Never realized I had Dermatillomania--until now.
Posted October 20th, 2010 by BirthrightOfInsanity
At least I'm assuming it's Dermatillomania. Let me start from the beginning. Ever since I was a child, very young, I always picked at the scars on my arm. I don't quite remember where they came from, but I always saw it as 'bad, ugly' skin. And I wanted to have 'better' skin growing. I'm 20 now, and this problem hasn't faded. In fact, it's gotten worse. I realize now that the scab has to well, heal, duh, before it gets better. Now I pick for different reasons. Sometimes for no reason. It usually happens the most when I'm stressed.. which is often. My family has a history of depression. My grandfather on my dad's side had border-line skitzophrenia, as well as all six of his kids. (I did research and don't show any symptoms. I did hear voices when I was younger shortly after my mom died and I was harrassed at school, but that was years ago. Back then, I also did more than pick at my skin. Picking was just my favorite form of hurting myself then.) I also have high anxiety and paranoia issues. Example: I just watched Paranormal Activity with my boyfriend a few nights ago. Up until the end of the movie, I wasn't scared. It has more than one ending, but the one I saw terrified me. Before it was even fully over, I was hyperventilating, crying, shaking, and i couldn't open my eyes in fear 'something' was there, despite my boyfriend doing his best to comfort me. Even when I finally was able to open my eyes, I couldn't move for another few minutes, and when I did, I curled into the corner of the wall so I could see EVERYTHING in the room. Anyway, point being, all that causes stress. It hasn't been nearly as bad lately since my boyfriend has been in my life, but I still find myself getting upset and frustrated at the smallest thing, and I'm picking at my arm, or at a corner of my thumb. My arms are covered in scars from previous scabs. It's ugly, but I don't seem to mind most days. Not until I see it in the mirror. I want to stop. I finally did research on it tonight, and was surprised that it actually had a name. I thought it would be something like 'self mutation' or whatever. I don't want to rely on it as a stress-reliever without even realizing it until it's over. I don't want my family to have to remind me to stop--I want to do it on my own! Is there anyone who's been through this that has stopped?