Boyfriend, Makeup, Breakdown
Posted March 29th, 2010 by allovertheplace
So I had a break-down today, caused by quite a few things. Yesterday a friend was visiting me and we were planning to go out. So, I went to the bathroom to do a touch up on my makeup which instead turned into a little poking and picking of course, but not too bad, but then immediately I started covering the open wounds with covergirl. Meanwhile my friend went downstairs and sat on the couch with my parents and I heard them talking. My step-mom asked where I was and she said I was getting ready. My step mom said, oh yes, she's getting beautified and my friend said, yeah she takes a while and my parents agreed. It bothered me. In fact, my friend went on to say that while I was visiting her house, her boy-friend would get impatient with how long I took. This really got to me, because I know the reason I'm taking so long is because everyday is a struggle for me when I have to face the mirror and foundation can take up to thirty minutes alone sometimes. But they don't know this, they just don't know. I also have been sleeping over at my boyfriend's apartment....which means I go to bed often without washing my face. He's never seen me without makeup. In the morning his room gets really bright from the sun and when I wake up I'm instantly self-conscious knowing the sun is illuminating my scars from yesterday's smeared makeup. I get out of bed as quickly as possible and go to the bathroom to wash my face and re-apply my mask. When I come back into the room he usually asks if I fell in or something and I'm pretty good with making some kind of joke that makes him forget how long I took in the bathroom. But this morning we were cuddling and he said I looked really beautiful without makeup. I just stared at him, confused, knowing he had never seen me without make up on. He said he saw me once without make up when I got out of the shower. I knew what he was referring to, but he was wrong, that day when I got out of the shower, I put on more make-up ad went into his room. It probably just looked really natural that day or something. But after he told me this I got out of bed and sat on a chair in his room and looked at him and said, when I was thirteen I developed chronic picking disorder. I picked at my face so bad that it bled to the point that there was no blood left, just clear liquid. He was surprised and asked if I still picked. I said sometimes, but its not as bad. Its not as bad now, but by sleeping over at his house, my skin is getting more and more clogged. Since I wear makeup every day, night is my skin's only chance to heal. We didn't talk about it anymore, I left to go back to my house where I ended up picking and trying to put more make up on to cover my red, puffy face. I was suppose to go pick up a friend for lunch, but when I got into the car and looked in the mirror, I bursted into tears. The makep looked horrible and my face felt so heavy with all that shit on it. As I cried, the area around my eyes had an extreme color difference compared to the rest of my face. I felt like I was wearing a geisha mask. I sat in the drive way sobbing for a while and then went back in to see my step-mom. She asked me tons of questions as to what was triggering this. I don't understand anymore, but now I'm just so pissed. I want to be done with this, and I hate makeup. So I went upstairs, washed my face and picked up my friend and I had lunch with my real face. It felt so much better. I want to stop wearing makeup, but work would just be so embarassing. I don't think I can handle not wearing makeup at work, my boyfriend also works with me. I told my boyfried we're going for a walk tomorrow and I'm going to explain to him that I need the nightime to heal and that I can't spend the night with him anymore. I'm going to miss walking up to him, but I need to get healthy again. But I don't even know if he'll want to be with me anymore, because I'm gonna tell him that I don't look the way he thinks I look. That I have scars, and sores, that it's not a pretty sight, and I can't handle him seeing me as I am. I don't know what's going to happen. What have you guys had to deal with when it comes to relationships?