my progress

Posted May 24th, 2012 by skreed29
my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
‹ my experience You mean I'm not alone???? ›
On October 10th, 2012 skreed29 said:
im doing so good (: i wish i could show you guys my progress... im so proud of how far i have come over the last couple weeks (: (: (: (:
On October 10th, 2012 olivegreen said:
yay! Go you! xoxo
On October 6th, 2012 WantsHealthyGlow said:
Hi Sarah, I am new to this site and forum. I just want to say that I read a lot of your posts on this forum and I am proud if you! We all go through up and downs... and we all know how good it feels to me on an upswing.. with no picking and nice skin! Keep it up! Your posts are inspiring! We just have to keep it up and remember the feeling of looking and feeling great. I know that when my skin is good, even stressful or tough times seem manageable. When my skin is bad or I have been picking, all the bumps int he road (no pun intended) seem magnified.. and i don't feel powerful enough to overcome them. I will continue to check out this forum regularly. I am grateful for all of you!
On October 5th, 2012 skreed29 said:
doing good (: ive had a lot of stress lately but almost completely refrained from picking ! i think its good stress. its scary to start a new job but im so excited to be making money ! i can buy fancy shoes which will encourage me to let my skin heal so that i can feel confident enough to wear them out ! (: (: i am so obsessed with pumps lately, and yesterday me and my boyfriend went shoe shopping. i used to discriminate against the super high heels because im kind of tall (5'8"). but yesterday i tried on a pair of 5 inch heels and had niko stand up next to me to see how we looked and he was still about an inch and a half taller (: so my whole shoe world is opened up now (:
On October 5th, 2012 Emmi said:
I absolutly LOVE high heels, Im only 5'4" so I can get away with heels standing next to alot of people, but My partner, even when Im in heels, Im no where near his height, Its great, I pretty much own a shoe shop, I have 50 pairs of heels, I have to keep them in my car because theres not space in the house. But I love them, they are my treat to myself for achieving goals and for boosting my moods. hahaha. Im pretty much a crazy shoe lady :P
On October 3rd, 2012 skreed29 said:
so monday and today i had mini 1 pick relapses. just one spot each day... im not gonna beat myself up over that because its such an accomplishment to be able to stop after 1 ! i want to heal so bad, nothinggs gonna stop me this time. besides the two, 1 spot incindents i have been pick free for almost 9 days !
On October 4th, 2012 Emmi said:
Thats amazing to hear Sarah! Such a great achievement, and if you think about it, everyone picks at one spot every now and again, Your doing so well! Keep it up!!!
On October 5th, 2012 skreed29 said:
yeah ! i try to think about that. picking one spot every once in a while is not compulsive ! its pretty much natural... you are right. EVERYONE does it
On October 5th, 2012 Emmi said:
Exactly! Haha, thats how I think about it :) Your doing great :)
On October 1st, 2012 Emmi said:
Sarah!! How are things going? You haven't posted for a few days, I hope this means positive things, apose to negitive, Hopefully your be back soon to tell me all about how good you've been doing. Remember, always here is you need to talk :) xx
On October 1st, 2012 skreed29 said:
i have been busy lately ! sorry i havent posted, but no picking (: (: (: i got a job ! tomorrow is my first day and im feeling pretty confident. things are looking up (: hope you have been doing well too, thanks for always being there and still thinking of me when i have been gone for a few days (: what would i do without you ?!
On October 2nd, 2012 Emmi said:
Congrats on the job hunni!! thats exciting!! Im so glad to hear things are looking up for you and that you HAVENT BEEN PICKING!! Yay!!!!! thats great to hear!! I was picking a little bit for the past few weeks but ive been dealing with alot of stresses in my life, I hav recently stopped tho and my face is looking ALOT better :) Keep up the amazing work. Glad you know were always here if you need :)
On September 27th, 2012 skreed29 said:
im feeling really lonely lately. which is the most dangerous feeling for me. i hate that me and niko are on such different schedules because i cant count on him to be there for me when i really really need him. also, hes always tired and people are generally a-holes when theyre tired.. i dont feel loved today.
