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cherrycolalola , 20 Aug 2010

when you havent seen someone in a long time(how to deal with reactions)

Hi everyone! Its sooo good to be posting a topic on here. It has been a while since I've used the site and Im in a place where I need to again. Leave it to an extended period of time without skinpick.com to prove to you how much it is needed (at least in this pickers life that is). I have missed the community and support I receive here. I only hope I can be wise enough to keep using this site this time. Anyway, Im encountering a new problem caused by picking (they seem to keep coming and getting more complex). I have been traveling around the last few years, but am now back in my home town. For the past few days I have been absolutely consumed with fear. I am terrified of seeing people. When I left my skin was pretty bad, but since Ive been away traveling it has undergone an extreme change. Because I tried to cover it up with makeup 24/7 I developed an infection(this was about a year ago). At least I think it was an infection. My dermatologist said it was "severe acne", but I dont believe it was. Yes, there was acne to be sure, but what my skin was doing was something else. I developed huge cyst-like things all over my face. They swelled up and wouldn't go away. They weren't individual spots either, they sort of connected underneath my skin. In the worst areas my skin was stretched out a quarter inch or more outwards by the fluid underneath. It hurt to touch my skin, it hurt to shower, it hurt to lie down on a pillow. It was the first time I found myself completely unable to hide my picking. For years I had been like most pickers; an expert at disguising the damage. I knew all about makeup techniques and which products worked for me. I knew how much damage I would cause before I caused it, and how long I would take to heal etc. I hid behind my hair and isolated in my house when it was really bad, always thinking I looked completely unacceptable. But after this infection everything changed. I realized how truly dangerous picking can be. So it has taken about a year for the worst to go away. I have been left with a few very large cysts and very large scars and scar tissue. The scar tissue is raised and thick and wont go away. I cant really cover it up. Now the part Im having an extremely hard time with is seeing old friends, family, and most specifically my ex. I cannot get over the anxiety and pain of looking so completely different and freakish. Its like Ive been in a horrible accident. In my mind Ive gone from beautiful to side-show freak overnight and I just cannot make peace with it. I have yet to see my ex, but I know I will soon, and to say I am dreading it is an understatement. I sometimes feel like I would rather die than face him. I replay the face I imagine he will make when he sees me and how awful I will feel. Although I do not want to date him I desperately want him to be attracted to me physically. Now logically I know that this is pointless to harp on. I know I cant change the past and that I have to focus on myself and move forward. I also know I shouldn't put all my self-esteem in his hands. But knowing all this doesn't change the fear of the future, the shame, and the self-hate that is completely consuming me. Right now I feel like Im in some kind of ironic picker hell. I started picking because I wanted to be perfect and make sure people liked me. (its linked to an eating disorder that started at the same time). And in seeking that perfection and acceptance Ive made the struggle so much worse. I was so afraid of being ugly that I made myself so. Anyway I dont know what else to do other than ask for help here. I know there have got to be those of you out there who have encountered a similar situation. I could really use any advice you can throw my way right now. How do you face people you haven't seen in a long time? How do you deal with their reactions? How do you preserve the self-esteem you do have? I know the way out of this is to let go and learn to be with what is inside and out. And I know that bc I hated myself into this I have to love myself out of it. But I am really struggling right now. Picking is killing my spirit and I worry the social interactions I will soon have to go through will only make it worse. Any help would be appreciated. I also wanted to add that although I haven't met any of you, I have so much love for you all. This disorder is unlike any other and is so hard to treat. I feel for all of us who struggle with it day in and day out.
7 Answers
Bathsheba
August 22, 2010
Hi cherrycolalola, I'm so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. I too have got to that painful extreme that you describe in the past. It sounds like that joining up under the skin could be folliculitis (infected hair follicles). I suffer from this and asked for anti-biotics from the doctor - they didn't work but I have found bathing my skin with salt-water really helps. I mix 1 tablespon of sea salt with half a pint of water in a bottle, then shake it up and apply it on cotton wool. It can be painful at first but it seems to isolate each wound and stops it swelling out of control. It also stops it itching and dries out weeping wounds, which enables me to conceal it better. I really hope this helps you too. I also have ex issues - I think it's natural to want to look good when you see them - even though you don't want him back you want to feel you have self-respect and aren't in a mess when you see him. I am also a perfectionist and began picking (like so many others) in an attempt to acheive flawless beauty. As I write it sounds so stupid but I know i'm in good and understanding company when I describe this contradictory thinking. I'm really struggling to love myself out of this too as the hating takes over too easily and I find myself wanting attention from my ex to make me feel better. Like me, you seem to know what to do but can't. I need to find the strength to like myself and get sorted for myself and get it out of my head that I need reassurance from my ex (in my case from a complete arsehole who's made my anxiety and self-esteem thus CSP worse anyway). I really empathise with you and that's maybe all I can offer you but I felt less crazy to read your post and just wanted you to know someone else is going through similar issues and hope you feel better. x
cherrycolalola
August 23, 2010

