Giving up and giving out
Posted September 18th, 2012 by Aargh
I feel like I just can't do this anymore. For nearly 3 years now I have been picking at my face and neck. Now, I am in my mid-40s and what used to be beautiful skin (people commented on it!) is now blotchy, discolored, and scarred. I look absolutely horrible. I have managed to stop picking at all but one huge place on my neck that over the years has grown to be the size of a small plum. The scar creeps up the side of my neck to my jawline and pulls at the skin, making me look like I've had a stroke or something. My facial scars are healed and flat, but still very large and obvious. My dermatologist is exasperated with me (can't blame him), and keeps injecting the neck scar with some sort of steroid to reduce the itching and raised redness. But I just can't leave it alone. Everytime the wound almost heals, some itchy, raised part will drive me crazy until I dig out whatever hard, clearish core (some of our posters here call them spikes) is lurking in the lump. Of course, it (scar tissue?) eventually returns, so the end result it that I never can get my wound completely healed. It's a vicious cycle. Try as I might, I just can't seem to stop. It hurts. I am so embarrassed. I am frustrated. I am depressed. I am angry at myself. I'm tired of doing this to myself; I'm tired of wasting my time and my life...and not being able to stop. I'm tired of trying to conceal it with turtlenecks, scarves, thick necklaces, long hair, etc.; I'm tired of people staring and asking me for the millionth time, "What's up with your neck?" Honestly, I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. I just don't see a realistic way to stop. Does anyone else out there feel this depressed and desperate? Can anyone offer some hope or consolation? The thought of living the rest of my life like this is just overwhelming. Sorry for the self-absorbed, pity-party rant. I'm just at the end of my rope. Aargh!! Thanks for listening.