Today, I hit rock bottom. What now?

Posted April 23rd, 2012 by ButterflyVergeO...

I am glad I found you all. Today I hit ROCK bottom and decided I simply cannot live this way. I am a 28 yr old female. I have a serious problem with skin picking and I am ready to go to therapy. As you know, the side effects of this disease can literally STOP life due to the shame and embarrassment of facing the world. I cannot go to work tomorrow, maybe not even the next day. My picking session lasted for hours last night and into this morning and the welts are the biggest they've ever been and they are oozing like mad. Prob won't dry up for at least 24hrs. I picked so deep, with a needle, that there is a hole. As I was picking I was shaking from the anxiety and loss of control. And I could not sleep. I could not stop picking even though what imperfection I was trying to get just would not be extracted - I was at it for over 2 hours. I turned something barely visible to the naked eye, into a quarter size oozing yellow and red mess on my chin. I am so sick of mirrors. And of this secret life. 2 questions: Has anyone had luck with therapy and/or meds? I think this is OCD and body dsymorphic disorder and perhaps even a bit of bi polar? I hope to get to the bottom of this starting tomorrow. I do have a history of depression but haven't been on meds for a few years now. Any tips for clearing up this oozing welt FAST? I want it to dry up. I am taking accutane 10mg and 50mg Zinc daily. Many many thanks to anyone who can offer support and advise. Much gratitude.

On April 23rd, 2012 MysteriousSunshine said:

Hi there! I honestly and truly could have written the exact same scenario as you described several times! Also on a similar note, I went through 2 rounds of accutane. Being on that type of drug seemed to make the skin much easier to damage as it seemed thinner and a lot more sensitive. My very first suggestion is to go easy on yourself. What's done is done. Now it's time to treat yourself kindly, relax and move forward. Antibiotic ointments have worked best to speed up healing and ease oozing. For a few days following an extreme picking session, I treat my skin extremely gently and only apply the ointment in the evening. During the day, I try to disguise the marks with skin friendly make-up such as Physician's Formula. Additiionally, please talk to your doctor in depth about this. Over the years, I have missed countless days of work due to the embarrassment of my facial wounds. In some cases, I needed a doctor's note, but never did tell her what exactly the issue was. It wasn't until last Monday that I told her, from my heart, what I have been doing to myself. This is after 10 solid years of "managing" this condition all by myself. Yes, it's tough to discuss, but a doctor will provide much needed advice and guidance. You deserve to live the best life possible! Take care of yourself. Tomorrow is a new day! :)

On April 23rd, 2012 ButterflyVergeO... said:

Thank you for bringing a ray of sunshine into this very dark day. :-) I really appreciate you taking the time to thoughtfully reply with advice and encouragement. When it comes to the wounds, I find solice in knowing that this too shall pass, but now I am ready to tackle the mental issues at hand behind this compulsion and self defeating behavior. I am really hoping my doctor can fit me in tomorrow to 1) refer me to an appropriate therapist and 2) maybe prescribe me an antibiotic to help heal these lesions. I hope that you have found a way through this, whether via will or therapy or meds or whatever works! I don't want to lose a job over this (worst fear), and I work in media so appearance does matter!! But yes, tomorrow is a new day, another day on the way to healing. Right now I start with a little of that self love that you've prescribed me, thanks Mysterious Sunshine!! Great to meet you here. :-)

On April 23rd, 2012 liz said:

hi first of all let me say how amazing you are for sharing with us. I suffer from this problem myself and am only recently admiting to it. I found the tip on calamine lotion to be fantastic it realy has helped my wounds dry up. I realy encourage you to stop and take time to love yourself (Easier said than done i know) sit in a room close your eyes and just keep repeating to yourself that you are worth all the love in the world, repeat positive words like peace, calm and love over and over to help your mind clear of any crap and negativity that life has put there. I too found accutane and betnovate made my skin much worse as it became very thin and it was easier to break and didnt dry out my wounds. to finish we are not alone thank god for this site. Talking to each other is therapy in itself and help heal ouselves over time. Love and hugs:)

On April 23rd, 2012 ButterflyVergeO... said:

Hi Liz. It truly is a gift to know we are not alone. Thank you for your response! I guess the bottom line in over coming the compulsion is self love & compassion. At which point did I lose sight? I didn't know I'd gone so far down a path of self loathing, but what else could be causing this but a sense of self hate that manifests as a sabotage on the physical - almost as if saying to the world, hey, look at me I'm NOT alright. I'm NOT ok. Thank you for the calamine lotion tip. This wound has been open for nearly 24 hrs and is definitely infected and still weeping. I wouldn't even call it an acne would - it's layers and layers of broken skin prob infected thanks to my nails. Never had this before :-( Anyhow, I know this WILL pass! It's a matter of avoiding seeing people, i.e. stopping living, over the next week or so that really causes me to feel depressed. And this wound is so bad, it could leave a nasty scar. And it hurts, kinda like my soul. I will take your love and hugs and greatly appreciate the support. How are you handling? What are your most effective methods for stopping the picking before it starts? Much love. Thank you.

