my progress


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August 20, 2012

right now i am feeling so lucky that i only have issues with picking my face. i dont have any bothersome scarring anywhere on my body besides my face. and my face scars arent that bad at all... once im healed i will be happy, no matter the scars. im just doing everything i can to not make more scars in the meantime (:
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August 23, 2012

I know i should have the same attitude. I am pretty much healed but this one scar is still red and really bothering me. I think if it wasnt so red it wouldnt look that bad. I feel like i have picked although i haven't.
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August 22, 2012

feeling okay today (: im do so well with the no picking (even though i was obviously going to because i promised and vowed). my next day that i am allowed to cheat on my perfect whole food vegan diet is september 4th, because its not only my moms birthday, but also me and nikos 2 year and 6 month anniversary ! when i eat bad i feel so guilty though.. i wish i could justify those times every once in a while that i give in and decide to indulge to the worrying part of me.
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August 22, 2012

i keep touching my face where i know i have a bump or scab.. just touching it, nothing more.. but it makes me want to pick which is bad. so im going to stop !
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August 23, 2012

having a hard time today ! getting too close to the mirror, looking at my face up close for TOOO long, touching bumps when i just need to keep my hands totally off my face unless its just a quick itch and im intentionally trying not to feel anything annoying. i just want to look healthy ! so so desperately ): i look a lot better than i have in the past, but not good enough.. and im scared i will never look good enough because of scarring
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August 23, 2012

Hang in there!!! I am right with you today. I have pretty much smashed my face up against the mirror everytime I have gone into the bathroom. I too keep running my hands over my face, checking for new bumps, checking the old bumps, checking this effin scar. So I dont know what it is about today but it has gotten both of us!! LOL! I think part of my problem today is that is is really sunny and nice out and makes me feel more insecure as the sun makes everything look sooooo much worse!!! You know I know we can do this, we are so much better than this. So starting today we are making a pact to be happy with ourselves. No matter what!!! Little bump who cares! Few scars who cares!!!! We are going to use mind of matter!!! WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! WE ARE FREAKING FANTASTIC JUST AS WE ARE!!!!!!
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August 23, 2012

youre so right. we gotta get through this and we will ! (: i showered and did my makeup and now im feeling a little better. i know im on the right track, im not perfect today, but i will be soon (:
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August 24, 2012

i picked. this sucks so bad. normal people, when they have a bad day.. the next they can feel totally better. for us, when we have a bad day and wind up picking.. our whole WEEK is ruined ! its not fair. i know i have to look forward and move on. thats all i can do, but im so depressed and hopeless. its annoying to talk to my boyfriend when i have a relapse because he doesnt get it at all. he thinks im giving up or chosing to pick and usually he just winds up acting like he is mad at me.. i need support so bad ): i am so lonely. i have to put on makeup and go out tonight.. dont know how thats going to work at all but i have no choice...
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August 24, 2012

im gonna come back strong from this though
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August 24, 2012

Isn't it the lonliness, hopelesness and plain feeling like crap what gets us? I hate it! I just hate myself so much afterwards :( I have been doing good been over a week since I picked anything but I still feel like I look like shit. I want to just hide out in my room. I have to make a real effort just to drag my butt to work. My last picking episode left a nasty scar that I just despise! I would rather have scabs all over my face then this dang thing. Just a constant reminder of what I have done. All I keep thinking is if I would have left my face alone then this thing would not be there. Bad enough it took 2 1/2 months to heal and now I have this. I know it looks worse to me, it is just a mark about the size of an eraser (huge I know) that is slitely indented and dry looking. Putting makeup on just makes it more noticeable. Without make up then it still looks red and yucky!!! I cant win :( No body gets what we go through. Seriously do they really think we like and enjoy doing this? Right! Like I like looking and feeling like crap. If we could stop dont they think we would? Nobody understands unless they are going through it themselves. I am sick of turning down invitations with friends and family as I dont feel I am meeting their standards of what I should look like. Hang in their skreed29 you are not alone in this - I am here for you as I fully understand what you are feeling and going through!!!
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August 24, 2012

