Was near the end and then found you all!!
Posted November 1st, 2012 by mumoftwo
Would really like to thank the creator of this site and all of you for gathering here... here's my story. I started picking my nails after seeing mum do it. It became relieving, after I moved on to the skin around my nails. After researching I discovered that I did that as my coping mechanism from not being able to express my feelings. I was sexually abused by male and female school prefects daily on the school bus until age 12, I also had a very stern and oppressive father. I have never told anyone about the abuse. I feel too pathetic that it happened to me. I was bullied for the next 5 years of secondary school and after completing A levels I went to university but kept myself to myself. I became a teacher to help stop bullying but failed and when working in London had a knife to my throat, was stabbed and attacked with wooden stools amongst other events. Throughout this period of time I progressed from biting nails and skin of my fingers to picking at my scalp, ears and back. All places I felt no one would see. I was hugely embarrassed when I had a breakdown from teaching and was waiting on a prescription and was picking and eating my scalp with kids outside watching and laughing. But it didn't stop me. Just made me more careful. Over time I met someone and got married. I lost a massive amount of weight but maintained the picking. I have always worried about making friends and on having my first son was diagnosed with social anxiety as I was suddenly thrust into a world of playgroups and meeting other mums. I had always tried to move jobs quickly to keep friendships from getting complicated. Forced to staying in one place broke me and I finally had to face my demons. I know through counselling I do not feel 'good enough'. I cry with any confrontation and in any situation with authority ie. seeing a gp. I am totally broken and I realise that now. Yet I am a strong person and keep fighting. In between having my son and my second child I had a massive fallout with some scarey girls over a child that kept biting other children (ironic lol) and I paniced and hid myself away. I am unable to express feelings, I feel this comes from my complicated past. I have for many many years destroyed my face by picking adult acne and my right arm and both ankles and lower legs look destroyed. My fingers are still a state but I have progressed past nail biting. I notice my 6 year old son bites his nails. Both my children 6 and 2 notice my wounds which I simply describe as poorlys that are mending. If it wasn't for having the responsibility of two children I would kill myself as I feel totally worthless. But I could never do that to them. I do however continue to destroy myself and feel no value. I torture myself with over eating too. I eat rubbish all day. I feel its part of the punishment. Finding this site a few days ago has been a breakthrough to me. I managed yesterday and today minimal picking even though I am thinking about it CONSTANTLY and feeling on the edge of panic. I covered every sore with a plaster yesterday which seemed to prompt lots of conversations from people about insect bites. My usual lie. I say I'm allergic. I've kept wounds open for years and years at a time in discreet places. Now I can't take my kids swimming as I have destroyed my ankles. One of the girls I fell out with happens to be slim and gorgeous... despite being a horrible person by my standards and I feel so inadequate every day seeing her at school as I get fatter and destroy myself. I am a fighter and am going to try and fight this. I want to burst with emotion. Sometimes the picking is a release from the emotions I hold in constantly. I read about telling someone about self harm but I'm too scared. I already have massive issues about friendships and any self confidence I show is fake. I have to be proud of myself for yesterday and today... although still forget at times. While typing this I bit my lip. I have plasters off today and put calamine on. I found it interesting yesterday how many times I went to pick my legs but felt a plaster. Helped me learn little about when I attack myself.