I definitely do the worst damage to myself at night. It used to be before bed, but now I've been waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes it has to do with drinking too much coffee throughout the day. I fall asleep, but then a few hours later I am wide awake, and then I start to pick. Is this happening to anyone else? How are you dealing with it? Often when I wake up I am consumed with anxiety. Sometimes it is because Im having a nightmare, other times the anxiety seems to just be there for no reason. Anyway, its hard to control this middle-of-the-night picking because when I start to pick Im often half-asleep. Im conscious that I am making the decision to pick (which wasn't always the case), but I don't have as much willpower when Im in that state to stop myself. Ive heard some people say to wear gloves. I find it pretty uncomfortable to wear them every night, especially when its hot out, but maybe I'll try it again. Do people have other ideas?
Anyway today has been rough. Im starting to get heavy anxiety over having to meet up with someone I haven't seen in a long time. My skin is much worse since I last saw this person and because I desperately care about their opinion Ive been obsessing over the reunion. Ive also gained weight so Im worried about that too. I should mention that I, like a lot of people who pick, have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 12 (Im 20 now), and its part of the picking, or linked to it.
Today Im struggling with this sadness over what Ive done to myself. Often Im in denial about the damage I've caused, but right now I cant avoid it. My mind keeps telling myself "but you were so beautiful", "you've ruined your youth", "you will never be as pretty as you could have been had you never started picking". I found photos from a few years ago last night from when I had really good skin;they are now burned into my brain now and are not helping my emotional state.
These are the kind of thoughts that I feel I cannot escape from, and sometimes they make living feel unbearable. I know things will change and that I have the power to choose to have a happy life and not let this thing bring me down/give me an excuse to fail, but today Im just low. I know you all can relate.
I need to write these thoughts and feelings because if I keep them inside I know I will pick more. Im really worried I am going to go after myself tonight. Every night I wonder if I will wind up in the bathroom for hours or if I'll make it through. It sounds strange, but I usually can sense when Im gonna spend the night picking. Tonight feels like one of those nights and Im scared. I need some help to not pick. Hope everyone else is doing okay, and if not know you aren't alone.