On September 27th, 2012 olivegreen said:
I may never have met any of you on this forum, but I'm starting to feel like I know you all. You aren't alone, Sarah, truly! I feel that one of the best things about this forum is feeling a sense of community. I used to feel alone and like I was hiding because of my picking. Now I feel liberated to find a group of people who share my "affliction" and who I can speak to freely. My point is, when you are feeling lonely, remember that you truly aren't alone. :)
On September 27th, 2012 Emmi said:
Welll you ARE LOVED! and your NEVER alone! Try and keep your head up lovey, Things will start to get better once your in a better routine with things, and you and your boyfriend will start to get into a routine and make time for eachother. Keeping your self occupied is always a really usefull tool, I recently started Pilates, theres a great website so you can do it from home. www.blogilates.com Best thing I ever did, plus, while your keeping your mind occupied your keeping fit and having fun!!! goo luck Hun, you'll get there. Everything will be ok :)
On September 25th, 2012 skreed29 said:
well i just relapsed. really bad. i basically tore my face to shreds.. so much blood that i could smell it. im sitting here crying my eyes out and i dont know what to do. i am so depressed. i was so close.
On September 25th, 2012 skreed29 said:
i am beating the shit out of myself for this one. i feel like i just have to give up now....... my face is always going to be a trainwreck, even if i let everything finally heal. i picked today because we moved today, into my boyfriends parents house. were moving into his little brothers old room because he just went away to college. sometimes i get a long with his parents, but they are unhealthy obese depressing people who make everyone around them miserable when they are in a bad mood. my boyfriend works 3rd shift so he has to sleep in the day time.. and i cant move the heavy things on my own to set up our room... so im just sitting here basically.. waiting until tomorrow. i feel unwelcome and uncomfortable and just lonely. so i picked. probably for like an hour and a half or 2 hours.... what a freaking mess ive made. why cant i stop ? its killing me. i dont deserve this...........
On September 26th, 2012 olivegreen said:
I can't agree with Emmi's post more! Listen to her advice--she is wise. What can you do to take your mind off of things? So you can't move the heavy things. Can you organize what you can move? Can you clean your new room? Can you go out and walk the neighborhood? How about just making a to-do list? Something to occupy your hyped-up mind. You need to find something that will help you relax! Ok more suggestions! Do you draw, paint, play an instrument, sing, or dance? (Even if you suck, it will help!) How about Yoga? You can get videos on YouTube for free or buy a cheap-o DVD at WalMart. How about meditative breathing? Deep slow breaths, and pick out a mantra to go along with it like, "I am (breathe in) strong (breathe out)." Love you, and take care, you can do it. Don't beat yourself up. Please, this will just make you feel worse in the long run.
On September 27th, 2012 skreed29 said:
thanks (: im feeling a little better today but there is still this hopeless, crying little girl occupying most of my brain because it was such a huge setback and i cant believe i could do this to myself... i hope i can make myself busier this time around because i really believe that i will heal faster if im not constantly thinking about my terrible skin. last night i was hating myself so much, and needed a distraction so i started playing runescape ! hahaha. what a waste of time but it can keep you occupied for hours ! playing video games. i also started filing down my nails rather than clipping them which has helped me get to that zen place that i used to rely on picking for. i spend a lot more time doing it than if i were to just clip them off and its mindless and repetive, a lot like how picking is for me. thanks so much for your support, you are a big help and its good to know that i have you guys here to help me up when i fall.
