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skreed29 , 24 May 2012

my progress

my name is sarah, i live in southern indiana. im 18 years old and have been picking since i was about 10. i am mildly ocd, and have been literally since i can remember but didnt understand it when i was younger, looking back its very obvious though. i also have bdd(body dismorphic disorder) probably since about 7th grade, and i pick at my skin compulsively. right now i mostly pick at my face, even though at some points in the past i have picked at my back, chest, arms, legs, and pubic area. thankfully, these places are now healed for the most part and very nice looking. i have never felt close to my parents(who were divorced when i was 2, my brother was 5) or most of my family. i would say my closest relative is my older brother. he suffers with a lot of the same issues as me. i live with my boyfriend, who i have been with for a little more than 2 years, he tries to be supportive of my picking compulsion but i think its very hard to understand when you arent in the same boat. i consider myself to have a very beautiful body, and when my face isnt covered in spots and wounds and scars, its awfully cute too, but the picking is holding me back from feeling good about myself. i graduated highschool recently and am taking some time off (no work or school) to heal on the inside and on the outside. im going to post here everyday, maybe even more than once to just post my progress and thoughts about the day, or if i find something new and helpful. at the moment i am 3 days clean (: going on 4
328 Answers
skreed29
July 22, 2012
i relapsed. bad. there is too much pressure lately and not enough support. i really dont like my relationship with my boyfriend lately and its taking a toll on my face. i guess all i can do right now is move on.. its hard, im feeling so mad at myself and on the verge of tears.
LDC
July 22, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Poor Sarah :( its awful to feel like that. Just remember, there are no ups if there are no downs. So things will start looking up for you. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, then start afresh. Things don't always go our way in life. And it's harder to get by when things aren't working out. But try not to be hard on yourself. Start again tomorrow. If you're happy with yourself, you won't be so upset about the other things in your life. I know you're a caring person. You should feel good about that.
skreed29
July 22, 2012

In reply to by LDC

thank you. life is hard sometimes, and even more so when your only escape is also the thing that makes everything a million times worse ): its nice to have people like you on here who understand because no one in my physical life does. not even close. i dont know how im going to get through this picking thing.. but i am. ive got to. i think thats the silver lining to every relapse we have, is that we are a little bit closer to beating it, even if we still have a long long way to go.
skreed29
July 22, 2012
feeling bad, but also lucky that i only pick on my face. i used to pick my bikini area and that was just the worst. i have never felt more lonely or hopeless than when i picked and was covered in scars down there. i hate that i picked yesterday because it was a huge setback and now im not going to look pretty for the 28th. i really wish there was something i could do to recover faster just this one time, and then it would be the last time because the only reason i ever relapse is the post- picking breakouts i have. i wish someone would just tie me down, or i could take a pill that would make me sleep for like 2 weeks and then everything would hopefully be okay. i am so antisocial and depressed lately, trying so hard to recover but this is just killing me. when my face is really really really broken out i get some relief out of hardcore exfoliating but its probably terrible and worse for the acne to do that. does anyone have any good tips on how to dry up a zit really quick. so its just a scabby thing ? its so much easier for me to resist scabs than pimples.
icanstop
July 24, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Hi skreed29:) First I have to tell you that reading your forum really helped me and what got me on this forum. Thank you for being so honest and open with everyone. I have the opposite problem in that I pick at scabs more than fresh pimples:/ As far as healing using a serum or mask that has a lot of vitamins and minerals in it is good for the scabs. And with the pimples salacilic acid and benzoyl peroxide work best. Those are my textbook answers (straight out of esthetics school) but they have also helped me in real life. I thought going to school for skincare would help me to know what damage I am doing by picking and that my skin would majically be clear and I wouldnt need to pick anymore.. well I now know and I still do it just feel more guilty for it. Trying soo hard not to touch my face tonight. I'm going to take this 12hrs at a time. Hope the vitamins and everything works out good to help you heal!
skreed29
July 24, 2012

