I am relieved that this thing I’ve been battling my whole life has a name. I’m scared at the same time though because it makes it that much more real, and now that I’ve acknowledged it, I have to start dealing and taking real steps toward healing myself.
I’ve been picking ever since I can remember. I just can’t stop. As a young child, it started with constantly picking on mosquito bites or scabs from when I’d hurt myself or my cuticles. When I got a little older, I’d do that plus pick on ingrown hairs all over my arms and legs. Then as a teenager, it’d be all those things plus picking on my acne on my arms, chest, and face. It’s been like that ever since.
Picking on my acne is definitely my biggest problem. If I’m not picking, I’m constantly thinking about picking, especially if I know that there’s a pimple on my face waiting to be popped. My skin is all rough and scarred up because of it. I will have scars for the rest of my life. I can spend HOURS in front of the mirror picking away at my skin. When I’m at it, I just can’t stop. I know that it’s going to make it worse, I know that it’s going to leave a scab and most likely a scar, and I know that I’ll hate myself afterwards. I just keep going at it until it either gets all bloodied up or puss comes out. Then it’ll form a scab, then I’ll pick the scab, and it’ll form another scab, and I’ll pick and the cycle continues.
I almost always wear foundation whenever I leave the house. I hate it. I also go out of my way to wear less revealing clothes to cover my scabs and scars on my arm and chest. Summertime is particularly difficult for me. I have avoided leaving the house, avoided hanging out with my friends by making lame excuses, and even avoided going to school because of this. It is out of control. My picking behavior is out of control.
Enough is enough. This is the first time I’ve openly talked about my problem, so this is a big step in the right direction. I just started seeing a psychiatrist for medication and therapy. I am stronger than this disorder, we all are. I am going to kick this dermatillomania in the butt. Join me.