On September 26th, 2012 Emmi said:
Sarah, Breathe Hunni! Breathe! You need to calm down. It is OK to relapse.. ok, your going through a stressful time, like you mentioned, you have just moved to a place you dont feel comfortable, with zero notice.. your whole life has been tipped upside down! it is understandable, Now that you've have your release, being that you picked everything and anything you could, its time to pick your self up, and get back on track with your progress. Things will settle down. and you can get back on track. I understand how hard it can be living with people you dont feel comfortable with and people who dont live the same life style as you, but think about the future, a few years of this dis comfort, to be able to afford your VERY OWN house.. For someone your age, this is a HUGE deal, its a positive thing, You can pull through this, Ok sweetie. Just get back on track. Try and keep positive about things, and when you feel like his parents are in a foul mood and its rubbing off on you, smile.. because if your smiling, you seriously cant feel sad.. I do it all the time. Haha. Your going to be ok. Always here if you need.
On September 27th, 2012 skreed29 said:
thank you emmi, your posts always lift my spirits (: i read this last night and there was too much going on in my brain at the time to reply right away but your post really was the catalyst to restoring my sanity.
On September 25th, 2012 skreed29 said:
even though i struggle with picking.. when i step back and objectively evaluate myself and my life, im so glad im me ! sometimes i feel like im jealous of another girl, but if i am, im only jealous of part of her ! like maybe she has bigger boobs than me, and im in a 'wishing i had bigger boobs' mood. or smaller feet or something silly like that. a tiny little thing. i know though, that the whole package that is me is beautiful and i wouldnt want to be anyone else ! im cute and sexy and smart and unique and i have a boyfriend who i am convinced loves me absolutely unconditionally. hes seen me at my very worst, and dealt with everything i have thrown at him (literally and figuratively). he has helped me through my insecurities and through picking and everything else. and i could say he has also seen me at my best, because he has seen me at my best SO FAR ! but i wont condemn myself to that because i am so confident that the best is yet to come (: (: (:
On September 24th, 2012 skreed29 said:
so the next few days are going to be stressful ! we have been trying to sublet our apartment for a few weeks, so we can move in to nikos parents house for a while to save up to buy a house. well today we signed it over to a guy who wants in TOMORROW ! moving is so stressful and we have so much to do in so little time.. but im going to get through it ! no matter how strong the urge, theres no time to pick ! im also grateful in a way that everything is happening like this because i like to get things done fast, and have them done and be settled and cozy and move on with my life. also im about 95% sure i have a job i recently interviewed for but there is a good chance i will have an opportunity to work at a better place instead. so the money will be rollin in with no rent for a while (: i will have more opportunities to reward myself for no picking and more money to go on dates and do fun things where i will want my skin to look pretty (: so many good things will happen if i keep up the not picking. im going to
On September 25th, 2012 olivegreen said:
This is all great news! Being busy is a great deterrent...your mind (and hands) are too busy to pick! Good luck to you, and by the way, you're making a great decision by saving up money before buying a house! :) Hope it all keeps going your way!
On September 24th, 2012 skreed29 said:
having some itchies, but healing ! im excited (: i havent been this far into healing in so long. tomorrow it will be a week since my spot mini relapse and 2 weeks from my last badd relapse. its my time to heal (: yay for me.
On September 24th, 2012 Arati said:
yay! way to go :)
On September 24th, 2012 skreed29 said:
8 days until time for scar treatment (:
On September 23rd, 2012 skreed29 said:
im depressed today at how my skin looks, even though i havent looked in a mirror today. i wish i could heal faster but i know i cant. im getting through it this time though no matter what because i LOVE the fall and i want to enjoy it and its already starting without me. i have so many reasons not to pick, and i know i wont because i just want to stop so bad. i want to be healed and perfect. i have this feeling like, even though i see people everywhere, everyday with flawless beautiful skin.. when i have it, i will be more magical and angellic looking than anyone else ! my boyfriend told me the other day that i have a gift. he claims that even though i am always the prettiest girl in the world by a longshot, when im happy i get 150 percent prettier. i think this argument is a little bias, but i DO have a very expressive face and when im in a good mood its more than obvious. i notice people checking me out atleast 3 times more often when im happy. haha. its wierd how that works. how your emotions and your state of being can sometimes be so obvious from the outside ! and even sometimes be the difference between a person being seen as ugly or beautiful ! it also makes me believe that your mood has a lot to do with your healing ! ive been putting on makeup and going out lately because i think that forgetting about my skin and laughing and having fun are more valuable to speedy healing than it is to not wear makeup, but sit alone at home and dwell on how horrible my skin looks. its starting to feel like fall, and when i go outside i just get so overwhelmed with how beautiful the earth looks and smells. for me its this nervous excitement (mostly exciting), like you get when you see a boy you have a crush on. its so overwhelming and magical.
