Giving up and giving out

Posted September 18th, 2012 by Aargh
I feel like I just can't do this anymore. For nearly 3 years now I have been picking at my face and neck. Now, I am in my mid-40s and what used to be beautiful skin (people commented on it!) is now blotchy, discolored, and scarred. I look absolutely horrible. I have managed to stop picking at all but one huge place on my neck that over the years has grown to be the size of a small plum. The scar creeps up the side of my neck to my jawline and pulls at the skin, making me look like I've had a stroke or something. My facial scars are healed and flat, but still very large and obvious. My dermatologist is exasperated with me (can't blame him), and keeps injecting the neck scar with some sort of steroid to reduce the itching and raised redness. But I just can't leave it alone. Everytime the wound almost heals, some itchy, raised part will drive me crazy until I dig out whatever hard, clearish core (some of our posters here call them spikes) is lurking in the lump. Of course, it (scar tissue?) eventually returns, so the end result it that I never can get my wound completely healed. It's a vicious cycle. Try as I might, I just can't seem to stop. It hurts. I am so embarrassed. I am frustrated. I am depressed. I am angry at myself. I'm tired of doing this to myself; I'm tired of wasting my time and my life...and not being able to stop. I'm tired of trying to conceal it with turtlenecks, scarves, thick necklaces, long hair, etc.; I'm tired of people staring and asking me for the millionth time, "What's up with your neck?" Honestly, I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. I just don't see a realistic way to stop. Does anyone else out there feel this depressed and desperate? Can anyone offer some hope or consolation? The thought of living the rest of my life like this is just overwhelming. Sorry for the self-absorbed, pity-party rant. I'm just at the end of my rope. Aargh!! Thanks for listening.
‹ Worse after relapse Picking = Going Into a TRANCE ›
On September 21st, 2012 olivegreen said:
I'm listening too, just haven't been on here in a few days!! :) Trust me, you are NOT alone!! Read along one of the really long threads here, that have several hundred responses, and you will see how many people suffer from this. I am amazed at how common it must be, but how little anyone seems to know about it! I guess I consider you lucky to have not suffered from picking your whole life. I started in my teens and have over a decade "in the bag." (Quitting for good, now!) I can understand your embarrassment about people's comments, too. Here's a good example from my life: my husband once caught me picking a scab off of HIM and eating it. How about that? I was mortified, and truly didn't even consciously know I'd done it. This thing can eat you alive. (How's that for a play on words?) The best time to quit is now, and you can do it. Read as much as you can about the disorder and find yourself a plan to quit. Get on here every day if you have to and post. I've found comfort in encouraging others on here to quit. I'm still struggling with urges, but it's totally worth the hard work you'll HAVE to put in to truly quit. Good luck, and check back often! :)
On September 21st, 2012 Aargh said:
Thanks SO much for your encouragement. It's somewhat reassuring to know I'm not the only nutjob out there. ;) You are so right about this being more common than we think but doctors know so little about it. I actually pointed that out to my dermatologist on my last visit when he was injecting my scars and chastising me for the damage I've done. I told him that I had researched CSP and was shocked to see so little written about this disorder. So few scientists have studied this particular type of OCD. And you'd think that dermatologists would have had a seminar about this in medical school. It is stunning to me that this behavior is so misunderstood and unacknowledged. I am absolutely sick of people--usually complete strangers--asking me if I've had surgery on my neck. I've even had friends and co-workers actually physically expose my scars and bandages so they can look at them and say, "What happened to your neck??" Seriously. I can't believe people are so brazen and insensitive. Yes, thank you, I am well aware that I look like a freak. I don't people reminding me of that. I'll bet I get at least one comment a day. The questions used to make me cry and sometimes they still do. But now I'm starting to get to the stage where I'm just numb. That frightens me a bit. Well, I wish you the best of luck in quitting this destructive habit. It is incredibly hard to do--especially in your case where it has been a behavior for a decade, but you sound committed and strong. I'll bet you do great. Thank you again for your kind response. Keep us posted on your progress (and relapses). It's all part of the healing process, I suppose, and it is helpful for all of us to share those struggles.
On September 21st, 2012 olivegreen said:
I appreciate your humor :) Nutjobs, unite!! I don't understand why people think they can make comments about people's scars and such. I get that too especially for a "railroad tracks" scar I have from falling off a horse. I'm hoping that someday you can look at your (FADING!) scar on your neck and feel like it is just a reminder of the road you traveled, and the success story you have of getting over this.
On September 24th, 2012 fromthefactory said:
This has made me think: what is self-harm? I have had comments from people about my scars from cutting my arms but this is more understood now-a-days as it is linked to depression and we have had a raft of well-known people in the media about their experience of self-harm. However, I always make sure to cover my scars from my picking because I don't think people could comprehend such a thing just now. Mental illness is still taboo in some forms to the wider world and it doesn't help if doctors don't have a clue or there is no research into a condition. Apologies for rambling; I know how you feel, and to be honest, wish I didn't.
