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skreed29 , 24 May 2012

my progress

my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
328 Answers
skreed29
July 02, 2012
no picking (: but i feel like im breaking out. im starting to think my breakouts are linked to emotional stuff. on thursday night i was really upset and freaking out, now its sunday night, when i washed my face i noticed a few new spots. i think it takes a few days for that kind of thing to show up in your skin, so it would make sense. that would suck though, because my emotions are a little bit crazy and hard to control. not in the greatest mood this evening ): but staying strong.
skreed29
July 03, 2012
i had a moderate relapse this morning. i feel horrible and guilty because i made a commitment to some people. but the most notable thing is that i picked myself right back up afterwards. usually when i pick in the morning i skip my workout and just get in the shower, then hide at home all day. today, after my session, i rinsed off my face with some cold water and proceeded with my day as if it were any other day. i worked out, made a smoothie, showered, did my hair and makeup, and got on with my life. im upset that i picked but im more proud of the way that i dealt with it. i have been eating healing foods all day so hopefully i will have a quick recovery. i made it 12 days, not too shabby.. hoping for another good run.
skreed29
July 04, 2012
today i feel pretty good (: i cleaned my apartment very thoroughly and i just feel so nice and comfy now (: im optimistic. i really want my face to look nice, and i have to keep reminding myself that the only way thats ever going to happen is if i just stop picking !
skreed29
July 05, 2012
no picking today. im itchy in the spots where i picked a few days ago but it just means healing so im being hopeful and happy (:
sickandtired87
July 05, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

I am glad you are healing! I had a relapse too, just this morning. I am so mad at myself, and wish I was dealing with it as positively as you did. The word failure just keeps ringing in my mind. I really do feel like one. Which I know is silly because this isn't something that can be cured over night and I have been doing really well up until this point. Im just so angry bc my wedding is 2 weeks away and I know there's a good chance I won't be fully healed by then. My fiance told me this morning that I am beautiful and he loves me no matter what, and I wish I could believe him. I just know I won't feel beautiful until I believe I am beautiful and that won't happen if I can't stop picking. I'm feeling really defeated...but I am trying my best to stay positive.
skreed29
July 05, 2012

In reply to by sickandtired87

im so sorry to hear that. this morning i relapsed again and it was such a horrible mess. i didnt work out, i havent even showered and i have been laying in my bed crying. i know its different because you have a wedding coming up, and soon ! but youre going to be okay. i promise. and even if you cant be perfect by your wedding, you should try with all your might to remember that he DOES love you no matter what, and you will have the rest of your life with him to heal and feel beautiful. we cant let ourselves feel defeated. i know how freaking horribly challenging that is but we HAVE to look forward and be optimistic. thats the only way we can ever make any progress. im having a terrible day, i picked already 2 different times, but im gonna do all i can to get through the rest of the day pick free, and hopefully turn over a new leaf tomorrow. i know the hopelessly desperate/depressed, wanting to give up, "im never going to stop picking" state you are probably in, im soo right there with you. but we have to fight it.
sickandtired87
July 06, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Im so sorry you are having a bad day:( I am glad we can go through together even though its awful, there truly is comfort in the fact that I am not alone and that someone out there understands what I am going through. You are right, all we can do is try our best to move forward. We WILL get through this. I hope you got through the rest of your night ok, I am here for you girl. Chin up, tomorrow is a new day.
skreed29
July 06, 2012
had a relapse yesterday morning and it was pretty awful, but all you can do is get through it and move on. i havent picked since yesterday maybe around 2 ish. i pretty much cant look in the mirror without crying, i made such a mess of my face, but i know its downhill from here and im putting the best possible things into my body for healing. im really into whole, raw foods and also giving my body the nutrients it needs through foods rather than supplements. i also believe that what you put IN your body has a million times more to with what happens to it than what you put ON your body, so i guess thats how i stay so optimistic. even if my face looks totally like shit, my body feels good and happy because i am giving it the fuel it craves, and doing all i can to have a speedy recovery (:
skreed29
July 08, 2012
i relapsed again ! what is wrong with me??? i have been taking care of my body more than ever, but for the last week have been in a pattern of picking every third day. its depressing. i have been noticing less inflammation and quicker healing, but everytime i pick i know i am causing more and more permanent damage to my face and it is seriously breaking my heart. i am so desperate. how am i going to get over this ?
skreed29
July 09, 2012
trying to keep my chin up. im so depressed that i picked again. i look at myself in the mirror and my skin all over my whole body is beautiful and glowing and im grateful for that and it makes me feel so good... but people dont see me naked, people see my face. i have to get over this. i want to look like a healthy person, i feel like because of the way my face looks, people just think there is something wrong with me. if i could just stop for 2 weeks ! i would be so happy and so much better looking. i am so excited for august 10th, niko got us tickets to see lamb of god and dethklok. thats like the concert of my most intimate fantasies. i wish i could make a goal for myself to not pick until then, but i know i would only be dissapointed because i would fail.
skreed29
July 09, 2012
i picked again ! i need so desperately to get out of this rut im stuck in. i have picked 5 different times (4 diffferent days) in the last probably 8 or 9 days. this is freaking killing me ): im gonna tighten up on the rules. no more looking at myself in the mirror before my workout in the morning. that will be hard, but if i can do it, i will be a million times less likely to pick. i will cover it with a towel every night before bed. also, no more face touching in the mirror even if its not picking unless i am washing my face or putting on moisturizer or doing my makeup. no eating of any foods that make me feel even the tiniest bit crappy or guilty or not good about myself unless it is a weekend and niko is there to keep an eye on me ( sometimes eating bad makes me feel anxious and i pick). i need to de claw myself (cut my fingernails down to the skin) twice a week. preferably monday and thursday mornings. ONLY EXFOLIATE IN THE MORNING !!! that one is key for some reason. a lot of times when i exfoliate at night the next morning i wind up picking. its stupid. i get so down when i pick but after a few minutes or sometimes a few hours i remember that it will get better. the sooner i stop picking, the better it will get, and faster ! i take care of my body in so many ways but then i pick and its like im just sabotaging myself. like i dont really want to feel pretty or comfortable with myself, but i know i desperately do ! im making a hard copy of my rules to tape onto my bathroon mirror. i hope i can do better this time.
skreed29
July 10, 2012
got through the rest of yesterday and had a very good morning ! followed my rules for the most part and not a spot picked ! im feeling good and optimistic and wanting to look pretty so bad. im SO close ! since ive been eating really well, i heal like 4 times faster. it is crazy.
sickandtired87
July 11, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Sarah! I'm so sorry I haven't been hear to give you a positive boost for the past couple days:( things are getting crazier and crazier for the wedding...I'm getting so stressed and a little broken out but I have been so busy that I haven't been picking. Don't get down on yourself, you are beautiful inside and out and you can beat this. I have been thinking a lot and I think its jjust no good to set goals like "I won't pick until such and such a date" because it just sets us up for disappointment. I think we need to make a new goal to love ourselves and take this on one day at a time. We can do it and things will get better. This morning I was so happy to see that the nasty spot down by my chin is almost completely healed....but then I got so frustrated because I noticed a new cyst right above that spot. I swear its like the second I heal there is another spot to tempt me and drive me insane. Ugh! But I am leaving it alone!!! And it will go away. Stay positive girl, chin up!!!
skreed29
July 11, 2012