On September 24th, 2012 Emmi said:
By the sounds of things Hun, Your making some amazing progress, and Im sure that when your boyfriend tells you these things, he honestly means it, no one puts in effort to make someone feel good unless they actually mean it. I think that what he is saying is true :) Its really good to hear how far you have already come :) keep going. Your doing GREAT!!!
On September 23rd, 2012 skreed29 said:
so i have been filing my nails down as short as possible lately. to the point where it hurts a little at first, and i cant do a lot of things people normally can do with their fingernails. i dont make myself bleed or anything, its just a gentle reminder not to use my fingernails as weapons against myself ! they are really really short. it doesnt look bad though, i think they are kind of cute this way. and it helps with keeping me consious about not picking ! (:
On September 22nd, 2012 skreed29 said:
im happy (: im at a point in my healing where i notice a difference everyday ! everything bad is getting smaller and flatter and i know i will be where i wanna be soon. i really cant remember the last time i let myself heal this much, and its so exciting that i know i wont sabotage myself. im excited to be able to finally move on, and im still young ! only 18 ! by the time im 19 (end of december) my scars will be a lot less significant and then by this summer... i might even be comfortable going to a water park ! i love water parks but havent been to one in years because its so horrifying to let people see me without makeup ! i think i have so much potential to have really beautiful bare skin again on my face because i am so young, and even more because i live such a healthy lifestyle. i cant wait to just feel comfortable and not worry about ANY part of my skin. i really think my skin everywhere besides my face is exceptionally nice and glowy. especially because i love trying out new lotions and basically drown myself in it like 3 times a day ! yesterday i got this cocoa butter body oil because i wanted to see how an oil felt in place of lotion........ i started rubbing it on my leg and it smelled seriously like chocolate. not an artificial chocolate scent, but like real chocolate ! it was heavenly. really soothing and comfy and cozy ! i was just smelling myself for the rest of the night. i havent even had the urge to pick that much lately, keeping the light from above the bathroom mirror out, so when i go to wash my face i cant really see the details of my skin. i only put the light back when i have to do makeup. i also keep a towel over the mirror whenever i can !
On September 21st, 2012 skreed29 said:
still doing well (: healing more everyday. i believe its really my turn to kick this !
On September 19th, 2012 skreed29 said:
made it through yesterday ! 13 days before scar treatment will commence. im excited. im getting closer and closer everytime. no matter how many times i relapse, its still so worth it to heal. im impatient but will have to get through it (:
On September 19th, 2012 Emmi said:
I love reading how positive you are :) its GREAT!! keep up the GREAT work Sarah, 13 days of no picking, your skin is going to look FANTASTIC, just remember that if your ever tempted :) hehe.
On September 18th, 2012 skreed29 said:
feeling crappy today. i could have picked way worse. it was only 6 spots.. i need to remind myself that i was able to stop myself and thats important. i havent been able to make it past a week lately but yesterday was the 8th day, so thats an improvement. and it was only 6 spots ! i want to heal though so i decided that if i make it to a week from today (tuesday. and i WILL make it) i get to order this fancy new makeup i have been wanting. and also i better not pick because in TWO WEEKS from today i decided i want to start my vitamin e scar therapy and i dont think thats a good idea with open wounds or active breakouts so i better not sabotage myself ! i need some words of encouragement. this is a hard thing to deal with ): i get so mad when i relapse even a little because it makes me feel like i am stupid and worthless and i should just be able to stop. im quitting picking today though. re quitting. i have to put makeup on for a little bit today, but hopefully i can avoid it after that until saturday and get some serious healing done. im giving myself 2 weeks to have no wounds and hopefully no breakouts so i better make the most of it. i know it is a realistic goal for me as long as i really commit to quitting. which i am !!!!