In reply to by icanstop

i am so glad to hear that ! (: it makes me feel so good to help people. i hope you post in here to let us all know how you are doing, i personally had a pick free monday and am on the same track for today ! sharing my progress on here has helped me so much. i read a thing about anxiety disorders yesterday that was saying its better to talk about the things you are obsessing over than to try to suppress them..the example given went like this; the author said to take 2 minutes to relax and not think about a dancing elephant. at that point, all you can think about is a dancing elephant !!!! so basically, the more you tell yourself to stop picking at your face (or whatever you pick), the stronger and stronger the urges will become. thats why i think this forum is such a useful tool, because some of us dont feel comfortable talking to people in our physical lives about it, but you can always come on here and get everything off your chest ! i wish you the best best best of luck and i hope you will stick around on skinpick.com (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: because we can overcome this.
skreed29
July 22, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

it sucks so bad. i have 5 days to heal now, i need to take advantage of them. i think im just going to do what i need to to feel okay and clean about my face. which probably means exfoliating everyday, i guess its okay as long as i dont pick. ive been trying to learn more about ocd in general because i know that for me, my ocd is definately the root of my picking compulsion. also, im gonna start painting my fingernails and toenails, so i can use picking the polish off as a replacement to picking. i hope i can make some serious progress this week
valentine
July 23, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Hey Sarah, I'm sorry to read that you're struggling. But know that we've all been there. I picked one scab on my bikini line today but that's one scab too many. Maybe you can try a 24hr commitment with me right now? To try and keep picking at bay for one day? I think sometimes a day at a time is the only way. And I really want to start accumulating some more days. I have the inverse problem you describe. The only place I still pick is my bikini line. And, even though it's not *that* bad, I feel awful about it and want everything to heal by the time my boyfriend is back in town in a few weeks. Argh. Anyway, I tried starting yesterday but will try again today. Wishing you luck and hoping you remember you're not alone!
AmyJuergens
July 23, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Hi valentine and skreed29. Valentine I saw another thread where you posted a reply to teenpicker and I want to commend you for your outreaching support to the sufferers on this forum. I also applaud your perseverance and the progress you have made in controlling your impulses. I myself am a therapist (although currently unemployed and yet to be licensed) and although I know all about the treatments and know all the things someone with CSP should and should not do, I myself still struggle daily (if not hourly) with compulsive skin picking. I have struggled with it since adolescence, when I first started getting acne (acne is my target area) although I remember picking scabs occasionally when I was a child. I also have struggled with OCD for the past 20 years or so (I'm one of the 23-25% of OCD sufferers who also have CSP -lucky me!! :P ) and was diagnosed with Major Depressive D/O at 15. While I take medications that significantly reduce my OCD (Paxil (aka Paroxetine) was truly a God-send and I have taken it for over 10 years) and depressive symptoms, for most people, medication does not completely eradicate the disorder or its symptoms. The rule of thumb with psychopharmacology, particularly with anxiety disorders, is that if the medication is lessening the symptoms and associated distress to the point that you can start to have some sense of control and empowerment in fighting back, then the medication is working!! That's when therapy becomes essential. So, I did that for about 8 years too -as the client- and it still benefits me as a practitioner. Getting back to my point -which I will make now :P -my CSP was never something I really acknowledged so it never got better. It was more bearable than my other problems, until now. Now, it has gotten to the point that I must acknowledge that the problem is there. Whereas it used to be just my face -maybe my back a little, NOW it is my breasts, my pubic area (those cursed ingrown hairs!!), all over my back and shoulders, and even my upper arms. In the past couple weeks, I've also began to...ugh, I hate to say the word...PICK my hips and buttocks. The worst part (and I saw someone mentioned this elsewhere on the forum) is that for the past year or two, I've started to pick at my husband as well. It's hard to acknowledge that I've let that go on for two years -now, he's never been okay with it, mind you, but only within the past 6 months or so has he really been resistant -and reasonably so. What's even worse, is I get irritated at him when he protests my picking at him. I know he has every right to say no to that and really, I wish he would never let me do it AT ALL, but he's just trying to be patient. Problem is, the more he allows me to do, the more I do. I can't do this to my husband or myself anymore -I'm a pretty woman and I'm still young-looking, (for now :P ) -except for the red spots and bumps sprinkled around on my face -and to see the dozens of red sores and scabs on my arms and back -I feel so ashamed and wonder how my husband could possibly find me attractive. It's painful because I know he used to really think I was pretty and attractive, and I just can't imagine him feeling that way now. If he didn't know what caused the marks, then maybe it wouldn't seem so bad, but he knows, and I feel so disgusting and guilty for making myself look like this. So, it has to stop. I'm trying to think of ways to keep my hands busy as I tend to absent-mindedly pick while I'm watching tv, or reading, or lying in bed. I've also thought of wearing gloves, or putting band-aids over the tips of my fingers. Anything that works for the meantime, while I'm trying to heal my sores and develop permanent solutions. I think working on being mindful of our picking as well as our feelings when we are feeling anxious is one of the main keys. However, I think this is something people like us will have to continue to cope with and control indefinitely. I'm going to do like you skreed29 and valentine, make short-term goals, but we must remember that telling ourselves that we are just not going to 'pick' -is not enough. We pick as a means to self-soothe, to cope with anxiety/stress and if you take that away, you have to put something else in its place -a better coping mechanism. This isn't a typical habit that can be broken in 30 days. This is a chemical imbalance in our brain, a chronic psychological/medical condition, that we have to learn to contend with on a daily basis. Knowledge is power, as is self-awareness. Let's take it day by day, like you ladies have suggested. Tomorrow my goal is going to be to try and be aware of when I'm starting to pick, and to brainstorm ways I can re-direct myself when I feel compelled to start picking. Can I join in the fight with you ladies? I'm ready to take this head-on and gain control. It's time I really fight this.
valentine
July 24, 2012

