The end is near??!!

I have just got my laptop up and running and have wanted to join this site for ages. I am a 39 year old mum of 1 beautiful(but nearly damaged) boy - he asks me why I spend so long in the bathroom and hides my creams to stop me from doing my rituals. He is the best thing I have ever done and is my world but I want to beat this to be the best mum possible. I have been sufferring since I was 17 - misdiagnosed as SAD, reactive depression, post-natal depression, you name it. I have been an in-patient, had 8 or so different kinds of anti-depressants - Chlomipramine seemed to help nnow on Fluoxetine 80 mg and Diazepwm. I would just like to live each day rather than 'survive' - I am sure you know what I mean. If it wasn't for Lewis I think I would have committed suicide - even sometimes Ithink he would be best without my negative influence. Am seeing a Professor and a CBT specialist every month and can limit night-time rituals to just 10 minutes at time yet anxious and havr to force myself to stay out of the bathroom. I feel about 100 years old and yet I don't feel like I've 'lived' enough to be 39. Is there hope? I feel like I am nearly there but am sooo scared in case it doesn't work. Love all you guys who feel the same - I just wish I was inisblend people could only judge me by my personality. My son is my life - please help me stop!!! xxx