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elissa , 18 Apr 2011

the source of my picking - borderline eating disorder?

remebering my account on this forum and coming and checking it, makes me reflective about my picking .. well what i do .. that quite a few people dont do on here is eat alot of what i pick and i think this holds significance for me. my picking started to spiral when i moved home because of something traumatic about 4 years ago and this meant i left all my freinds at a time where i could have done with them the most. well im pretty sure at this time i had quite severe depression and changed as a person .. although i hid it well but the siignificance of my eating now comes in. At that time (and still now) i HATED the way i looked felt obese and fat and that i was the fat new kid in school thats why i couldnt make freinds ect ect. i started to restricely eat .. and be reaaaallly secretive and tell people id eaten more than i had so that they didnt make me eat more. i lost alot of weight but i was never underweight. So alothough the characteristic sound like an eating disorder i was never actually underweight so i guess it was maybe a borderline one. Well i remember i used to hate myself whe i ate and punish myself but cutting on the bit of my body i didnt like .. again all very secretively. i finally convinced myself that the cutting was wrong and stopped it but this is when picking became more. Not only do i think that the picking was a way of punishing myself for eating the little i did eat but also i think the fact i ate the skin i picked .. had something to do with it to in that it kept my mouth busy also (linking with the secretiveness) it got rid or the skin id picked. anyway .. i got to a weight i was almost happy with so became easier on myself and also i made new freinds and started to get a bit more confidence .. all the while though still picking .. since then ive put on 2 and a half stone :( and i am absolutely disgusted with myself for it .. but i think that the skin picking has become so frequent and obsessive because its a pusnihment for all that ive eaten. i still starve myself but have very bad willpower and give in and eat. however .. i havent eaten today and ive been picking alot .. and eating what ive picked. Thats is what sparked off this whole chain of thought any thoughts? anyone relate to this? anyones think this could be the cause?

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