Hey sarah :) unfortunately I don't have much time to type now, but I just wanted to say a quick 'thank you'. About a week & a few days ago I found this website and one of the first forum posts I came across was yours. I immediately was drawn in, our situation is very alike, you seem to have the same viewpoints as me, and I was feeding off of your positive energy. I think you are soo brave for telling your boyfriend about your picking. It took a ton of guts, I can't even imagine showing anyone my real face after I've done significant damage to it :( we'll anyway, I ended up reading through your ENTIRE journey since your 1st post, literally all the comments.. and it felt like I was experiencing your journey myself. I got sad whenever you relapsed, because i know how much I hurt when I do that myself. Reading your forum has definitely helped me through my ups and downs, its been about 11 days since I last fully picked, and it feels soo good! & I just recently read that you're struggling but I just want you to know that I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS :) ! Seriously girl, I know from reading your posts that you can get yourself back on track. I made myself so proud by making a 10 day goal & actually sticking to it! And now that the 10 days are over ill make another goal! You're gorgeous and don't let any recent picking get you down, just think "this is the worst it could be if I want it to" and then it will only get better from there !!
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August 24, 2012

thank you so much (: i started crying a little bit as i read this. in a good way though. im glad that i could help you in any way and you are so right that this is the worst it could be.. i could never pick again and be fine and feel pretty in 2 or 3 weeks. i did my makeup today and im feeling a little bit better. im at the stage where everything is flattened out, tomorrow when i wake up i will be all scabby though ): trying to just keep my mind off my face !! im happy and proud to know that you have made it 11 days without picking ! today would have been my 11th day, but i relapsed ): we should make a new goal together ! and it should be 2 weeks, okay ? it helps me a lot when i have someone on here to be on my team, cause ill try harder so that i wont let you down !
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August 25, 2012

its a new day ! so i get to make a new start. im so so so so so excited to heal and be pretty !
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August 25, 2012

today i decided to grind up some flax seeds and add them to my smoothie (: when i add a new healthy thing to my daily diet, it makes me feel optimistic (: im going to heal so soon.
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August 26, 2012

i feel the healing happening (:
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August 26, 2012

i picked a skin flake this morning that was ready to come off. like it would have fallen off the second i went to wash my face. it was just hanging there and even though it would have been cool if i didnt have the urge to pick it off or resisted picking it, i dont feel very guilty. but i did feel the need to admit it. and i hope it doesnt happen again because i really just want to keep my hands off my face. im healing, i feel it (: (: i could heal this time and never ever have to go through this again. i hope thats what happens. i get frustrated with my boyfriend a lot but i should really give him more credit, he wants to help me but just doesnt know how, and he loves me a lot. this morning i was sitting on the couch in the living room when he got up. he walked in the room and looked at me and said "oh..". i looked at him, confused and asked "what ?" and then he said "i didnt know they were letting angels on the earth today". it was really sweet and made me feel good because most of the time, when he compliments me its either really vague or generic or about my lady parts/juicy lips and how they appeal to him for sexual reasons. AND i wasnt even wearing makeup when he said that (: not wearing makeup all day to let myself do some healing (: im excited for the near future today
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August 26, 2012

