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htmk , 15 Apr 2011

failed my challenge

So I triggered the spam filter in my 30 day challenge thread by not entering the captcha right so now it's not letting me post anything and locked me out of my own freaking thread but this was probably the most important entry because after 19 days I caved and picked at my face in the mirror. I told myself I was just going to check on the big pimple on my chin to see how bad it looked and then i just went to town on my face. While I was doing it it felt great like i was releasing all the pent up stress from the last few weeks and I was barely able to eventually stop myself but the second i stepped away from the mirror I felt absolutely terrible and just wanted to cry. I don't know what to do now I feel that I've really failed. I guess I'll still chronicle the full 30 days because i feel like if i stop now it'll be worse and i'll just go straight back to picking all the time. God I freaking hate myself, I feel so weak
8 Answers
April 15, 2011
nooooo, don't hate yourself! 19 days is a great accomplishment! I really really know the feeling, but try to let it go. It is not your fault. you are fighting against something really powerful, and you have done so well!!! you are not weak, you are very strong. feel sorry for yourself for the emotional pain you are feeling right now, because you don't deserve it, and then do whatever comforts you, (i know i would eat cake if it were me). tomorrow is a new day! just keep reminding yourself that looking in the mirror is maybe too big a challenge at this point. I know I fail every time I let my guard down a little, too, and it has made me feel horrible a million times. remember it wasn't you doing it, it was the disease. keep fighting it tomorrow again. i believe in you.
April 27, 2011

In reply to by garfield

This is my first post here. It's really the second day I am facing that this is a real disorder, and even attempting to read about it or do anything about it beyond trying hard to stop with my own willpower and failing. That said, I really want to say: 19 days is amazing. I have not been able to go more than three days, ever, since I started at around age 14-15. I am now 30. My wedding is coming up on August 13 and I thought for sure I could stop for the wedding. I am desperate to stop but cannot. Not even for what I am excited will be a wonderful, incredible day to remember always. 19 days is AMAZING!!! If only I could do that.
April 27, 2011

In reply to by littlelou

Your post went straight to my heart... I began to pick at my skin when I was 15 and I'm now almost 31, but just like you I never managed to stop for more than 3 days. :/ I really don't know what to do, but even if I fail all the time I'll never stop trying. Since 20 or 30 days would be really impossible for me I'm trying a 10 days challenge right now. Day 1 today. Please, don't stop trying, you will manage eventually!
April 27, 2011

In reply to by Yuuki

I know it's really hard but you guys can to it too! Before I had my 19 day run I had never gone more than 3 days without picking my pimples, you just have to be very diligent and strict with yourself. For me it helped to not allow myself to look into a mirror at all so i wouldn't give myself the opportunity to give into temptation. Another thing that really helped motivate me was taking a picture of myself everyday which serves as a reminder of how good my face looks without all my acne and scabs, it also reminds me that I can do this and that if I stop picking it will go away. It may take several tries but you'll get there eventually just never give up!
April 27, 2011

In reply to by littlelou

Welcome littlelou! Your post REALLY spoke to me b/c I myself am getting married on August 10th. Before I even realized this was a disorder, I KNEW I wanted to stop picking at my face b/c, like every bride-to-be, I want to look and feel beautiful on my wedding day. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough for me to stop my compulsive skin picking. About a month ago now, the owner of the laser spa I've been going to informed me that they could not proceed with any further treatments until I got my skin-picking under control. That was when she also informed me of the disorder, dermatillomania. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. NOBODY wants to hear that they are suffering from a disorder. I went through a couple weeks of denial and continued living my life like nothing had changed. It wasn't long before I once again fell victim to the innevitable destruction I occasionally caused to my face. It was at THAT precise moment that something inside me snapped and I broke down. I DID have a problem and I WAS suffering from something that was beyond my control. I knew I needed help and I also knew that I couldn't fight this alone. I came clean about my disorder to my fiance and he's been an amazing support system through all of this. It's really helped having someone there to push me and force me to be strong. He literally gives me pep talks everyday and when he sees any sign of weakness, he whips me right back into shape and tells me that failure is NOT an option. I'm on day 11 of no picking and my skin is healing up nicely. I'm hoping that by my wedding day I can look at my reflection in the mirror and LIKE what I see. Right now, I can't look in a mirror for longer than a second before turning away in disgust. I'm tired of feeling this way about myself, which is why I made the conscious decision to just STOP. As hard and impossible as it sounds, IT IS POSSIBLE. You just have to want it bad enough. Take any and every measure you can think of that will FORCE you to stop. Take down mirrors, don't look in mirrors, wash your face with lights off, have someone in a bathroom with you when you're getting ready or when the urge to pick becomes too great, wear gloves as a constant reminder (we tend to pick without even realizing we're even doing it), keep your hands busy, keep nails really short at ALL times, and lastly, be aware of your actions at ALL times (this part is CRUCIAL b/c picking for us is not just a habit, but second nature, a way of life). I hope I didn't come off too strong but I WANT you to FEEL and LOOK amazing on your wedding day b/c YOU DESERVE THAT!!! It's YOUR day and don't let this disorder take that away from you! :*
April 22, 2011
Hi, I’m new on this site and just found your message. Don’t feel like a failure! I understand what you’re feeling, but 19 days is a long time, you did good! Now don’t give up! Your effort definitely was NOT a waste. I hate to read that people who ‘failed’ a challenge think that they have to start all over again, and that what they had achieved went down the drain... That is by far the most frustrating and depressing thing you can think, and it’s wrong! It’s not a disaster to have a weak moment. It’s very hard to stop so suddenly. Going from picking every day to once a month still is a huge achievement!! And hopefully you will eventually lose the urge to do it for good... I’m glad that you are trying to finish the 30 days instead of starting again at the beginning. If necessary, maybe you could just add one day extra to your challenge, to compensate this one less successful day... Let us know how you’re doing, and good luck! Mary
April 26, 2011
Thanks you guys for the support, it really made me feel a lot better! So i still picked a little bit these last few days but i didn't pick at all today so i'm hoping to be able to beat 19 days in a row this time, i think my picking last week was just the worst possible combination of giant amounts of stress (2 weeks before finals is referred to as hell week for good reason at my college) and the fact that for me there is a week once a month where my acne always acts up so now I have a new record to shoot for (and considering my previous record was 4days im feeling pretty proud of myself to have made it 19)
April 26, 2011
Also I tried to talk to my mom about my problem but she just said "you've got a dermatologist appointment in 2 weeks so stop picking your face" this really made me mad because I feel like she just doesn't get it and doesn't understand that there isn't some magical switch that i can flip and stop picking all together, it's a struggle everyday

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