In reply to by Bathsheba

Thank you so much Bathsheba. It means everything to know there are other pickers out there who care and are battling the same issues. I will try the sea salt. You are spot on in your observation that I want to feel like I have self-respect and have it together. The having it together part is huge. You mentioned that your ex made your picking worse. Mine did too. Actually I wont blame him, because no one makes us pick but ourselves(or rather the power of the addiction), but I can relate. I thought that in relationships you can share your worries and the part of you that is not together and be accepted, but it seemed that part of me only made him mad and upset. He took a tone of pity a lot of the time which made me feel awful and powerless, and made set me so far back in the self-esteem department it has taken a long time to recover. Yes you are right that we have to find our own strength. Im trying to have the attitude that it doesnt matter what I look like on the outside, because my looks are not a way to measure my sanity. The ironic thing about the whole situation is that this year, although being the worst for me skin-wise, has also made me stronger than I have ever been in my life. Ive learned a lot about myself going through this last episode, probably things I wouldnt have learned in life otherwise. Of course this is how I look at it on a good day. For the bad ones (the wallow in self-pity, Ive ruined my life, Im crazy, no-one- will ever- love- me days) I come here haha. Thank you for sharing we me some kindness. Like I said we have to love ourselves out of this. Its good to know others on here can also help love us out too.
Bathsheba
August 23, 2010

In reply to by cherrycolalola

You are so welcome. You sound so similar to me and although we pickers all feel like we're crazy at times, it seems that the people who have this are really sound, lovely people too, so that's redeeming for us! I feel like we've got alot to offer if we can get over this obstacle. Your description of self-pitying days sounds exactly like mine and now I too reach for the my laptop. Picking has caused me to be very solitary for about 10 years and hindered all I've ever wanted, yet leading a different, solitary life has made me who I am and I wouldn't wish to be different even though it's hard work at times. But now I'm happy to accept who I am and get on with it, it's time to focus on stopping picking. Thanks for your support. I really am grateful - I told my mum and sisters about dermatillomania and how positive I felt to not be alone and they changed the subject after saying I spend too much time on the net (I really don't -I only got it the other week!) I felt like an idiot then incredibly comforted that I could come here for sanctuary. You sound strong and wise and this litte interaction has really give me a boost, cheers!
cherrycolalola
August 28, 2010

