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ataraxia , 26 Sep 2010


it´s a kind of funny. i mean i already knew, that something is wrong with me, but didn´t realize that i´m mentally ill (again...) ... and didn´t realize that i suffer another disease which can be named, has symptoms, occurs in so many different ways etc. i opened a new topic because i haven´t read here about other mental problems. like i said, i didn´t realize it at first, but at this point it becomes clear, that i have the same problems than i had years ago, but that they show up in another way... 7, maybe 8 years ago i started to vomit, at least once sometimes three times a day. after some weeks i had to realize: hey, you got yourself bulimia! this whole stuff went on and on for 3 years, then i got to know my boyfriend, who had the same problem and suddenly both of us stopped our habits. i mean: you don´t want to live together, eating and eating and afterwords spending hours near the toilette. so we changed our lives: started to eat healthy, cook together every day, doing sport and together it wasn´t that difficult. that was 5 years ago, we´re still happy together and in fact everything is going quite well. that i pick my skin is a topic since my teenage years. i looked always a little more damaged than the others, but we had all the same problem: a dirty skin. time went by and now i´m in my mid twenties and in my case nothing has changed, it has even become worse, because i do not just pick and scratch what is already there: i do myself harm and i cause wounds, bloody and keep them open for a long long time, until there is a scarf. i realized that it´s getting worse also because i pick now not only in my face: also on my legs, my hands and where something is to find... by the way i work on my nails since i have teeth i think and also this habit has become worse. it´s not enough to keep them short, now i also pick and bite the skin around my nails - and i never did that before.. so i´m acting like a "real" skin picker, and your stories sound very familiar to me... what i wanted to ask you now is, if anybody had also another problem (like in my case bulimia) before he/she startes skin picking. it´s obvious that there is a mental problem, but i already tried therapy and after stoping bulimia worked so well without professional help, it wasn´t a topic for me for a ling time... the question is: if i can stop picking: what´s coming next? and what is it, that want out so strongly? what does my mind want to tell me ... sorry for my bad english - hopefully it lasts to understand what i try to talk about ;)
1 Answer
September 27, 2010
Hey welcome. I could understand your post just fine, dont worry. I wrote a bit of my story out to someone the other day via-email the other day. I thought I would re-send part of it to you bc it has to do with eating disorders. I suffer from one too. Its a lot better and doesn't rule my life by any means, but I have to keep it in check. Anyway here you are: I started picking in 7th grade. I was 13 I think. It was a combo of a bunch of things. A crazy home life and self esteem issues. I developed an eating disorder that year as a means to control my life somehow. Everything else was so hectic and I internalized the dysfunction of my family, thinking there was something wrong with me. I had this gross feeling inside me and I didn't know how to get rid of it. I tried starving it out at first. Things got worse when a girl in my ballet class made fun of my blackheads one day. She said something like "eww why dont you do something about that?" I was such a sensitive kid it hit me really hard. I desperately wanted acceptance at the time because I needed security and she just ripped me apart. I went home and told my mom about it. She gave me awful advice to squeeze them out bc "everyone does it". I remember the first time I did it was the BIGGEST relief. I wouldn't say rush bc I wasn't doing it enough at that point to get the pain endorphin rush yet (that came later). Anyway it was like self-performed plastic surgery. A part of myself that I hated so much and couldn't escape was suddenly "fixable". I was hooked. I also had OCD by that point. I think that started when I was 12. I would organize my room and try and make it perfect, same with school. Anyway it all tied together in the worst way and spiraled out from there. I fell into the pick, self-hatred, pick more cycle. I kept doing more and more damage. I was able to hide it well for years. Then when I was 19(im 20 now) I got a horrible infection. It was a combo of living this crazy hectic lifestyle(with a crazy boyfriend), wearing makeup 24/7 to hide from him, and getting really sick that just bugged my skin out. I couldn't hide the damage. My face swelled up and developed these huge cysts that wouldn't go away. I finally had to face how serious this disease is then. I had been using the forum for a year, but still having episodes. Anyway I've cut wayyy down in the past year and made a LOT of progress. I think its mainly due to expanding my support network

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