That is so sweet!!! I am glad you are doing so well!
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August 28, 2012

in a very happy and optimistic mood today (: im healing every second and i cant wait to be healed enough and feel like i am really really pretty (: working out and eating well is soooooooooooooo worth it. and i have stuck to it for months even though its hard.. that means that i can definately stop picking ! i have a strong will. i think optimism and hopefullness are very important to the physical healing and well being of your body and im glad i have it (:
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August 29, 2012

so today was good and bad. i felt really anxious and ugly all day.. when i got home, there was this one whitehead on my chin which was just bugging the crap out of me. itching and hurting, so i pricked it with a pin to relieve the pressure and let the stuff out. i didnt pick though. my face is a mess today. probably partly to do with the fact that im pmsing right now though. my problem is mostly on my jaw and chin. i WILL heal as long as i dont pick, keep taking care of my body as well as i do now, and believe that i will heal. i keep having this ugly feeling in my gut like its only a matter of time before i relapse. it might be true but thats not what i need to focus on. i just need to focus on getting through this very moment without picking. compulsive picking is a really hard thing to deal with ): im so glad to be all clean and without makeup now. i was out all day and i just felt ugly and dirty. tomorrow i can stay in and not put makeup on (: i felt like there was more i wanted to vent about but i am sleepy so i think its bedtime. tomorrow i will be home alone so i will probably post a bunch. every time i want to pick ill just come on here and write about it until the feeling passes. i haaaaaaaave to heal and i have to stop picking.
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August 29, 2012

dang. i was looking through old pictures on my computer and my first 2 years of highschool, i was such a flawless, freckled little thing. atleast the parts of me that were visible when i was fully clothed, most notably my face.. i didnt have too many freckles, just cute sweet nose and cheek freckles on porcelain skin. i dont really have freckles on my face anymore because i use spf 15 face lotion and pile on the makeup for 3 years or so now. what a shame ): and my face will never be that perfect again because its scarred to hell. i exagerate about the scarring when im upset. its really not terrible, especially if you are looking at me straight on. my forehead, nose, and chin will be perfect again but my cheek scars are beyond healing completely. im depressed that im not perfect anymore.. but if i let myself heal i could still be really cute and happy and warm looking just like how i was back then.
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August 29, 2012

Sorry I never responded to you I was on a trip for the weekend and just saw your reply! It really touched me that you cried when you read my comment, because I honestly have been helped by you and I know by me telling you this, that I've helped you in return :) so after I got back from my very fun weekend in vegas, I relapsed :/ after 13 days of no picking in preparation for this trip. Stress just got to me, and I had a few huge pimples that popped up on my cheeks from the weather, that I couldn't help it. I just walked like a zombie towards the bathroom mirror and popped the shiz out of my face. And continued to pick the rest of my face, and then my shoulders/upper arms/chest which I hate the absolute most :( you're not a body picker, right? Just a face picker? I struggle with both for sure. as far as being your teammate, let's do it! :) let's start a goal! Even if you haven't picked for a few days (I'm about 1 day in now) let's create a goal from now. And I'll think of you when I'm about to pick and you think of me. The more we succeed the more we help each other :) what do you think? Also, as far as scarring goes, you are still young, and your skin will regenerate. I am going to make a dermatologist appointment after I haven't picked for awhile so he/she can evaluate my scars. And there are options for helping reduce scars. But I really think we should not focus on how perfect our skin used to be and just focus on the future, and the best it can look like now. You know?? Let's not dwell on our past mistakes! Let's move forward, completely. This is just a phase of our lives. I think I'll ALWAYS have a compulsion to pick, so I better try hard as fuck to stop it now while I'm still young. I'm jealous of your age. I'm 22 (still young lol) but I feel like I lost the best years of my life feeling insecure about my skin the entire time :( well, let's start that goal. I'll try and post on here everyday and you too :) we can do ittttt!
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August 29, 2012

im sorry you relapsed but you are so right that we just need to move on and not worry about the past ! im excited to start this goal with you (: we can SO do it.
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August 29, 2012