On September 19th, 2012 little-love said:
I have been quitting for around 2 or 3 weeks now and over the past few days I have noticed myself slipping. I think it's because i have been really stressed. I am going to be moving out to go bac to uni in just over a week and I want half decent skin! My skin is looking better but I wish it would heal quicker :( I had a little squeeze this morning but that is it now. i am going to keep myself busy for the rest of the day so i am not tempted. I just hate picking it makes me want to stay in all the time and I get so BORED. I know I can do this though!! I will beat it!! Why do I CARE SO MUCH about the skin on my face??? I am perfectly fine with the rest of my body???? So this means I can be fine with the skin on my face too :))))) x
On September 19th, 2012 Emmi said:
We are all concerned with the skin on our faces, the rest of our body we can hide away if we need to, but because we are all so aware that our face is what people look at while speaking to you or anything like that, we all stress that our skin has to be perfect, when really, people dont notice the little blemishes untill we point them out, even the spots you have now, most people don't even seem them, we need to realise others dont care as much as we do, and what we see when we look in the mirror, is actually an over exadurated version of what everyone else see's. Your exactly right, if your not worried about the rest of your body, whyyy worry about your face :) Good to hear positivity :)
On September 19th, 2012 Emmi said:
Sarah! Snap out of feeling worthless and stupid! it doesnt help! people have relapses, Hell I havent pick for 7 months now, and the past week ive been picking again.. I have said so many times to so many people that we are only human, its hard to break a habit but YOU WILL get there. and your not "requitting" you have quit, Youve still quit, you are a non picker. relapsing is heart breaking but your only human, please stop beating your self up over this hun. Your doing so great, 6 spots in 8 days, when was the last time that happened in your life? that in its self is an achievement! these things dont happen over night, youve managed to stop your self at 6 spots, so next time, youll stop your self at 5, there is nothing wrong with that. Your still teaching your self new habits, its not going to be a fast easy task, its dificult and its long, but you WILL get there! Keep up your great work! and stop with the self beating! xx
On September 19th, 2012 skreed29 said:
thank you again, emmi (: i got back to my optimistic self after a good workout this morning ! im just excited to heal and keep making more and more progress.
On September 19th, 2012 Emmi said:
Thats good, Im glad to hear :) Honestly keep up the good work, and the same way you stop your self from picking, stop your self from beating your self down :)
On September 18th, 2012 skreed29 said:
i just had a 6 spot relapse.. im mad ): but i have to move on...................... i quit !
