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heavymetalfan , 18 Feb 2011

Life outside of picking.

Picking ought not define us- that said, what are facets of your personality that you are proud of? What gets you up out of bed every day? What interests do you have? Personally, I love music, especially metal and dubstep, and I love writing music. I enjoy spending time with my cats, reading books about the Arctic and Scandinavia. I want to learn Finnish or Icelandic, and I am proud of myself for graduating college (I received my BSc in Geography last January). I hope to get to know you better, and hope you all realize you are better than this condition!!!
12 Answers
February 18, 2011
picking has pretty much defined my life . i'm probably going to flunk out of college in my junior year because of it too. i'm a good student and i love school. too bad some of the marks on my face are so embarassing i'd rather not even be in public.. ANYWHERE. i don't want to go to the grocery store, i don't want to go to the doctor (i have an appointment today, but i'm likely to cancel), i don't go to school, i never visit any friends. i'm trapped. waiting for this one spot to go away. it's taking forever. i feel like i've thrown all of my achievements down the drain. i worked so hard for nothing and wasted an ass of money on college and student loans. i'm in my junior year.... so close. too bad it won't mean sht if i get kicked out. :( fuck. on top of that, i am a pretty attractive girl... i feel like being "pretty" (not trying to sound conceited) draws more attention to me and makes people more likely to try to SEARCH for flaws to make themselves feel better and make me feel like shit. it has always been this way. does that make sense? i used to be so outgoing, happy, and friendly.. like a big fucking ray of sunshine. now it just seems like a rain cloud follows me everywhere i go... everywhere meaning my apartment room. i just wish there was something i could do to make my skin heal quicker.. this one spot has me absolutely ruined. it draws so much attention. i want to be in school, i want to be with my friends, i want to be able to go to the grocery store, the doctor, etc... but i'm not that strong.. just not that strong. this is not who i am and it makes me so sad . there is free counselling at school with psychologist, i have definitely considered... but referring back to my earlier statements, i don't want to be seen like this. i feel like i'm trying to scream, but nothing comes out. it's taking too long to get better and i'm running out of time too fast.......... kids, if you are young... please stop now. you don't want to be like me. love life, love yourself.. at 21 years old i should be having the time of my life, instead i'm trapped inside my apartment room dreaming of a day when i can finally face the day; in the process, i am destroying my life and myself. please stop now while you are young, i don't wish my fate upon any living soul.. because i know how much it hurts. please take this advice :( i never thought i was beautiful when i was young and i never realized how beautiful i (could be) am until now.. when it's too late. how could i be so stupid? to hate myself for so long? i have ruined my beautiful face with scars. such a pure drag to know that you could be so pretty if only you didn't destroy your face with your very own hands.. that isn't the only thing that has been destroyed either... academics, friendships, relationships, everyday activities, just about everything outside of this apartment. i can only hope and pray so much. like i said, if you are young please stop now. i don't want anyone else in the world to feel the way that i do right now. (psychology major by the way.. yeah i know. crazy, right?) i've always had a deep passion for psychology, philosophy, and music. i'm a big fan of indie rock, metal, rock, pop punk, jazz, electro, folk, you name it... at least i have music and poetry when i lock myself away. it gives me hope that if i fuck up, i can hopefully pick myself back up and become stronger than ever. cheers everyone, and i wish you all the best in life. check out this song... i love it. ( ) crying, crying, crying ohh...
February 23, 2011