In reply to by sickandtired87

i understand, never been through wedding stuff but i would imagine getting everything taken care of is incredibly hectic ! missed you though, and im soooooooo glad to hear you have been doing well ! i think you are right about not setting long term goals. we need to be more excited just to get through one day, and to be a tiny bit more healed and happy the next day ! how soon is your wedding now ? im so excited for you (: and i know you can stay strong.
skreed29
July 11, 2012
did good this morning (: which is good, and i have to keep it up because i have some binding engagements this weekend that i cant really bail out of just because i feel ugly. i have been thinking of my positive attributes today and its making me happy (: i think im very pretty, and i think my face has the potential to heal almost back to perfect flawless skin ( even though it may take a few months). i have some cratery scars in my cheeks but they have lightened up a lot and are not that deep at all, ive seen a lot worse. the rest of my face has some pigmentation scarring, but i think that will go away over time, and there are some scabs and blemishes on my face but i am so on the right track ! (: (: (: (:
sickandtired87
July 11, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Goooodd!!!!! I am so glad you had a good morning and that you took time to acknowledge what is wonderful about you!! I believe In you and know that you can get your face healed!!! You are so right about celebrating each day we succeed. One small victory at a time! And I am sorry again about my absence, and yes oh my goodness all this stuff is getting hectic! It is only 10 days away! Can't believe it. I am really feeling good lately and hoping to stay super strong until the big day!
skreed29
July 12, 2012
im so happy that im doing better lately (: the biggest help for me is keeping the mirror covered in the morning until AFTER i workout. mornings are my worst time for picking. i think it helps to know when you are most likely to pick so you can be extra careful at those times ! another thing is, i think having a healthy diet and lifestyle has the potential to be a HUMUNGOUS help through this battle we are facing. when you take care of your body and fuel it with the right things, atleast for me it has helped to control my stress and anxiety so much, and the times when i feel good and happy are better than ever before. when i treat myself right with my diet and excercise, i am encouraged more than ever to also be nice to my skin and not pick !
sickandtired87
July 13, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

I am happy for you!!!!! I picked last night...ugh. But. I decided I will not have a defeatist attitude about it. It happened, but it wasn't horrible. I think slowly but surely I will figure out when enough is enough. This past time, it started out as just popping a little zit and I didn't let myself squeeze with my nails, and I stopped after it popped. I was pretty happy with myself for that, but then later I came back to it and again, I told myself no nails and don't squeeze to hard but I broke the skin without even intending too...that was a bit frustrating, but instead of continuing to pick I put some healing ointment and a bandaid on it (this has been working for me lately) and went to straight to bed. I think I need to start looking at each picking slip up as an opportunity to learn from myself, and stop completely shutting down on myself when I do slip up. You are so right about eating healthy and exercising. I haven't been so great with exercise lately, but I have never ate this healthy before and it does make me feel really good. I am so glad that you have found a good routine with healthy diet and working out because you are so right about it helping to control anxiety and stress!!! I hope you have another good day!!!

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