On September 24th, 2012 Aargh said:
That's a very good question. I always assumed that Chronic Skin Picking is a form of self mutilation, but I recently checked out a website recommended here that deals with trichotillomania which has the same root cause as dermotillomania. Their information page about skin picking says this about comparing it with other forms of self mutilation: "Is skin-picking a self-injurious behavior, like cutting or burning yourself? No. Chronic skin picking can sometimes be confused with self-injurious and self-mutilating behaviors like cutting or burning of the skin because of the appearance of skin wounds and the fact that skin picking is self-inflicted. However, it is very important to distinguish between these two types of behaviors. People with CSP do not wish to cause themselves pain in order to relieve a sense of numbness or to assert a level of control over their bodies like those who cut or burn themselves. While people who pick their skin may find picking to be a pleasurable act, the aftermath is actually one of distress and remorse." Apparently CSP is a trait often found in people with Type A perfectionist personalities (like mine) and people who suffer from anxiety and depression (also me). So there's got to be something there with that type of parallel. It is an informative site if you want to check it out. http://www.trich.org/about/skin-faqs.html
On September 21st, 2012 olivegreen said:
FADING scar from not picking it!!! :)
On September 21st, 2012 Aargh said:
Bless you!
On September 19th, 2012 SpottyFace said:
Hi There, I understand that "end of my rope" feeling! You are so not alone, I promise..even though that's hard to remember at difficult times. I have been picking at my face for the past few years, but recently it has become worse and I've left holes in my face. Not just open sores..I mean holes..imagine a stack of papers and then someone taking a hole punch to it and that's what I have on my face right now. It's humiliating! I just started a new job about a month ago and I've had sores and scabs on my face since I started, but this is the worst. I've hid in my cubicle for the past two days just hoping that nobody comes up to talk to me. I literally sit in my chair for 9 hours and I don't even go to the break room for a drink or to the bathroom because I don't want anyone to see me. I've been late to work because I'm spending so much time in the morning trying to conceal my sores. I'm normally early every where I go and a very friendly person. But this has all changed because of my skin. I keep my head down and I never look at anyone in the eye because I know they will see the horrible damage I'm doing to myself. This is not the person I am, but it's what my picking is turning me into. After spending the last weekend hiding in my apartment, and 2 days hiding in my cubicle...a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!! Enough!! No More!! I refuse to accept this in my life for one more minute!!!
On September 19th, 2012 Aargh said:
Thanks so much for responding. I was beginning to think no one heard or cared and that I was truly a freak. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own drama that we forget to reach out to others. I really appreciate your encouragement. Your post sounds like I could have written it. I, too, have always been an outgoing, confident person, but this has totally changed my personality and the way I deal with people. I avoid social situations, avoid direct conversations, avoid public places during prime time (I've started doing grocery shopping late at night) to keep away from stares and questions. I am frequently late to work for the same reason as you. It's all so crazy, isn't it? How did we let something like this take control of our lives? I admire your "Enough!! No more!!" determination. I've tried it so many times and failed that this is why I find myself in such a state. I pray you have better results than I have. Stay strong and keep me posted on your progress!
On September 21st, 2012 SpottyFace said:
Hi Aargh, I do the same thing about avoiding direct conversations, even at work. I'll call somebody's extension if I have a question, rather than get up and walk a few feet to their desk. I am right now sitting at home, just waiting for it to get dark enough to run to the store to get a few necessities. I have a dime and quarter sized spot on my face. The quarter sized one on the right side has been there for weeks! I'm going to try a new approach with this one. I keep smothering it with calamine lotion while it's still a completely open wound. It seems to heal, but the middle and deepest part seem to fill up with gunk, and then the scab just kinda slides off...and back to square one. That's the most frustrating part, because I really am leaving it alone, but it won't heal! So, I'm just wondering if the calamine is blocking my pores and keeping it from healing. The other spot got infected with staph and I ended up in the aftercare clinic and got some antibiotics...which I'm hoping will help both spots. I've been taking them since wednesday night and I'm hoping that they will be better by monday. You're right that it is completely insane how this has effected my life in every way. I think back to when I was a kid, or even just a few years ago, and never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would have turned into this...I feel like a monster. I think this forum and that talking about this has helped...Don't worry about failing in the past...the past is gone, but the future hasn't happened yet and you can change it!!
