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Charize , 24 Nov 2010

My story. Maybe you can relate. Maybe not...

I found this site last night when I finally decided to see if there was any kind of info pertaining to this disgusting habit of mine and to see if it is in fact some kind of disorder. I was pleasantly surprised to see I'm not the only one. I really don't think anyone should want to read this, but I feel I should share my story so that someone else like myself might see it and not feel so alone. Plus I really just want to talk about it for once! I NEVER speak of this with anyone and it'd be nice to kind of get it off my chest and actually put this into words. I'm 23 yrs old and have been feasting on my flesh for my entire life. For the most part, I'm an average girl. Nobody around me would ever suspect I do the things I do. They see me as an attractive, normal, put-together girl with lots of friends, a job, nice apt, a bf... but when I'm alone, all I do is feast. If I don't already have scabs everywhere (like I do right now from some kind of bug attack, that I don't even mind.), then I search. Search for any kind of bump or flake of skin. If I don't have anything, then I feast on the skin around my finger nails, which most people close to me have seen me doing at one time or another. I eat my skin, scabs, eye crusties, nose crusties (not "boogers", just the really crusty hard ones), zit scabs and the stuff inside them (when I have them)... I crave for scabs and skin. It's an obsession. I pick the scabs, eat them, then wait for them to form back over so I can pick them again. I had surgery on my ankle, and the surgery scab lasted for almost a year. For the most part, I have very nice skin. No acne. and I honestly think this picking is some form of perfectionism. I can't stand having imperfections on me. I shave every single day, sometimes twice a day. pluck my eyebrows till they are perfect. pluck any kind of hair I find on my body that doesn't belong. I'm obsessed with my body being absolutely clean, hair perfect, nails perfect, make-up perfect. at all times. and scabs and dry skin is a form of imperfection for me, and I'm obsessed with removing it. and consuming it. Like I said, I've never really had acne, but when I was in highschool, my skin dried out real bad, and I picked at the dry skin until I had wounds. Big giant "craters" as my dad would like to call them. These wounds got worse and worse until my face was covered in big giant wounds/scabs that I would try my best to hide with make-up which then made me resemble the black guy from star trek with the messed up forehead. I felt as if everyone could see these giant wounds on my face and I felt like a monster. Every morning I'd dedicate an hour to picking at my face till each wound was raw. then I'd cover them with make-up. Miraculously, after about a year or two of this, hiding from the world, not letting ANYONE see me without makeup not even my bfs, it cleared up. not one scar. I started playing a lot of video games, keeping my hands busy. I started dating a lot and had less alone time to mess with my face. I found better make-up which helped, and slept with neosporin and bandaides on my face. I even started modeling which really encouraged me to leave it alone. Now my skin is good. I get compliments daily on my skin, which I find hilarious because they have NO idea, and they have no idea what's hidden beneath my clothes. But I smile and thank them anyways. I hate what I do to my body, and I wish I could make it stop. Loved ones tell me to "just stop picking" but it really isn't that easy. It's like an addiction, and when I'm forced to not do it, I crave it. I can't wait to get off work so I can peel these imperfections off my body. The WORST is when I get tattoos. The dry skin that forms over tattoos is like sex that you haven't had in years, and you're desperate for, but you can only just sit and stare at it. It drives me MAD. But I love it. I notice lots of people on here have disorders, OCD, depression, childhood abuse. I've had a pretty decent life. My childhood was very rough because of my mentally disabled sibling, but other than that, things were fine. I do have depression and can't deal with stress. I'm prescribed to Prozac and Adderall (which I've been on since 7th grade) The adderall might have a lot to do with my early highschool trauma. I became somewhat anorexic because of it, and the face picking and eating was probably worse because of that. I was also very stressed because of a new school and being the new girl, people would pick on me, throw things at me, call me pale and a slut. Which stressed me out more, which made it worse. The picking is worse and more obsessive when I'm stressed, which the prozac now helps with. When I was younger, if I was intensely distraught/angry/depressed, I would "self mutilate" myself. scratching at my skin with anything, scissors, my nails, a piece of metal till I had big deep scratch marks... Or I'd pick at scabs till they bled. It made me feel better and kept my mind off the stress. Which is just so ridiculous and emo sounding, but it made me feel better and in control. when in reality... I had NO control. obviously. Now days I only pick at the scabs I get or eat the skin around my nails. I try my best to leave them alone, but sometimes I crumble and the scabs last for weeks to months. It's embarrassing. I hate myself for it. But oh well. My bf still loves me. Also... this is very weird, but he has psoriasis and I love it. I pick at his skin for him. I do Not eat his skin... lol. but I do enjoy picking it. Which he doesn't seem to mind a whole lot. He thinks I'm weird, but still loves me no matter what. I must say, I feel better now that I'm sharing this insane secret with... the world. as embarrassing as it is. It's nice that I'm not alone. :) the best advice I have is... keep yourself busy. Play video games. Luckily I personally don't scar much from my picking, but tell yourself that you're ruining your beautiful skin and it deserves better. take pictures of what you're doing to show yourself. Find other things other than your body to pick at. What? I don't know, but find something. Use your hands to make yourself look better or groom yourself instead of picking. Discover new ways to do your hair or make-up. Paint. Finger paint. If you don't have pets, get them and pet them when you feel the urge to pick. put neosporin on all your scabs and let them heal. If you have no scabs, then there's nothing to pick. :) Groom your loved ones. :) If you know of more ways to help, feel free to share because I'd love to learn new techniques.
1 Answer
November 27, 2010
i agree with the grooming advice. I use to pick my fingers to the point where I had to put bandaids on every single one (with neosporn) to find any kind of relief from the pain. Then I started doing home manicures, and now I'm obsessed with my fingers in a good way.... It drives my family crazy, my mom cant stand all the filing, but I tell her she should be happy Im not picking , and she is. It amazing how much you have to do to have "perfect" hands. I have my little manicure set that I carry with me most places, and when I'm in a situation that I know will probably lead to picking, I pul it out and start grooming my nails. I think it even helps my to not pick in other places because it keeps my hands busy. But I still have problems, of course, just not with my fingers.

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