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I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this post, but I'm hoping I'll feel better after I have. I guess sitting here in front of a laptop is so much easier than the horror of facing someone face to face and discussing this topic. I don't feel like I can talk to my family, and I feel that friends would only judge and worry about me. Everyone's always seen me as this strong individual, but really I'm just a scared little boy waiting to live his life. I'm 27 years old, and today, I called in sick to work. It wouldn't be the first time but I've finally had enough. I'm worried about losing my job, and I'm worried that my life is never going to change. The truth is that I'm not sick at all, its just the thought of seeing someone, or someone seeing me, puts knots in my stomach. I woke up this morning, walked into the bathroom, and put my face right up to the mirror. I don't know when or why this started, but its become a ritual that I perform every day. Looking for any imperfection, looking for anything that I can control. In my head I know there's nothing I can do, but I cant control the urge to touch, pick, squeeze..........................anything. Before I know it, I've been there for an hour, and I have to leave for work. With no time left to make my lunch, I put my jacket and shoes on to leave. Before I open the door I tell myself I have to look in the mirror one last time. I take one last look and the dread and horror sweep over me. I feel disgust at what I see, embarrassment, and shame. The thought of someone seeing me for who I really am makes me sick. I know I have to leave for work but I cant even muster the courage to leave the house...............so I call in sick. I just couldn't stomach the idea of someone seeing how ugly I was. I've finally got to the point where I've had enough, I cant continue like this. I called my Dr and said it was urgent that I see him. The truth is that I was prescribed an anti-depressant a few months ago, effexor, I believe its called. I told him that I'm extremely depressed and that its important I see him. Luckily enough they squeezed me in, probably because of the tone of my voice when I phoned. I explained the whole situation, although it was extremely hard, and he recommended an increase in my dose. He also made a referral to a counselor, so that I can talk to someone and work on these issues. I guess right now I'm willing to give anything a shot. I'm just feeling quite alone, and its hard/impossible to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how to change this habit, or how to change the way I feel about myself. Its been this way for as long as I can remember. Its affected my relationships, my social life, and obviously my working life. Deep down I'm such an outgoing person but my body just wont let me be free. I feel like I've lost control over my life and that I'm a prisoner in my own body. Anyways I just wanted to share my story in a safe environment. And I do feel a little better : )
December 16, 2010
It definitely is much easier to talk about this type of thing while sitting behind a laptop! I am also a skin picker, which is one of my obsessions/compulsions associated with OCD. Skin picking is actually pretty common and is one of the most common things done by those with OCD. You should definitely check into seeing a counselor or licensed social worker. I am somewhat biased as I am completing my master of social work now and I see a licensed clinical social worker once a week. I have been taking Luvox for about 3 years, which helps greatly to curb my compulsions and obsessive thoughts. These usually become worse in highly stressful times though. Is the doctor prescribing your anti-depressants a Psychiatrist? Too many general practitioners are prescribing psychotropic drugs without a full understanding of mental illnesses, anti-depressants aren't a one trick pony, different people have different symptoms. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot and you should take the time to seek out a professional, whether it be a counselor, psychiatrist, or both! This is affecting so many facets of your life, don't put it off! Good luck.
December 28, 2010
I understand. The frustration inside, everytime we have to cancel or postpone something due to what state face is in. I know, its soul destroying. We must break cycle. X