nothing works

Posted September 27th, 2012 by okasachan

forgive me, all of you. but i've been stalking this site for weeks while i sit and just rip my scabs off. it seems to me that there's nothing that works. the only thing that's happening here is people confessing and then getting other people to send them cyber hugs and what not. isn't that just.... not anything? this is why i never posted. but i want to post. i may as well get in with the community even if there's no hope for us. right? well you're probably all going to b ark at me for being negative and hopeless. just like everyone else in this entire fucking world. i've tried being positive. THIS IS ME BEING POSITIVE. go with that. or ignore me and let me bleed all over myself as usual. can you die from this? cuz i'm trying to.

On October 2nd, 2012 okasachan said:

you don't see people with faces like this out in public. well, today i set out to change that and pounded the pavement to get a job, without any crackly, ugly makeup trying to hide an ugly crackly face. we'll see.

On October 2nd, 2012 Jacy said:

I honestly do think this disorder is the cause of depression - you walk outside and immediatley pray you don't see anyone. I think the reason people like to be very supportive of other people on this site is they see themselves in everyone of these posts, and feel the need to help them - Because it's a lot easier than helping ourselves. Yesterday I picked in class...in front of people. It scared me to death that I was willing to do my "best kept secret" in front of people. But it was then that I knew it had completely consumed me. it's a process. There is no quick cure, and it's not always about being postiive. it's about finding yourself under the scabs, whatever process that might be for you. hope this doesn't constitute as a cyber hug, but you're not the only one who is hopeless - and in that itself you can start to build.

On October 2nd, 2012 olga said:

Hi! I feel often very similar to what you have been saying. I don't know exactly whether i still have any hopes or not...I don't have a depression but what is going on gives me enough depressive feelings. My life changed since I started picking, changed a lot! I also don't have a good support at home, people are just not on the same page with me, they don't understand the condition. So, may be writting here can help? See, at least one possibility of having something positve for a change. :) Let's try to keep journaling.Would you? I also wanted to ask people about any good tips for controlling the behavior? Anything that helped?

On September 29th, 2012 okasachan said:

thank you guys, i'm very happy. still picking though! the mirrors in my house have all been broken.

On September 28th, 2012 valentine said:

Okasachan, for what it's worth, posting on this site has helped me pick way less. Way way less. And when I do pick, it's only a bare minimum. Yeah, it's taken a while to get here but--for me, anyway--a nightly post has at times been like a substitute activity to picking. Plus following a lot of the suggestions people have made (covering mirrors, keeping light off in the bathroom when washing up, throwing away tweezers). I don't mean to say that I have found the holy grail and won't relapse but even the relapses/slips seem more mild since trying to hold myself accountable here. Anyway, if you feel like you've tried everything else, you don't have anything to lose by trying this, Mmmm?

On September 27th, 2012 Brittanypicker said:

I feel exactly the same as you okasachan, I've been picking for years with my fingers and tweezers till I'm bleeding all over the place. I can't stop and nothing will help I feel terrible I feel like I'm ruining my good skin with this and I can't fix it. I keep saying ill stop once these cuts heal that's it I'm done but I never do I'm so afraid I'm going to pick again why the fuck don't I just stop? Because I feel like I didn't finish I didn't pick and get whatever I was trying to get, it doesn't make any sense but nothing in this world does. Why does anyone want to be here? Is everyone blind to how horrible the earth is? We've destroyed it, my mom destroyed me since I was a kid abusing me. And now I take all of that out on my face and I destroy myself. I don't want to live like this anymore I don't want to live. It's more of a pain and inconveinent then anything else.

On September 27th, 2012 okasachan said:

now i know what this is for. wasn't till you posted that my compassion-muscle started working again. see, it's not good enough to try to help myself, there's gotta be someone else involved. my mom tried to conceal me under make-up from the moment i got my first facial blemish. she would look at me and grow angry, slap concealer all over my face. then she'd be mad that i covered my face with my hair, or used some eye-liner or lipstick. i was just ugly in her book from start to finish and she still feels that way--but here it is: it's because she hates herself too. she was labelled "handicapped" by her mother just because she was left-handed... and she carries that pain today at 64 yrs old. my children pick their legs whenever they get a flea bite. they bleed and it's gross... but as long as i don't call attention to it, they are blissfully unaware, and no one at their elementary school says anything, especially since bugs are bad in these few years. but they see me crying over my face, and they feel helpless and useless... which means i'm passing the legacy on. it has to stop. here's the truth and the only thing that works: remember this, it's not that bad. even when your face has forgotten how to heal (which it won't) you're still you. it's worst for me when i'm stressing over just about anything... which i think goes to show that i shouldn't stress. over anything. we must find a balanced point of view of ourselves and just go with that, never letting it go. i haven't been able to do this for long enough to actually heal... but i know it can be done. i tell myself, if this is just a phase, it'll pass. if it's just my life... i'll pass too, i still have to wake up everyday and make something of this life. like the lepers in princess mononoke. they at least kept their hands busy as they fell apart. i have a song for you, brittany. not the most beautiful song in the world, but it's good. kind of like us. since i can't post a link, look up "Onion Girl" by holly cole.

On September 28th, 2012 Brittanypicker said:

I read your story and ill look up the song, I really feel for you it's such a horrible way to live and I really do feel sometimes my face "forgets how to heal" like it takes so long for these marks to go away. I'll listen to the song now, I hope we find anyway to overcome this. And thank you. Thank everyone whose on here dealing with this. No one truly understands it who doesn't have the disorder

On September 27th, 2012 okasachan said:

i was crying here at my computer when my mother walks in and asked "who died? cuz you're crying so hard it's GOTTA be that someone's dead." i replied "NOT YET MOM BUT I"M GETTING THERE" so she rails back and now the whole family is fighting. all b ecause i was too stupid to acccept that my skin is GONE. everyone hates everyone because i pick myself.

On September 28th, 2012 reaching.higher said:

I don't know where to start in responding to you but i feel lead to....i know this is the sappy BS that you probably find typical of this site but do know that this a place you can come to where people have what you have and understand what it is like to live with this disorder.we come from all walks of life but we are all dealing with a past or present hurt that is manifesting itself in this compulsion to pick. we need each other for support because without that the road to recovery is almost impossible and yes I did say recovery because I do believe that we can get better.You've already made the first steps to getting better by coming to this site,seeking out help, sharing about yourself, and pinpointing some of the reasons that make you pick.It will be tough to get through and you will have to work everyday of your life not to relapse but that shouldn't stop you from ending your picking. When the urge to pick comes on do your best to realize it before you start, ask yourself why do you want to pick?,and then shift your focus to something postive. From what you've said you may not have the most nurturing environment so i would encourage you to keep in contact with this community to encourage you along. Oh, and a little about myself I've been pick free for about 10 days and the fourth and fifth days are the hardest. Before I could never go more than an hour and I've been picking for 11 years. I also think about my future children and it brings me to tears to think that they would develop this because of me so it's one of my reasons why i'm making every effort to stop because i would not wish this disorder on anyone,not even my enemies.i know the hurt too well to even want to bear to see someone go through this and even worse because of me. much love to you okasachan and keep in touch!

For information on the skin picking disorder (Dermatillomania), symptoms, causes and treatment methods, get the Complete Guide to Skin Picking Disorders.