On April 24th, 2012 ButterflyVergeO... said:

Hi ladies. Just wanted to let you (and anyone else who is following this thread) know that today I went to my family doctor and, my gosh, it was a very emotional appointment. In a way, I am glad I've reached my breaking point. I haven't had crying bouts like this for ages, and it's exhausting but healing. He prescribed me bactroban for the open infected wound. But the underlying issue, learning WHY I (we) do this is the real issue to be tackled. After he assessed me, he prescribed me an antidepressant/anxiolytic/antiobsessional drug called Cipralex. I wanted to avoid taking meds, but I know it's time, again (3rd time in my life). I will also be seeing a therapist in conjunction with the meds. So there is my new holy trilogy, accutane (10mgs), mood meds, and therapy (I already exercise reg and eat well!!). Thank you for the support and for allowing me to use this site as a public diary or sorts. So very helpful. Wishing everyone the best with dealing with this debilitating disease. Hugs.

On April 25th, 2012 MysteriousSunshine said:

Hi Butterfly, I am so glad to hear that you talked to your doctor. It is a step in the right direction. You and I have so much in common as I too, was on accutane and mood medication (Zoloft) at the same time. To this day, I do struggle with anxiety/depression, but the meds to help level things out. As mentioned above, exercising, eating well and practicing stress management (meditation or yoga) are also excellent in boosting one's mood. I wanted to ask how everything was with your job? Like you, I worked previously in the media and now do marketing. You are correct, this type of job requires a lot of public relations which can be difficult when you don't feel confident. There have been several times that I missed work and worried about my job. I am sure that I came very close, but honestly, at the end of the day, your health is most important - not your job. Trust me. Sending you positive vibes for a bright and healthy tomorrow. :) M

On April 25th, 2012 ButterflyVergeO... said:

Hi Sunshine. :) Wow we really DO have a lot in common. Thanks for the insight you've offered. I've found that in general, depression just makes things that much harder, providing no real trigger for the picking. When I pick there is not one reason why...I just do it, good day or bad day. That's the looming depression and anxiety, I suppose. It's just there, hanging out! I'm working on stress management. 5 min meditation is on my daily to do list. :) I cannot believe you also work in media! Re the job this week, the company I work for is going into a transition where this time next week I will be working from home (office shutting down), so I suppose I've got an early start. I've been working from home this week and my boss is absolutely amazing and knows what's going on and is providing support and acting as a confidant. I really am grateful for the support I am receiving. Tonight though, I was supposed to work press with an artist (I work in music) and I decided to ask someone else to oversee. I did go out in public today, via my Mom's encouragment, but with a band aid on my chin. I just keep telling myself that I "fell off my bike"!! But my looming anxiety this week is that on Friday I MUST attend a media party. All of my cities industry people will be there, and I will likely be sporting a band aid on my chin, but hey, I'm bad ass I fell off my bike, right?! That's how I'm looking at it anyhow. How did you overcome your struggles? Seems like you are coping really well, and have maybe overcome this disorder?

On April 26th, 2012 MysteriousSunshine said:

Hi Butterfly! I feel like you are my sister-friend in this struggle! We do indeed have so much in common. Like I said earlier, I have totally been in your situation several times, so I can completely relate. You are very lucky to have an understanding employer. My previous employer was not understanding AT ALL. I recall having to stay off work for an entire week to let me skin heal. My employer made life very difficult throughout and upon my return. I never told them the true reason, just came up with a different ailment each time. Not having that support from my employer caused even more anxiety. It was like a vicious cycle until one day I just concluded that work is not THAT important. I left that job about 6 months ago (was there for 10 long years) and now work in much healthier environment - but, I do still have my moments. My saving grace has been yoga/meditation and also these boards. Up until I found these boards, I honestly and truly thought that I was the only person on earth going through this. Really. It feels like such a comfort to correspond with people, like yourself, that get it. Even my husband and sister don't even know or would understand this. It can be devastating and I admit, I have contemplated ending my life - but, that would mean giving up. I'm not willing to do that. Butterfly, good luck at your event on Friday. You will be gorgeous person - bandaid or not. xo Sunshine

On April 26th, 2012 ButterflyVergeO... said:

Hello Sister-Sunshine. I can only imagine how much harder it would be to have a boss that wasn't empathetic. My guess is, most wouldn't be. I am very fortunate, for sure. Good for you for leaving the job - maybe the picking was part in due to stress from that work environment anyhow. Family and health are MOST important, no question. :-) And, yes, these boards are a saving grace, truly. I have also had similar life threatening thoughts, as recently as Sunday. I really scared myself. But now, I have faith and I am excited to get on this healthy, self-compassionate path, which I began the moment I walked into the doctor's office on Monday and pleaded for help. NO way we should give up. Life is much to beautiful, skin picking disorder or not, because of people like you. Love Butterfly

On April 27th, 2012 MysteriousSunshine said:

Hi Sister Butterfly! Oh yes, you are so very right. Having a job/boss that was not at all empathetic was extremely difficult. It felt like I was in such a prison. I once told a friend that I should have left that job 5 years ago - he said that I should be proud that I hung in there and was eventually able to pursue something else. It is truly unbelievable the change between my job today and the previous one. So much healthier - and happier. It's not perfect. No job is, but I feel blessed and fortunate to have it. I am so happy to hear that you are excited about your new path. Your description of being "self compassionate" really struck a chord with me. Follow that and genuine happiness will follow! I am right along with you on the journey. Take care and best of luck at your event tomorrow. xo Sunshine

On April 26th, 2012 ButterflyVergeO... said:

PS - watch this!! Might strike a chord with you, as it did with me. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

On April 27th, 2012 MysteriousSunshine said:

Thank you! I will check it out tomorrow. Had yoga tonight and am running a bit late! :) xo Sunshine xo

For information on the skin picking disorder (Dermatillomania), symptoms, causes and treatment methods, get the Complete Guide to Skin Picking Disorders.