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Toofar89 , 14 Apr 2022

Genetic? Talked to neuro scientists

Hi

Everyone in my family picks their skin and scalp with open wounds... Everyone in my family are also extremely successful career wise and with everything else. I wouldnt use the term perfectionist, especially not for myself, but it is like my brain is active in all areas at once constantly. I have never really slept, and I feel trapped in my human body with its limitations because my mind wants to go way further.

It is not exactly ADD/ADHD either... I was actually tested for that and definitely do not have it. I do think that the skin picking and extremely over active brain are related. In my family we drive ourselves into the ground with work and projects surpassing our bodies limits. Personally I work as an artist, writer and philosopher, I stopped reading recycled ideas at nine and quit school at thirteen. I am actually the opposite of a perfectionist, I always live 100% spontaneously, hate systems etc. However I over produce, I am always producing to an extreme degree, just like all my family members.

I have even corresponded with neuro scientists about this. People who meet me believe I am high on all drugs simultaneously, because everything in my brain is turned on at all times. It even warps my perception of time, because my brain gets way too much input and I am actively enganged in too much. I cant tell the difference between two months ago or eight months ago, which is also what happens to people who are literally high.

Now at the age of 32 this is already affecting my health in a major way. Obviously when just talking about the skin picking I have scars all over my arms and back and I have lost a lot of hair follicles (but I had a lot of hair to begin with, which Im thankful for, so I still have hair) Also like I mentioned I dont sleep. My pupils dont contract so I have damaged my eye sight. I have serious heart problems (I am thin and look healthy but I have been on heart medication since I was 18)

In October 2020 I had heart failure and just last month I was the sickest I have been in my life. I truly feel my body cannot sustain the kind of energy that is in my brain.I am not specifically afraid to die, but I have so much that I want to do in this world and I do not want to die. I am too stimulated for my body to work, yet I feel like I am not here enough, I cant quite be here enough for what I want. Does that make sense to anyone? 

I have tried heavily sedative sleep medications in extremely high dosages (five times max limit) zero effect on me. I have tried adrenaline blocking herbs with zero effect. Unfortunately neurologists still know very little about how the brain works. For me, knitting, using a fidget spinner or anything else would be absolutely impossible because I am always working on my projects. When I scratch my scalp till I bleed or my arm etc I am deep in focus working on projects. I do however meditate and pray and this is amazing for me, I use this instead of sleep when I cant sleep, as well as other times for focus. 

I dont know if any of your problems extend to other areas similar to mine. I do not have OCD in any other form. I am actually a very messy person and I do not have systems for anything. I take critique well and do not have a special attachment to any particular project or any particular way of doing it, because I already am doing a thousand more things. I do not spend a lot of time on each project either. I score very low on neuroticism in personality tests, which may sound strange considering my skin picking has always been extremely severe.

Very curious to see if there is anyone who can relate to any of this. Sending you all a lot of love because I know how it feels that its so normal and subconscious for us, until we go to the beach and people drop their mouths open in terror wondering what happened to our skin. I personally am thankful of the reminder though, I just want to find a solution 

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