New year, new me

After too much time spent inspecting my face in the bathroom mirror tonight, i am fed up with myself. This habitual process of me picking at acne or teeny tiny pores has been going on for too long. I probably started skin picking about 6 years ago, and it has gotten progressively worse. On any given night i can spend about 1 hour (or more) picking.. This has impacted me on so many levels. As i start my senior year of high school, i am still coping with the effects of this disorder. I have never been clinically diagnosed by a doctor, i have actually never told anyone that i am dealing with this. My self confidence is at an all time low. I usually come up with excuses to decline an invite to a sleepover, because i am too embarrassed to take off my makeup before bed with my friends around. I often miss out on pool parties or trips to the beach because my chest is so scarred and red. I never wear the Vneck shirts that are folded neatly in my drawers. I used to stand in the corner of the girls locker room (facing the wall) to change into my gym uniform. I am tired of this taking over my life. Not only socially but even academically. After dinner i usually go up to my room determined to start my homework and end up picking uncontrollably. By the time i stop, i realize i havnt even started my homework. My grades are slipping, my friends are leaving, my self esteem is dwindling. The most frustrating part is that i usually end picking at parts of my face that are clear. Its almost as if i imagine a blemish on my face, which then causes me to pick at it, until it bleeds or is too tender to touch. This ends up leaving a big red mark that usually turns into a pimple. I try to tell myself that if i stepped 2 feet away from the mirror that no one could have seen those tiny black heads or blemishes, only after i destroyed my face are they visible to everyone. Today, is officially my birthday, and with that being said, its a new year for me. My 17th year. This is a new beginning. One that i hope involves a life free from myself. "I am my own worst enemy". This is a year capable of happiness, self confidence, love, learning, and accomplishments. I hope to share my journey of achieving this with anyone who wants to read my posts.