In reply to by nomore

Hi! I know how you feel - I know how much it hurts. It is the most embarrassing thing in the world to have to go out with huge scabs on your face that even makeup won't cover up. What I hate most though is the lying - having to lie about what I've been doing or why my skin is so bad. Some days it does feel like it would be better just to stay inside and never come out again. But the thing is it really isn't! I don't know about you but being on my own is just about the worst thing I can do on a bad day because then I just pick even more! I have two suggestions for you which are really tough but they helped me so much I want to share them. The first is about going to free counselling - we have a nurse who I had to see first who then referred me to to the counselling service and going to see her was the hardest thing. I didn't even say anything before I burst into tears, but she was very kind to me and although I don't think she fully understood I didn't feel judged and actually it sounded like she sees much weirder/scarier things all the time! She equated my skin picking to 'self-harm' which isn't exactly accurate but she was very supportive all the same. Then I went to the counselor who said she had actually seen other people with my same problem and understood much better what I was going through. I stopped going over the sumer and then never got back in touch because the problem with me is I'm an eternal optiist - I always think I can stop picking on my own but it never happens! So I am back in touch with them again because ppicking is still so so bad and I'll have another session with a counselor soon. The second suggestion is this - tell someone about your picking! Does anybody know about it? I never told anyone til last year and the people I told were so ok with it. Not much help, but it felt good not to pretend anymore! Then over the weekend I told my sister, who I thknk was the most important person to tell. She wasn't surprised at all - let's be honest, no matter how hard we try this isn't always an easy problem to hide! She was so glad I'd told her and she helped me loads over the weekend when we were together by stopping my hand every time I went to pick. Of course I ruined all the healing my skin did as soon as I got back to university by picking for until 4 am, but still my skin looks better than it would have done after a solid week of picking! I am planning on telling my two best friends at uni about this but I am really scared. I want to explain to them about it because they suffer from my skin picking too - I expect so much from them when I am feeling depressed after I've picked or when I cancel our plans because I don't want to go out! I' not sure when I'll tell them but I really want to encourage people not to suffer alone - it's so great to have found this forum and I love not feeling like I am alone but sometimes I need a hug from someone who knows me really well - and that means knowing about my picking! Hope that is helpful? Fell free to disregard everything I have said - it helped me but everyone is different. Try to stay positive and don't give up! What you said about failing school applies to me too by the way - I have had so much trouble because of picking eg the other day I missed an exam because I picked all day before. I'm supposed to write something positive about myself on this thread so - I am clever and creative. On good days I am a fun person to be around and I know how to cheer people up when they're down usually, though I'm not much help when I'm feeling down myself. I like painting and one day I want to write and illustrate my own children's book :) Keep going everyone, don't let your picking define you IT IS NOT YOUR IDENTITY. Even when it feels like it defines you, this is not who you are.
February 25, 2011

In reply to by nomore

I relate to everythingggg, legit, I'd be pretty if it weren't for this problem. I was really popular in high school, but since coming to college I haven't been able to make as many relationships because of this insecurity. I didn't go to any classes today, lied to my teachers, roommate, etc. It needs to end as I have been saying to myself for years now, which scares me because I have never been able to stop. But I just started using this website and I will do whatever it takes and so should you because I don't want to fail school after coming so far to get here and I want a normal job, marriage, have this not effect my kids. I mean the stuff I have read on here about people in their middle ages still dealing with it. The time is now for both of us. Best of luck.
February 25, 2011

In reply to by nomore

same same same. i'm in my first year of law school right now. it practically took an act of god to get me to quit my secure banking job, rack up a gajillion dollars in debt, and pursue a dream. makes me even more depressed to know that i'm ruining things with my picking. not only is my face messed up. but my legs are a MESS. and i spend at least 1-3 hours a day picking and fidgeting. it makes me sick to know i could be spending all that time productively studying and working on my schoolwork. the entire time i'm picking, yes, i'm in a trance, but i also feel like i'm screaming at myself to stop and i just can't. it's like i'm watching myself doing it. and i'm screaming "stooooop. you have to study! you're better than this. this is a complete waste of time!" and yet, i watch myself continue. when i finally rip myself away and leave the bathroom or wherever, it feels like i haven't taken a breath the entire time. like i haven't been breathing for an hour. i feel like if anyone at school knew i had this problem, they would be horrified. and also feel superior b/c it shows that i'm weak (we're aspiring lawyers after all). anyways, keep trying, you can definitely finish school!!!! take summer school if you have to, you can do it!
February 18, 2011
I like dubstep too heavymetalfan. Well done for graduation! Thanks for post-it is true. nomore- I rele relate "i am a pretty attractive girl... i feel like being "pretty" (not trying to sound conceited) draws more attention to me and makes people more likely to try to SEARCH for flaws to make themselves feel better and make me feel like shit" I know exactly what you mean from start to finish. Im trying to let these marks /scars fade which i have kept going over because seeing them in the mirror makes you feel more ugly and perhaps more likely to pick. x
February 20, 2011
I am 15. I get good grades. I am very athletic and good at sports. I have been told that i am a beautiful dancer. I am attractive. I have good friends and a good family but my arms and legs are covered in scars and open wounds. I wish this compulsion didn't dictate my life but somehow it always seems to do just that.
February 25, 2011
I'm 16. I love music...I've played the piano for 10 years and the guitar for 2 years. I also play bass, harmonica, mandolin, and vibraphone. I write music often, and I'm in a band with two friends. We like to switch instruments and experiment with our songs. I have a 4.0 and am in 4 AP classes; I want to pursue microbiology, environmental science, or medicine. I am trying to get an internship for science research this summer. I do community service. I wander the streets of the city I live in with my friends too much, and we have been labeled as "the unsupervised youth" of our town. No one knows I pick; I tell anyone who asks about the scabs on my arms that I have a strange skin condition.
February 27, 2011
I am proud of my job-- I'm an English teacher to 150 ninth graders. surprisingly, this is the least of my worries. I love what I do. I'm also getting married this summer to my wonderful fiance. I've decided to really crack down and work on this so hopefully I can be scab/pick free by our wedding---that's the only thing I really really want.

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