In reply to by Bathsheba

Good to hear it Bathsheba! Also, congrats on telling your family! I cannot tell you how much my life has improved since I opened up to a few trusted people. Before, when I was having a bad day, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone why. Now not only do I have people on the forum to talk to, I also have friends and family I can actually call. Every time I am strong enough to pick up the phone and tell someone "I picked today. And this is how I feel about it...." I feel like I am breaking down the addiction. It becomes less of this big hidden monster and usually helps cut down my picking time. I don't feel as hopeless and therefore avoid the "f*#@k it" attitude that tends to lead to the worst kind of damage. We definitely have a lot to offer. I think learning to love yourself when society or your own mind tells you you are unacceptable is something powerful, especially in this day and age. And hey, sanity is relative right! haha. Your post also gave me a boost. Thanks!
Popcorn47
August 23, 2010
Something else to think about...I have some areas (not on my face) but on my shoulders, back, chest, breasts, stomach,... The areas all started out like little black dots. But these particular areas (the ones I'm going to talk about) suddenly started to behave differently. I had this one ingrown hair (often the cause of starting a new picking spot, adding to the acreage) on my chest near one breast. This little spot would go from being a single ingrown thick black hair, which at the time I thought was gross, (being a girl and all), turn into a pus-filled whitehead, get very itchy, I'd scratch the hell out of it until it turned into a red bump. It stayed this way always going back and forth for 15 years or so. Then as if a switch went off, everything changed. This same, familiar black-dot-turned-ingrown-hair-turned-pus-filled-whitehead-turned-red-blotch,....then the cycle changed, with no notice. As my "familiar" bump "healed" I noticed the addition of 2 or 3 satellite black dots around it, like someone just took a pen or Sharpie marker and made 2 or 3 little dots randomly around it. They were not blackheads, not zits, they weren't raised, not hairs, not ingrowns. Just dots. As time went on and my "cycle" repeated, eventually each "dot" turned into another bump. Point is, I now have collections of sometimes two, or three, up to five bumps, that are connected. They are NOT like 2 zits or cysts next to each other. They are truly grown together. My doctor said they are keloids. (I am white, by the way, and based on data I could pull up, keloids are more common among darker races,...on dark skin they appear raised and light pink. On my lighter complexion they are bright purple, feel like raised rubber, like I can feel a liquid beneath them but if poked, no liquid can be squeezed out). My doctor surgically removed one from a little group of two connected keloids on my shoulder, and one from a group of four connected keloids on my chest/breast. (Sent them to path to make sure they were not cancer). In both places, they GREW BACK! Even though they were surgically removed, they actually grew back on their own, and they grew back bigger and angrier than before. The skin around them is pink and inflamed. The tops look white, like from pressure building up underneath. And the scars themselves which used to be holes are now raised like 1/8th to 1/4 of an inch. They can't be flattened or removed. And they also do not respond to any bleaching treatments. Cortisone injected into them does not work. As the years go by (I am now 47) they just get worse and grow more. I started with one little dot on my chest (sternum) and one on my shoulder. I thought I was devasted then. Well now I've got clusters of these purple things on both my shoulders, my neck and upper back, forget showing cleavage because all the eyes will notice are these purple monsters on my boobs. They've grown to where I have clusters of 2-4 which have formed randomly on each breast, and I've started to get them now going down my stomach. Ingrown hairs from shaving (upper thigh and bikini area) all turn to bright red or purple spots,- they stay flat, they're not keloids, but for years, they have yet to "go away" or lighten back up. I have red bumps on my scalp (and I have extremely thin, thinning, fine, see-through hair), and my face, depending on where I am in my "picking cycle" will either be what "I call clear" but to others shows deep ice pick scars which started from a car accident I had in which the windshield came through my face and glass was stuck in, and dug out, removed, and scrubbed out of, my face and scalp, many years ago,...along with many other injuries,...but that's when my facial scarring started. On a good day, I still find I must wear makeup just to look sort of normal, or like a woman with moderate acne might look if she did NOT wear makeup!! I am no longer a "no makeup" faced woman. Not even on "good days." On "bad days" it's tough to say because I'll get a combo of the holes, (the small ones, and the bigger ones that are actually open sores and makeup won't stick to the skin, making it look that much redder), peeling skin, raised bumps, the legitimate acne (zits and cysts), and these past two years I started noticing that my skin is getting patchy,...like Michael Jackson's when he lost pigment. I'm developing these white patches that makeup won't even out. I'm a social recluse and have turned inwards because of this so much that I've hurt myself, my family, my parents,....my Husband is not even remotely supportive, he's just gotten so worn out by the years of me doing this to myself and he doesn't understand why, if I already know I'm hurting myself, why don't I "just stop doing it" then? He doesn't get it, and he's disgusted by it, and by my lack of self-control. It's played a huge part in eroding my marriage and contributed to me losing employment. (I've been out of work for 2 years now). If it were only so simple now as covering a few marks,....Read my story and maybe it'll help you put a different spin on your situation. We all suffer and it's relative to our own lives,...no one hurts more than you or less than you,....we're all here because we're confused, lonely, desperate. I'm downright scared. Your feelings of wanting his acceptance are very real, don't belittle them. I've been there myself. At the time I figured I didn't want to see my ex again until I had laser resurfacing done because I was so embarassed. Then a doctor showed me a photo of a person who had developed these "keloid scars" like I described from picking,...and the laser resurfacing ended up giving him one huge raised purple scar from his eyes to his chin, the whole area he was trying to "heal" and "smooth" over from the scarring turned into it's own scar. It made me wonder if we do this enough to ourselves, if eventually any trauma to our skin, even a kitten scratch, and it's laid the groundwork for potential dots, zits, pick marks, bumps, "rashes" that turn into clusters of cauliflower....I think over time, our skin will reach a threshold of tolerance where ANY disturbance, even a tiny nick, opens us up to all sorts of potential new picking grounds for scars.
cherrycolalola
August 28, 2010