On September 16th, 2012 skreed29 said:
i have a job interview this afternoon ! im so excited because i know if i get this job, it will improve my life in so many ways. and most importantly, i will have people i have to see and look pretty for everyday !!! that will such a good motivator not to pick (even though i already quit) and i can buy myself fancy stuff. like i really want the whole cook for the cure collection by kitchen aid ! because its for breast cancer and everything is this sweet pretty shade of pink. it will feel so good to be able to buy it with my own money (: (: (: im too excited. the things i have wanted the most lately are to heal and to have a job, because if i get this job, we will be making almost 2x as much money as before and really wont have to worry about a thing ! and not only will i have more motivation to quit picking, but a lot more time where i dont even have the opportunity to. i will let you guys know later if i got the job or not (: i have really high hopes even though thats probably not very smart haha
On September 15th, 2012 skreed29 said:
itching like crazy ! but getting by. ive been trying to increase my awareness by thinking about some of my triggers, i think a really important one is feeling alone or uncared for. i have never been close with my family, i moved out when i was 17 and talk to each of my parents probably once a month. i know thats more than a lot of people do but compared to many other 18 year olds who still live with their parents, its not. i have always had trouble getting close to people. at times i have considered myself to have many 'friends', but not many people i could trust or rely on. usually its really just been one person who i let my gaurd down for at a time. right now and for the past 2 and a half years, it has been my boyfriend, niko. ive noticed that im much more prone to pick when we have a fight and he has to leave for work or he falls asleep and there are still bad feelings between us. hes pretty much all i have and at those times, i feel like i dont have him and its very lonely. thankfully that hasnt been happening so much lately (*knock on wood*). he knows i have decided to quit and i told him he needs to be extra nice and love me as much as he can for the next few weeks to help me through this. hes very supportive and such a sweetheart most of the time, but sometimes i just wish he understood more about dermatillomania and ocd. im getting through it this time.. i know i am because i keep thinking about how if i relapse, i will just have wasted a few more weeks of my life and ill have to go through this all over again. its very very difficult but i know it will be so much more than worth it. im healing every second.. the itching meands healing and the worse i itch the faster i am healing (: i have come close to losing my mind a few times, but better that than have a relapse. im going to do this, im going to do this, im going to do this. im so strong and its in my control and i can do whatever i put my mind to. i have been trying to quit for so long, but i guess just trying wasnt good enough. i had/have to just put every single speck of courage and patience and restraint i can muster into DOING it right, not trying. making a serious commitment to improve my life.
On September 14th, 2012 skreed29 said:
i have so much hope and im so so glad that i live the healthy lifestyle that i do.. its nice to know that with every squat i squat and with every bite i take, im helping my face heal ! working out and eating right are so important and they seriously speed up healing and make you feel good and even make you less prone to scarring ! when i managed not to pick previously, i had sooo much self respect and now that ive quit for good, i cant even imagine how my self confidence will benefit. most people say that my vegan(except eggs, eggs are the only animal product i eat), gluten/refined sugar/ vegetable oil/ soy free diet is extreme but i disagree.. i think im fueling my body with just what it needs ! im healing every second and im excited to be able to say that i am HEALED. i cant remember the last time i didnt have some area on my body that i picked, but im there now (: and everyday getting closer and closer to where i want to be physically. i love treating my body right and feeling good and energetic as a result ! soooooo excited for the very near future (: (: (: (: (:
On September 17th, 2012 Emmi said:
My mother is a vegan, has been for 15 years, her skin is spotless, beautiful radiant skin. Im glad to hear your doing so well hun. : ) : ) : )
On September 17th, 2012 skreed29 said:
thanks for the reassurance emmi (: i think if i continue to not pick (which i will, because i quit !) my face will be perfect soon too. i think my face skin is dying to match the healthy pretty skin all over the rest of my body. i occasionally get 1 little zit on my chest or on my back and can usually link it to my period or a special occasion where i ate some ice cream or something. pretty sure the spots on my face are excoriated acne that i have self inflicted because they always pop up within a week of a serious picking session ! i have been pick free for a week and am now seriously healing (: (:
On September 13th, 2012 skreed29 said:
i love myself (: so glad to not be a picker anymore..
On September 13th, 2012 skreed29 said:
im so excited to be healed and take advantage of the potential i have to look so beautiful ! i miss my family and have been putting off visiting them because i didnt want them to see the mess i made of myself. there are so many things i want to do and places i want to go im opening up my whole world by being done with picking (: i cannot contain my excitement !
On September 13th, 2012 olivegreen said:
I'd like to make one kind suggestion I read from another "picker" on here--instead of saying "my face will be healed" say "my face is healed." There is power in changing the statement to the present! Good luck to you, I'm in this battle with you. I'm on day 2 :)
On September 13th, 2012 skreed29 said:
i dont want to lie to myself. but i have decided that im no longer a "picker", and have been constantly reminding myself of it !
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For information on the skin picking disorder (Dermatillomania), symptoms, causes and treatment methods, get the Complete Guide to Skin Picking Disorders.