On September 22nd, 2012 Aargh said:
Hi SpottyFace (love the screen name!)--thanks for responding. Yep, I know exactly what you mean. I am avoiding people whenever possible and becoming a real hermit which is so NOT my personality. At least you're restraining from picking some. I can't leave this spot alone because I keep getting these weird plugs or bumps under the scar that itch like the devil and when you remove them, they look like a clearish clump of scar tissue that is kind of hard. Hence, my screen name Aargh. Drives me crazy. If I may, let me suggest something for your spots. Stop using the Calamine lotion for awhile. I've found that it works well for the beginning stages of a pimple when it is still red or just slightly open and oozing. But when you've got a full-blown face wound, you don't want to dry it out--something that Calamine is designed to do. Instead, go to your drugstore and find the Nexcare brand waterproof bandages in the assorted sizes. They have a trapezoid-shape bandage that is surrounded by a very thin layer of clear, matte adhesive material. They are more flexible and much less noticeable than traditional bandages--especially the tiny spot size. I've found that plain old Polysporin is the best at healing, disinfecting, and keeping the wound moist which is what you want to do to speed healing and minimize scarring. My dermatologist also gave me a prescription for Biafine emulsion which is a white cream that is a miracle speed healer. Insurance won't cover it and it's expensive as heck, but it is awesome. Finally, go online and do a search for Duoderm, an ultra-thin adhesive dressing that you cut to shape and stick on top of your wound. Someone on this forum suggested it to me, and it truly is great at concealing and healing. It has a light, sheer nude color that is textured and blends in well with your skin. It stays on for a long time, but you'll want to replace it when the center part gets plumped up from the exuding wound fluid underneath. If you order it, be sure to order the ultra-thin variety. The thicker variety is used for larger wounds like bedsores or diabetic ulcers. Shop around for the best price. They are more expensive than regular bandages but very worth it. And each adhesive sheet is large, so you can cut lots of smaller ones out of the main sheet. I typically use the Duoderm during the day at work and the Nexcare bandages with Polysporin the minute I get home and while I sleep. If I'd just leave that spot alone, I'd have it healed in no time, but the picking is just automatic and totally compulsive. These are just suggestions that have worked well for me. Other posters may have different suggestions. If you do decide to try a new regimen, let me know how it goes. Good luck!
On September 22nd, 2012 SpottyFace said:
Thank you so much for your suggestions! It's funny because I had just gone to walgreens and got some nexcare bandages. The doctor gave me some antibacterial ointment that I am putting on my spots, and I'm just hoping that they heal and don't leave too much of a scar. They are really indented and deep. I keep getting the weird plugs and hard clear clumps of skin too!! They are under the scab on my right cheek and it's been there for weeks! I know exactly what you're talking about! I don't see mine under the scab (probably because it's always been covered in calamine), and it really doesn't itch, but that's why my scab won't heal..it seems like it's healing, and the edges of the scab do heal. But the center part (where those plugs are) starts oozing..and the scab comes off, and then of course, I rip out those plugs. What are those?? Drives me Nuts!!!! But I'm definitely taking your suggestions and I'm going to keep it moist and covered with a bandage. My husband is away right now (I'm kinda glad because I've never looked this bad!) But I'm going to visit him in a month..for my 30th birthday. My goal is to be healed and not have any major sores/scabs on my face by that point. I know I won't have perfect skin, and I'm ok with that. I have definitely become a hermit and it makes me miserable..and I'm one cat away from being "the crazy cat lady"!!..lol (love my kitties though:) I feel like a prisoner of my own skin. Talking to you has made me feel better, like I'm not completely alone or crazy. I appreciate it very much.
On September 23rd, 2012 Aargh said:
No problem. That's what a forum is for--to share ideas and misery. I had to laugh at your comment about being one cat shy of becoming the crazy cat lady. No ma'am!! That only happens if you are a hermit, have lots of cats, AND have a love of gingham and sensible shoes. And if you do get to that point, my friend, I'm staging an intervention. I so hope that you are able to get things cleared up at least to the "presentable" stage before seeing your hubby. Just remember that he'll be so glad to see you that he probably won't notice or care about the spots. In the meantime, try to keep super busy because I find that I get into trouble when I have too much time on my hands at home. Best of luck to you, hon. Keep me posted on your progress!
On September 23rd, 2012 SpottyFace said:
LMAO...you just described my mom! (without the picking problem) I don't know how many curtains, table cloths, bedspreads, pillows, bed skirts...etc she has sewn out of gingham material..(She's a nutcase in her own right...and I believe the root of my problem...we don't speak anymore actually)I'm still laughing...thanks!!!!
On September 24th, 2012 Aargh said:
It's that damn gingham--it'll make you crazy every time. Well fine--keep a set of gingham curtains if you want (for posterity), but don't you dare start filling up your closet with Easy Spirits and Danskos. At that point, all hope for you will be lost! ;)
For information on the skin picking disorder (Dermatillomania), symptoms, causes and treatment methods, get the Complete Guide to Skin Picking Disorders.