I had a nasty fall the other day and ended up with bad bruising and a huge graze on my knee. A couple of days later, once the graze had started healing I began picking at the whole thing which was very painful and was making it bleed. But I didn’t stop. Despite knowing that it would end up scaring, that what I was doing was wrong, and that its just a gross thing to do yourself, I carried on. And my knee is now a lot more painful than it was to begin with.
I’ve always picked at scabs since I was young, and I was always told off for doing it. So I’d find someplace in secret to do it instead. I’m 23 now and still doing it.
A lot of the time I don’t think I’m doing it…chewing the sides of my finger nails, biting my lips with my teeth, and then when I can get away with it, I pick scabs. Sat in front of the TV, the odd scratch of my leg in the office. I have scars all other my legs, and just off the top of my head I can think of at least 5 scabs that I have at the moment.
Today was the first time I’ve ever browsed the internet about it, and was amazed by what I found. There are other people! And what’s more, its actually got a name!
I want help, but I don’t know where to start, as I think my GP is just going to laugh. The thing is, whenever I go to the doctor about something, by the time I get there, I feel fine about everything, and so I don’t get my point across very well.
I get angry, I throw things, and start punching and slapping walls. I shout, I scream. And then I’ll just shut down in a heap. I get emotional and cry, and just feel generally ‘sad’. And then there’s the days where getting out of bed just seems like one huge waste of time. Less so now, but I have had problems with panic attacks too.
I don’t know if these things all relate to each other, and are a circle of events.
But the trouble is, I’m really happy a lot of the time too. But I flip between the two. And people such as my work colleagues and most of my friends think I’m a very calm quiet wouldn’t hurt a fly type of person. So no one will understand. Or just say that I’m ‘emotional’ or ‘over sensitive’.
I’m happy with my life. I’m engaged to a great guy who is my best friend. We’re getting married next year. My job is good, although we have a couple of financial problems, but these are on the mend. I’m very fortunate, my life isn’t falling down right in front of my eyes, but something just isn’t right.
I had a termination last year which I struggled to deal with, as the most important thing to me is to be a mum, but it was very bad time. I think there may be a connection, but a this was all going on well before then tho.
Sorry for my ramble. I’ve used this forum as if it were a diary, sorry! If anyone has any suggestions of where to go with this, they would be very much appreciated!