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vix , 21 Sep 2010

New and suffering

Hi. I'm new here and i felt so overwhelmed when I found this site. i couldn't believe I wasn't the only person suffering with this. I always felt so alone and now I know there are other suffering too and I feel so bad that anyone else would be going through the hell i am but i find some comfort in knowing that you are all out there surviving as best you can and dealing with this problem we all have. I've been picking for 7 years now and its worse than ever. I always tell myself I will stop but I never do. every day I pick and tell myself it will be the last time and it never is. I can't stop, as much as i desperately want to I can't do it and obviously everybody that cares about me doesn't understand. Thats what kills em the most, is watching the people that love me having to stand by while i destroy not only my face but my life too. they must feel powerless to stop it and it really puts a strain on all my relationships. I have no friends because of it and my boyfriend is really frustrated with me for doing what I do to myself. i wan to stop so badly but i just can't. Its a vicisous cycle too as I feel like I want to stop but I look at my face the mirror and see the scars from the recent attacks and that makes me angry and sad and makes me desperate to pick at myself again because I feel so low and i pick when i'm low. I'd love so much to stop now but as I look at myself I see a huge red hole in my forehead from a recent attack and it's just so fresh and hideous that I have to pick elsewhere. I don't understand why I do what I do. Does anyone know from experience if there is anything I can do to help heal a fresh red scar like hole in my head? I'm trying so hard to leave it alone and I have for a day but I know I'll cave soon and pick it until its raw. and just knowing that makes me feel sick, knowing that I'll definitely make this bleed despite knowing deep down that i should leave well alone. I can;t control my desire to destroy my what used to be a perfectly normal face. Any advice on healing this up before I pick it open again would be greatly appreciated. I hope at least some of us on here find peace with this condition. I think may never recover.
4 Answers
September 21, 2010
Hang in there.... I seriously am going through the same exact thing as you. It is a horrible feeling. Inside you are screaming at yourself to stop but your hands wont. I personally feel like my problem has spiraled out of control. It is effecting my relationship really bad. We constantly get into fights about it.. After I get yelled at to stop. I will stop for maybe a minute and then I end up going right back to it. I picked myself raw as well. Then I end up attacking my chest and my arms. I wear tons of makeup when I go out trying to hide it but recently it is getting more noticeable even with the makeup on. Someone suggested to put on a clay mask. I tried that but it only lasts for so long. Ten minutes or so after the mask was off I went picking again. When I am home I put bandages all over my finger tips. That helped for a bit. But right before bed when I took them off I attacked my face pretty bad. I almost feel like I need to put bandages on my fingers at all times. Try not to doubt yourself with recovery. I know with a proper therapist Im sure it will get better. I am seeking to get a therapist as well to help me with this certain issue.
September 21, 2010

In reply to by DMT7181

Thanks for your words. They help. I am so sad that you and other people are suffering with this just as i am. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am trying to be strong and get on with life but it is affecting everything I hold dear, my career, my relationship with my partner and my parents. They shout at me about it too. My boyfriend doesn't understand it and I don't expect him to but sometimes what he says is soul destroying. Its as if he thinks I want to be this way when all I want in the whole owrld is to be normal and not do this to myself. He thinks if he tells me I am ruining my looks and to stop it that I can. But it is out of my control and he could never understand that. Good luck with seeking out a therapist to help you through this. I don;t think I am able to see anyone about my problem, I am so ashamed of it I would die if I had to talk about it to anyone besides here on this board. I think here will have to be my therapy for now.
September 22, 2010

In reply to by vix

I too have been suffering with this problem since I was 16, which was eight years ago. I could have written your first post myself- it sounded exactly like how I feel about it. As far as your boyfriend- not everyone understands. My mom and my husband basically treated me the same way when I told them. I recently opened up to my sister about it, though, and she has been really understanding and supportive. Not only that, but having her with me to help me limit my picking has been really helpful, so if you know anyone you think would understand, I would highly recommend talking to them about it. I believe that a lot of the reason we do this is psychological- I had a really crazy childhood and I am sure that is the root of my OCD issue. However, I have also noticed that caffeine makes me a lot worse, so I try to limit is and it seems to keep me from getting as anxious. Best of luck to you! I recently started a support group at, and I could really use some members if you're interested.
September 22, 2010
Hi vix, I so understand what you're going through. I'm in a quite similar situation. I've been picking real bad for about 4-5 years. I nearly messed up my graduation from university. It was my final year when I started skipping exams 'cause I knew I'd have to explain my class mates why I looked like hell and I just didn't know what to say... Anyway, I'm gonna be 30 soon and I still live in my parents' place. They fully support me finacially and pay for my treatment, because I'm not really capable of getting and keeping a job for now. They of course don't ever miss a chance to remind me how useless and ugly I am. It's probably just their way of making me stop, but this only makes me feel worse and naturally to pick even more!! They just don't get it... maybe not even trying to. However I'm so done feeling guilty about the whole thing. It's not like any of us chose it, right? It's a disorder/illness call it whatever. The thing is we simply cannot control it. My advice would be - don't ever lose hope and stop looking for any possible help you can get. We are all different and we are where we are right now for many differernt reasons, such as messed up childhood, all sorts of psychological traumas etc. etc. My opinion is that you can't sucessfully fight the habit if you don't fight the cause. I know it's a horribly hard step to make, but I believe that proffesional assistance is necessary. Therapy usually helps, but keep in mind that it's a long process so you shouldn't expect quick results. You may also have to try a few therapists to find the one that you would make a connection with and feel comfortable talking to. I personally tried many before I found the one I wasn't disappointed with. Therapy in combination with meds could be even more effective... I was also embarrased to go see doctors and talk about all the horrible things I'd done to myself. To be honest I did it only 'cause my parents made me, but now I don't regret it at all. I've been in a therapy for 2 years now and I do see some improvement. I started to feel better and as a result I scratch less. Well... of course I'm no expert in this field to tell you what to do. And I would personally hate if someone else told me what to do. (I mean... what do they know, right?) But try to think of it this way - if you could cope with this problem yourself, wouldn't have you done it already? I needed lots of time myself to finally decide to make this step and to admit that no way I'm gonna win this fight alone. Maybe you still need time too, but I hope that my experience will encourage you. Posting in this forum is a brave step too. And you've done it... so congrats! :) By the way, I read that there were people who completely recovered from this particular disorder. If they did, I believe we can do it too, so don't give up :)

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