Ok what's our goal, 2 weeks? :) starting today?
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August 29, 2012

yeah !! (:
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August 29, 2012

im really excited to heal today ! there was another big, hurty whitehead that i pricked with a pin today but besides that i have been good to my face. i think i can justify doing that if theres a spot that im seriously losing sleep (or my mind) over. as long as i only do it in emergencies. i dont touch my face or put any pressure on it, so i dont think its very likely that the infection will spread. just lets me stop worrying about the spot. all i can think about is when im healed and can feel seriously pretty and not have to think about my skin all the time. im hopeful that things will start seriously looking up within the week ! i remember the week before my junior prom i told myself i wasnt going to pick for a week so my face could be perfect, i did it.. and my face was pretty much perfect for prom. i guess i probably pick wayyy worse lately and thats why it takes so much longer to heal, but it seems like its just no fair.
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August 30, 2012

Interesting, when there is a major goal where I have to look pretty I can do it. I wonder why this is. :) I've been enjoying listening to your shares because I have been gainning some ideas from them to try and work on my self. Keep up the inner work and thank you for posting. :)
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August 29, 2012

realllllllyyyyyyyyy anxious at the moment but i havent picked. why is this so hard ? i really really need a forcefield around the mirror. if i couldnt get within 2 feet of the mirror, my problems would be solved ! i feel crappy, this guilty feeling like i picked.. even though i havent ! i keep meaning to do my eyebrows but i get to scared, being that close to the mirror is a vulnerable place for me and i dont want to risk it right now. i need to do a little cleaning, vaccum, evening workout, soak my belly button, and shower. i should just start checking things off that to do list and try to stop thinking about my face ! wish me luck
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August 30, 2012

I like that you have a list that gets you focusing on other things. I think I will put one on my mirror tonight. :)
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August 30, 2012

no picking ! but i exfoliated. wednesday is an exfoliating day so thats all fine and dandy, but something that makes me feel not so good about it is that i exfoliate really hard ! and i use plain sugar, i have a jar of sugar i keep under my bathroom sink and i grab a handful and exfoliate really really abbrasively and sometimes if i have a certain type of spot on my face it will bleed a little bit from it. it doesnt really hurt, but it feels intense and afterwards when i wash my face it feels soo smooth, like a babies butt ! and i feel cleaner than ever. i try to be gentler sometimes but i just kind of lose control, like how i do with picking and then go at it full force. i dont know if its really bad to exfoliate hard because there are some cosmetic treatments that are basically rubbing of a layer of skin or removing it somehow i think. and i only do it twice a week. whatever. whenever my picking was at its worst i used to exfoliate HARDDD with course salt and then take a cotton swab soaking with rubbing alcohol and rub it all over my face. i think back then i was actually trying to hurt myself.
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August 30, 2012

thinking healing thoughts (:
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August 30, 2012

feeling alright today. i have 2 big annoying whiteheads at the moment. but they arent painfully pressurized so im not allowed to pin prick them ! ill get through it. i talked to my dad today for the first time in a while which was nice. ive been trying to cut back to 1 shower a day, and washing my face (with cetaphil) only once a day because i read that too much cleaning and soap destroys the protective layer that keeps moisture in your skin. its suprisingly difficult especially because i work out twice a day and work up quite a sweat. but it makes my showers and face washes more rewarding and good feeling, because im not over exposed to feeling squeaky clean anymore. i rinse off my face with only water in the mornings and wash with a makeup removing wipe and then cetaphil cleanser at night. and i never use hot water ! not even in the shower. just tepid to warmish
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August 31, 2012

i picked this morning ): it wasnt as bad as it could have been but i am so ashamed and it was definately a set back ): i dont know why i did it.. im so mad at myself. all i want is to heal, i really dont understand why i always have to ruin it. but atleast its over. i stopped picking so that means now im healing.. gonna try to keep my mind off of it and have a nice new day tomorrow.
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August 31, 2012

i picked this morning ): it wasnt as bad as it could have been but i am so ashamed and it was definately a set back ): i dont know why i did it.. im so mad at myself. all i want is to heal, i really dont understand why i always have to ruin it. but atleast its over. i stopped picking so that means now im healing.. gonna try to keep my mind off of it and have a nice new day tomorrow.
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September 01, 2012