In reply to by AmyJuergens

Amy thanks so much for sharing your story with such detail and honesty. I absolutely agree with you that CSP isn't a mere bad habit. I also utilize some 12 step philosophies in my efforts to keep the picking at bay as I do think some of the principles carry over..particularly the point you make about replacing the old behavior with a newer, healthier one. Anyway, I'm happy to share that it's been 24 hrs pick free for me. I hope you'll update us here as well.
ziggy
July 25, 2012

In reply to by valentine

Hey Valentine, I like your idea of one day. I'm really going to try for 24 hours. Sometimes I tell myself I'll only do one or two, but before I know it my hands have crawled all over my skin. It's the greatest feeling in the moment and the most shameful afterwards. I think taking small steps is a better way to approach it. I really want to beat this.
skreed29
July 23, 2012
feeling optimistic today (: monday is a great day to start over with a clean slate. time to get on with the healing ! (:
skreed29
July 24, 2012
i had a good good monday and am going to have another good day today. i am so excited for my face to heal. there is no thought that crosses my mind that makes me more excited than i am to have nice smooth face skin. even if its scarred a little bit. i want it to look nice with just a little makeup on. and then i will just be like, this radiant glowing goddess, and no pretty girl will ever make me feel self consious or intimidated. jeeez i cant wait (: (: (: (:
valentine
July 25, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Glad to read you! I picked tonight...at several different spots...and so am just hoping tomorrow's easier going. I knew I was really anxious tonight so I have to take that into account and be extra vigilant when getting ready for bed if I want to prevent a lapse into the picking zone.
skreed29
July 25, 2012

In reply to by valentine

anytime you pick, you just have to pick yourself back up. you cant lose the battle as long as you stay positive. if you pick in the mirror, try to keep a distance. dont look too close because then it is likely you will see something that just drives you crazy to not be able to pick will often wind up relapsing. usually if i can make it into the shower with no picking im safe. and on days where i just cant handle it, i exfoliate and its usually very relieving ! i hope you are having a good day today. good luck !
valentine
July 26, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

Thanks Sarah. I did pick again today but very little. I was looking over the thread I started in February and realize that I am picking much less than I used to but it's like the better I get, the less tolerance I have for "slips," you know? Anyway: tomorrow marks 24 days til my boyfriend and I are back in the same place so I'm hoping that 24 will be a magic number for me. I'd love to try and amass all those days before he comes but for now I'm just hoping to get to this time tomorrow. Fingers crossed. And thanks for the encouraging words!
forbetterdays
July 25, 2012

In reply to by skreed29

I'm glad to hear that you are staying optimistic! And I totally agree, I can't wait for the day that I wake up and feel good without having to put on tons of makeup. That kind of thinking is seriously motivating! Have you ever tried having the juice of one lemon into your water? Lemons have tons of vitamin C to help your skin heal, and i personally feel it really really really does WONDERS for my skin. It just makes me feel like my skin is glowing, and it makes my skin silky-smooth! Just remember to drink it with a straw, because lemon juice is so bad for you teeth. Stay positive Sarah! :)

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