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On top of it all....people see me pick and bleed...and eat it.
oh god, i feel horrible even admiting to it. I can't talk to anyone about it...well, I can, my mom picks...but she doesn't eat it! And my uhm, mucus too. Scabs. dead skin, anything....most things, well, not fingernails, they tend to get stuck between my teeth, and I hate having ragged fingernails, they get caught in my hair (I'm female, my hair is long) when I pick at my scalp, which is my preferred place to pick since you can't really see it. It's revolting, taboo, antisocial, etc, etc etc, yet it's acutally my smallest problem. Other than being somewhat overweight...but I'm a teen, and I'm very active. My BMI is like.well, according to the online one it's about 29....which is almost obesity. Yeah, if you haven't guessed yet with my eccentricity, also have OCD. So there ya have it, not only do I have unusual habits, I have unusual thought patterns in which my mind basically practices psychological torture. SSRI has reduced bad thoughts by about 80% but they're still there. Did I mention? I also have a physical disbility, a movement disorder, Tourette Syndrome, which, yes i my case does include shouting profanities and repeating other's words, fully body jerking like a severe seizure, etc etc etc, and the movements are 24/7. I might go thirty seconds at a time with less than two twitches. But that's only at minimum. Usually I'm twisting, humming, nodding and having facial movements. Basically, this stuff has taken over my life. I do hypnosis (well, if I remember too, I'm very disorganized, mentally and hoarding-sh type tendencies) take an SSRI at maximum safe dosage for my body type, and see two psychologists each once a week...so yeah, and I get regular exercise in the form of three swimteam practices a week. Boy, those are killer workouts! Anyways, my point is, we're doing everything possible to control it.....all of it. Medications haven't helped the skin picking or the Tourette's, which my Tourette, being disabling, is highly stressful, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't help my psychological conditions. I've kind of gotten past the whole "I'm weird" thing, what with shouting and barking and falling over jerking at random times and having to go to school and still go places....embarassment is a thing of the past. But....I don't like skin picking. I mean, I do in a way, but it's an obsessive, uncontrollable liking, not a pleasing kind, it's only "Likeabe" because it relieves stress. But it leaves gigantic red places where I've scratched and squeezed the miniscule acne on my face. The acne's tiny. The red splotches are enormous where I irritate the skin picking. I've only told...let's see, three or four people about this at all. It seems to run in my family; my aunt has loooked like she has measles for about two years now....she also believes worms live in her skin, despite the doctors reassurance that they do not....won't get into all of that, but one of my other aunts has Trich. Basically, it runs in the family as does OCD, Bipolar, substance dependence, ADHD, learning disabilities, and I was the lucky one to get a disabling movement disorder that doesn't improve with any treatment we've tried....other than hypnosis for stress relief, but relieving stress helps EVERYTHING from heart disease to depression....so I don't think that counts...not as a way to control it. Because at hs pointI am not controlling my life. My body is entirely controlling me. I've changed so much as a person after becoming disabled and having severe OCD and depression and PTSD and such...I'm a cynic, I'm jaded, etc etc etc.....(insert sarcastic tone) but uh, the thing is, all of that is uttery true, but I can only think of it and talk about it in a sort of sarcastic and sensational manner...if I just state the facts, it cuts too deep. I know, PTSD thing, dissociation, etc etc. Yeah, I'm also a psychology and neurology buff...well, more obsessed, honnestly. I don't know anyone else who's sixteen and spends the night until two in the morning on weekends raptly reading the journal of neurosurgery online, like I did last saturday night. And must abstain from if I want to keep from being chornically sleep deprived....I already have insomnia, and late-night reading doesn't help when I stay up late already before trying to get to sleep. I guess I think I will find a new treatment for TS that doesn't cause dystonia or psychosis so that I can actualy try it, and one that doesn't involve brain surgery, which is the only thing we haven't tried...other than giving up and sending me to live in a mental hospital because I am an utterly hopeless case and take up too much of my family's time....like my mom having to get the wheelchair from the car today when I was having movements so badly I couldn't walk to get to the bench after barely managing to get out of the pool at practice. The coach ahd to help me to the bench, that's how bad it was. And I don't accept help unless I really need it. Really really need it. But the bad thing is, I do need it.
February 18, 2011
I can't imagine what you have to go through. I realize I have it so much easier than you and I'm sad that you have to deal with so much. Everyone is here for you and on your side!!
February 18, 2011
Ugh. Eating scabs seems so disgusting to me, yet I can totally relate because while I don't do that, I tremble from joy after picking them, ripping them, and staring in awe at how big and thick they are. I collect them, but looking at my piles of scabs completely and utterly disgusts me. Ones that are old, that I don't remember what sore they came from are ones I feel no attachment to, and they make me feel like such a bleeping sicko :(