I really need to stop but I can't... or can I?
Posted August 17th, 2009 by Major_Scar
I am in my early 40's, a single mother of 3 who suffers with depression on and off but currently I am not on meds for it as they never helped. Neither did therapy. The only thing that has helped my depression is getting myself away from the cause which was/is trauma and those people who have caused trauma to me, those who are mean and make me feel worthless even though I really don't think I am except when I am really upset like now. But I still keep fighting the battle hoping for happiness and healing in all aspects of my life, skin and mental health. Anyway.... I always remember having the "urge" to pick at my scabs and toenails and anything that would come off, sad to say, ever since I was old enough to walk and talk and notice things like that. I was belittled from the time I was young up until adulthood because of it by my mother, the major cause of my depression who is now completely out of my life. I would pick in private and even more than once took scissors to my face to cut off my so-called "beauty spot" that I really hated so much as my sisters made fun of it and my mother never put a stop to their teasing. She just let them have their "fun". So I cut it off. It caused a huge bloody mess but after scabby and oozing for weeks it healed and came back but I did it again. I realized the mess I caused only after I was old enough to want to hide the crap I made it into and make up didn't do anything to hide it at all. I let that heal and never cut it off again after more than one time of doing it. But I would pick and prod and poke and cut at whatever else was in my way, and it was a horrible thing. I cut moles off and no matter where they were I would find a way to do it and sadly enough and embarassingly so my young child who was about 8 or younger would do it on those that I could not reach. What was that teaching her? NOw she is a picker and her toes are severely ingrown. She is a picker but not to the extent I am. I just started doing it again, the cutting part, that is. Taking shears to my skin, my arms and legs and cutting the moles or follicles that are bothering me even though they aren't bothering me really in relation to my health. But now they are sore and pusy and nasty looking and I can't stop jabbing and cutting and prodding them, looking for a hair follicle that is more protuberant than the others just waiting for something to be "cutable..." It's sick and i can't stop. I am severely depressed right now due to the life I am in with my daughter who is a real beast to me. Nothing is good enough for her and I am always to blame. I am being tortured slowly by my kid but I am torturing myself more as I cut and wound myself. I am in my early 40s, an educated person, a nurse believe it or not who really knows what damage I am doing to myself but it doesn't seem to matter to me. I hate my self so bad on some days and the recent events caused me to once again pick up those scissors like I haven't done in many years only to cut and cut until I was bleeding so hard. I cut a mole off from between my legs that I had ever since I was a little kid and just chopped it off with those nasty scissors. STill looking for yet another bump to cut off. It's now turned into an urge and that is something new for me, well, I used to have that urge years ago to cut THINGS off of me but then it stopped. and I just would cut chunks out of me, no matter where, I would cut. I feel embarassed and sick to think about this and scared about why I do it and ask myself if I can stop without going on the meds again that I was on all those years ago that made me fat and lethargic. There is NO way I will go on meds if I can stop on my own. I am a grown woman doing a nasty thing to herself for no reason at all other than self loathing and maybe boredom and whatever else, I don't know. Well, that was my story. I hope I didn't gross anyone out too much. I am really grossed out at what I did to myself just this weekend. I am hoping I can just throw out the scissors and let things start to heal if possible but nothing will stop my hands from picking. I wish I knew what caused the cutting again. Maybe stress and the real sadness I am going through. Just feeling really crummy and not worth anything at all. Worried about money and anything else that I can worry about. I have no one really other than my kids but I surely don't want to let them know what I am doing to myself. I will teach them that it's OKAY to pick and cut. .... no thanks. Thanks for listening. I am not happy or proud to be me at all. I wish I had something to be happy and proud about but can't think of anything. Anyway, have a nice day. Please try to stop before you get to the point where I am now. A painful nasty mess of brewing infection and pustules and most of all scars. Major Scar