it was to create a cycle of hoping and being let down...but I'm not sure about this. I do not think I pick to reach an apex of pain that I will then be able to hope myself out of. As though I enjoyed this cycle...it is a very confusing thing and I do think it is a chemical thing in the brain. Some medications may help...I have not had any luck with anti-depressants. Maybe I gave up on them too soon. I also have some issues with taking antidepressants...though I do not want to be too vocal about them because I realize that a lot of people do very well on them...and that it is a matter of searching for the "right fit" Anyway, I want to let you know (and perhaps myself in writing) that all is not lost. We stuggle, and our struggles remain as reminders on our faces...which makes it (I think more difficult to escape) People do care about you even if they don't understand...your husband is probably mad because it pains him that you have this consuming you instead of other things you love in life. It is also a very deceptive habit. Sometimes, you go several days thinking--and I believe truly thinking--you are on your way out of it. This is perhaps naive, but it is what keeps you going. You have to force yourself to get out of the mirror, get dim the lighting for the mirrors you use, keep other things in your hands (a cat to pet, a stress ball (this never worked for me). Also, part of this issue, for me, is aggression. I am aggressive by nature I think--type A personality. If you are not active--physically I mean--you will only steep yourself further into your private pain of utter stagnation. Going out into the world is crucial even though it is uncomfortable...maybe you don't have it as bad as I have? I think that anyone who "has it" understands these things though. If you ever want to talk...and not me so much writing, let me know. I am a good listener and think it would benefit me also to hear from others. Katie

Hi, I am 24 and pick my legs, mostly but have bouts of picking my arms and chest, somtimes my face. I am doing good right now but i'm scared about slipping up. I'd love to talk to you about quitting together...let me know :) hang in there, girl. we all have bad days. <3