i think i want to start applying for jobs (: im feeling optimistic and if i had to go to work it would give me some extra incentive to not pick at myself so i could look pretty ! and we would have lots of money and i could go shopping and do things that made me feel really good about myself. i decided that im gonna start using less stuff on my face, and just let it do what it does naturally because im a very healthy person and our bodies already know what they need to do to heal us without confusing them with a bunch of silly chemicals !
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September 02, 2012

felt pretty good all day (: i think my skin is smart. it doesnt need chemicals like moisturizers and primers to help it get to where i want it to be (: put makeup on my bare face this morning after rinsing with only water... then tonight i wiped off my makeup with a makeup remover wipe and washed once with cetaphil, and that was all ! (: i hope this has some positive effect on my face because i would love to be able to be routinely this low maintenance !
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September 02, 2012

my face is soo annoying today but im gonna get through it ! because when i dont pick, i am healing.. its as simple as that. also, when i do pick its nobodies fault but my own. i dont want to be mad at myself or be afraid of myself anymore. i have so much potential to just be the self confident, charming, beautiful version of me that i have been fantasizing about constantly lately... i need to remind myself of this stuff everyday. if i just let my face heal i would look so pretty and healthy. ive been having trouble sleeping lately so i started doing more workout in the morning, and less in the evening. i feel like its not the best to get your blood pumping like that right before bedtime but ive noticed since i started working out for longer in the mornings, i go into a sort of trance.. like how i used to with picking ! which i would say is a very good thing ! because working out is a much better thing to not be able to resist than tearing up my face (:
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September 02, 2012

Hey, I live in Indiana too. I''m glad you have been sharing. I know exactly how you feel when I have read your posts. Finding the will power is so hard and I'm trying to find ways to cope. I like that you are counting the days and setting goals. I'm going to start keeping track on the days I'm prick free, I think that will help motivate me a bunch! Thanks for sharing and thanks for your optimism! I admire your strength!
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September 03, 2012

i picked again last night ! aaaagggghhhhhhhhh im so mad at myself. i picked really bad, my face still feels sore and bruised just to move my mouth to drink or eat. i get so mad and depressed when i do this because even though i know i can heal, im still causing more and more permenent damage everytime i pick by atleast a few scars... ): no matter what though, all i can do is be optimistic and be excited to heal. but im laying down the law this time ! so new rules ; 1) NO LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT MAKEUP ON unless i am washing my face. or in the process of doing my makeup ! at night when i get home and am alone, no looking in the mirror until its time to wash off makeup, and then once im all clean, no looking until i have to get ready the next day. im not even allowed to sneak quick little peeks. everyday i dont look in the mirror except when i have to, i get 1 point (points are good), if i do.. i lose 2. 2)NO PICKING ANYWHERE ON MY BODY, not even at the little callous thingy on my right forefinger. or at a little bump on my arm or an ingrown pubic hair... not at the occasional black head looking thing on my leg and especially not on my precious face. this includes picking off even the scabs that are hanging by a thread, they will fall off on their own when they are totally ready. everyday i dont pick a single spot i get 2 points, and for every spot picked i lose 5 ! 3)WASH MY FACE WITH ONLY WATER unless i have makeup to get off. im trusting my skin to do what it needs to do on its own.. everyday i follow this rule i get 1 point, if i break it i lose 4. 4) GENTLE exfoliating is allowed wednesdays and saturdays.. only if i feel like i need it, and i have to be gentle. harsh exfoliating cannot be good for my face. if i exfoliate too hard or if i exfoliate on the wrong day i lose 3 points. if i exfoliate too hard on the wrong day, i lose 5. i will probably think of more rules later, im going to make a microsoft document of this and also add a list of good things to do instead of picking when im anxious to. and keep track of my points on it ! i dont know what my points will mean at the end yet but ill think of something good. also, i wanted to let you all know that im taking a 17 day, irrevocable vow to not pick. i chose 17 days because i have done it before and i know i can do it again.
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September 04, 2012

