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Freddy Krueger , 10 Aug 2011

New, and serious

Hello, I am new, but not half as embarrassed as I am glad, or relieved to have found this site. What finally prompted me today, was another big, blowout tearful fight between my spouse and myself. I am a 54 year old man, married 36 years to a wonderful female who cares enough to climb up, down and all over my back like a rabid badger. I mean no disrespectful or sarcastic humor by the username I have chosen- i feel like I look just like a Nightmare on Elm Street- skin like Freddy Krueger. I started picking on my arms to begin with, 5 years ago. Since then, when I began, i haven't stopped. I spend hours in the bathroom mirror, any time of the day or night when or if I get up to use the bathroom. I targeted blackheads and pimples, but i have never had acne problems, God blessed me with beautiful, smooth skin, but it is ruined now, permanently scarred with ugly spots, colored ranging from red to dark purple or blue. They will not go away, the ones i first began gouging out, have not gone away. Now, my entire body is covered, chest, neck, face, ( some people look at me like i have "Meth-face"-even though I have never touched meth or any illegal drug ). My legs are awful as well. I used to love swimming at the local aquatic pool- that is now gone forever. I would never endure the hot summers here where we live without wearing shorts- that is risky now. I look into the mirror, and back in time as well..through all the other hurdles I endured. I wonder looking at my face in the reflection, why my 'faith in God' can't help me, oh screw it! If i didn't believe from my religion that my eternal soul would suffer from doing so, I would have comitted suicide a long time ago...I don't have the guts!..but sometimes i would really like to...i screw up everything in life! Now, i really have something to show for it! So much S_____over the last 4 yers. screwing with my mind!..sorry, i am selfish going on over me me me.....I know i am not alone and so many of you suffer. I cry at the drop of a hat...wear my emotions on my sleeve...and I am a grown man. what is wrong with me? or...what ISN"T ?
5 Answers
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Realitysucks
August 12, 2011
I am so sorry that you seem to have been going through troubled times. Like many of us here, we don't really know the answer to 'what is wrong with me'. In my own personal situation I think part of it is feeling so depressed/down on the inside and somehow wanting that pain to be portrayed elsewhere, though I know none of us hunker down in the bathroom mirror and intentionaly plan to cause scars - we get carried away, unaware of the damage we are causing, caught in the moment, and the next thing we know we wake up are ashamed/embarresed/mortified. I know what you mean about the shorts thing, I live in California and used to spend all my time at the beach. Most of my scarring is on my face which makes everything worse. I no longer enjoy the beach, sun isnt good for scars and the water I once loved will wash away the make-up I use to hide them. Argh. I will pray for you and for your relationship with your wife. Keep updating, vent, let off steam....I will look forward to hearing from you and sharing with you.
Freddy Krueger
August 12, 2011
Reality : Thank you for your comapssion and friendly spirit. I find it a gift of incredible value to have people like you who all listen and understand with non critical responses. I appreciate your reply, especially the input that the sun is not good for scarring - I didn't know this, and where I live up in these high altitudes where the air is so thin, coupled with the many 'holes' in the Ozone at this latitude, there are alot of skin cancers and the sun just seems to 'cook' you in minutes, no matter how conditioned one's skin may be. I know what you mean about California..i have family down there- it is a very social climate, and I had an aunt living in Huntington Beach. Down there or anywhere, you can't avoid people. If you are like me, I know we wonder what people think when it's 90 degrees and I am wearing long sleeves. It makes me wish for winter to get here. I am one who likes to encourage people and boost their self-esteem, because I know what it feels like to hate life, hate one self, and to be in a hopeless cycle of deep despair..the pain of just living hurts....I hope I can help somebody, you have helped me - really...thank you. Fred / Mike.
Realitysucks
August 12, 2011
I'm also wishing for winter, but really, that still means bright sunny days and warm weather - ugh. You'd be suprised how good I am at avoiding people in the hussle and bustle of California, I'm a pro now LOL Thank goodness for online shopping, I almost never have to leave the house. Heck, when the UPS guy shows up I don't even answer the door, even if it is something I am dying to get - I wait for him to get back in his truck and then I go get it LOL I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you are. I know a lot of people suggest go to a dermatologist, for me, that is ridiculous advise because I can hardley stand to look at myself let alone have someone else point out all of my flaws. I can only imagine the depression I would spiral into if I had to sit there and listen to someone tell me how much is wrong with my skin. It'd be like a nightmare. Have you tried any at home treatments. I researched derma rollers, they seem to work is what I have heard, I bought one but havent yet really used it too much. I have faith it may improve my skin and the way it works seems to make sense to me. I've also just bought some chemical peels, online of course. They sound like they may be worth a shot. I feel really bad sometimes because I know people with 'real' problems, have a friend who has terminal brain cancer who lives life to the fullest despite a less than a year to live prognosis, and here I am, perfectly healthy in so many ways - yet I can hardley even leave the house, fixated on my problem which is so trivial in comparison to the suffering of so many, yet it consumes me.
Realitysucks
August 12, 2011
And PS - You have already helped me. Just knowing I am not the only one with these emotions and struggling just to get through the day, dreading the 'outside' world....is a huge comfort.
ChuChuCee
August 13, 2011
Hey there. I know exactly how you feel. I'm 20 years old, in the prime of my life, yet I hardly leave the house because I am so ashamed of the way I look. I highly highly recommend doing some research and finding a good therapist, one that specializes in OCD, BDD, or even better, CSP. I just two days ago began seeing a woman who specializes in OCD and I immediately have this little seed of hope inside of me again. I will be updating my progress with her periodically on here. Read the post titled "Fail" and the comments on it. I talk about the things she and I discussed, maybe you can find some helpful information in there. I do hope so anyway. It is such a terrible thing to feel this way about ourselves. Hang in there and best of luck to you.

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