In reply to by Popcorn47

Hi Popcorn47. It sounds like you have had one hell of a battle with this. The thing you said about your husband not understanding why you cannot just stop sounds familiar to me. I am not married, but I can relate. I have had people say that to me, lovingly and otherwise. I think the problem is that some people do not understand how this addiction works.In fact I don't think they would even categorize picking as an a addiction in the first place. Many of the people I have told about it didn't know csp existed until I told them about my history with it. Someone told me that the definition of addiction is when you are doing something that you know is hurting yourself, yet you are unable to stop. I don't think all non-pickers understand this. The thing about keloids really frightens me. I am bi-racial and wonder if I would scar if I got a treatment done. I may already have keloids Im not sure. All I know is I can't have anything done until I have stopped picking completely. It doesnt matter how good my skin looks, if Im in the habit of picking I will keep going after myself, treatment or no treatment. I can relate to the desperation. I feel it so often. Sometimes it is completely incapacitating. There are times, however, where I find the power to choose to not let it affect me so much. Sometimes I can step back a moment and just be okay with what my skin is, right in this moment. I find that my feelings around picking, and the negative view I often have of myself are only as strong as I make them up to be. Its the worst when I decide to let how other people see me become my reality. I wind up believing their views of me are the ultimate truth of who I am and what I am worth. ie- that person thinks I am ugly, so I am ugly, period. Its a horrible position to be in because I am ultimately placing my self-esteem in the hands of someone else. Ive found that it is the same voice that tells me these "truths" that makes me pick. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway I am with you in the struggle. I feel less alone hearing your story. Thanks
Popcorn47
August 28, 2010

In reply to by cherrycolalola

Hi Cherry. You are right on about everything you said, and I can relate. I think that one of the most frustrating things is, like you pointed out, when we know intellectually that we're doing something to harm ourselves, yet we can't stop. That just sounds so bizarre and unreal, how do people that, and why? Yet here we are! I've heard such comments made to smokers too. If you want to quit, "just" don't put a cigarette in your mouth. Or, "just" don't have a drink. The concept of addiction and the difference between knowing in our heads one thing, yet our actions carry out something totally contradictory, sounds almost silly. I think my problem is with the word "just." As if it's as simple as a switch. I wonder if other addicts, like those in AA, would at least relate to the addiction side of this disease. It sounds so illogical to knowingly hurt ourselves, and that's where comments like my husband's come in when they don't get it. My husband also is healthy as a horse, has never touched a cigarette, doesn't drink, etc. He can't "relate" to it. Personally I could call his behavior with a computer an "addiction," he'd go through withdrawal if he "just" stopped getting on there to game. But he doesn't see it that way. I've tried to draw parallels but that just blows right back in my face. If someone has never tried to quit a "bad behavior" before, they cannot grasp just how tightly wound we are around this condition. I don't know why it feels so important to me to have "understanding" by anyone else. Why should I care if anyone else "understands" the nature of this? Ultimately I think we all are selfish individuals (meaning every person, because we do things for our own personal benefit,...even reaching out to help another person has shown there's a benefit to the person reaching out, a "helper's high" -- so even that is selfish.) I don't think that's necessarily negative, it just sort of is what it is. Truth is that despite how much I rationalize or intellectualize, my emotional side still feels lonely and does seek out the support of others to "understand."

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