I know how upsetting it is when you pick after trying so hard not to. I feel like I have given up my control when I pick. I am strong willed like yourself, and this seems to be the one thing that holds me back in my life. I see that you work out a lot and I applaud you for staying healthy. I'm not sure why, but when my skin looks crappy, I actually avoid working out. I know how counter intuitive that is because my skin usually ends up getting better with exercise. It relieves all of my anxiety that I would normally direct towards my picking. I just get so paranoid having people see my skin in the gym. It's the one place I can't wear makeup, so it makes me feel extremely exposed. I also wanted to add that your progress reports are definitely helpful to those going through the same thing. I tried posting my own, but sadly found that I could not keep up with them every day. I am just glad I have come back on here again because it really does help writing about how I'm feeling, and seeing other people's posts. I do have one question though. After you wash your face with water, do you use any moisturizers? I use glaxal base lotion on my face and then put polysporin cream around my eyebrows (where I have my troubles plucking and picking). I'm starting to think I should just stick to the lotion because I have a feeling that by moisturizing my eyebrow area I am not allowing the skin to naturally moisturize itself. Once everything is healed I still have trouble with the skin being dry. Do you think this could be why? - Sarah
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September 04, 2012

hi Sarah (: i just recently started the only water rinsing thing.. and after i do that i dont put anything on my face ! if i need to put on makeup ill put it on without a moisturizer or primer, just on my bare skin !
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September 03, 2012

i think sometimes i pick when for some reason i am putiing off doing something i dont really want to do.. so im gonna try to not procrastinate at all. also im keeping a food log to see if certain foods (or lack there of..) contribute to my anxieties or even breakouts. i want to learn more about myself in hopes of stopping picking for good !
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September 04, 2012

feeling good and fresh today (: yesterday i didnt look in the mirror AT ALL which is totally unrealistic most days but not looking at my face helped me not think about it and not get depressed (: there is hope for me... and you ! and im so excited to take advantage of it. but im also excited to be healthy and alive everyday, even before im totally healed (:
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September 05, 2012

I wany to be as optimistic as you! I went 18 days...then broke down and picked this evening. I am so disgusted with myself!! Grrrrr. I hate the uneven blotchiness. Now i have made it worse. After 18 days I was looking better...not great but better and now I am right back at day 1! I am going to try the not looking in the mirror again. The evil mirror gets me every damn time!
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September 05, 2012

18 days is so long ! 1 day llonger than my own personal record ! make today a strong, fresh new start and dont look back (:
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September 06, 2012

positivity helps you heal and feel good (: thats what we all need, positivity ! and im glad to say i have more than enough to go around (: i have so much hope and good feelings and i want to share them with you all (: no matter where we are right now, it will get better
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September 06, 2012

Its really good to hear how positive you are :) Makes my day brighter :)
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September 06, 2012

im so glad to hear that (: i think optimism is our best weapon against picking (:
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September 06, 2012

and also, i just wanted to let you know that you are so sweet ! you are spreading lots of beautiful positivity all around this forum and i love to see it (: you are helping people .
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September 06, 2012

Thank you :) it means alot that my experience and achievement can help people. I'm really glad you are finding my optimistic out look helpful, I wish I had found this forum when I was at my worst, It was honestly such a hard struggle to do by yourself, Having support from people would defiantly make the journey a better experience, still hard, but support is always amazing, I'm so happy I can help people with achieving their goal :)
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September 06, 2012

I just wanted to let you know you have made my night. :) Reading your posts, and seeing all of the positivity you have, brightens up my day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my struggles and that I have to stay strong. I forgot to mention, but when I went running with my friend today I made a confession about my skin disorder. It didn't seem to bother her, but I was just so happy to get it out in the open.

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