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leaf79 , 13 May 2011

I am out of control and feel completely alone, please help

I am completely desperate! I am 31 and have been picking since childhood. When I reached puberty I started to self harm and by my 20's I was a regular at the hospital getting stitched up and hospitalised. Suicidality has been my one constant throughout my entire life, always there, lurking on the peripheral when not screaming into my thoughts. Although I am unable to remember a time in my life that I have not been a picker, it didn't start deeply effecting me till my teens which was when acne showed up. I developed the routine of picking at my face for hours on end-pulling at underneath my cheeks and the skin on my neck so I cld see it better and contorting any way I cld to be able to get to my back; squeezing and picking: I hated my pimples...but I lurved squeezing them! I won't bore you with my entire history so Ill just fast forward to present day... I am completely, utterly and deeply obsessed with picking; I pick anything that is raised off of my skin; I scan for hrs trying to find something, everytime I'm in front of a mirror I have to pick at least 3 pimples otherwise I cant allow myself to leave the room, if I have no bumps I can find; I will create sores;grooming them to be future picking-sites, I started to create sores on my head to pick thinking that at least the scars won't be visible but now I am developing bald patches that are encroaching upon my part ...I even love pick other peoples pimples and spots (does anyone else do this?) and most bizarre; I even fantasise about certain 'stand out' things Ive squeezed!! After I squeeze the pimples I obsessively play with them and then disgustingly I am compelled to smell them before I can dispose of them. What is wrong with me??!? I am a complete and utter FREAK!! I am SO disgusting!!! I hate that I do this, and I hate myself for doing it. I just cant stop!
4 Answers
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luvkitties2
May 14, 2011
You are definitely not alone...much of what you have written describes what I'm going through as well, including the suicidal thoughts. I am new to this forum as well; I don't know what to say other than stay strong and keep reading other peoples' experiences--I know that ever since I found this website, I have felt less alone and not *as* crazy as I did before, which was just a few days ago. It's nice to know that this is an actual condition and that it has a real name. Hang in there...we can do this!
godmotherx2
May 14, 2011
Leaf, I can TOTALLY relate. I'm also 31 and am SO sick of this and feel like SUCH a freak! It's getting close to summer which I always dread because I can't wear anything summer-y because my skin is all jacked up. I mean I pick pretty much everywhere now, so turtlnecks and pants are the only things that could cover it all up. And even though this website and others help me to know that I'm not alone...in everyday life, I feel alone and like a freak. And the sad thing? I'm an extremely, outgoing, friendly person that could normally make friends at the grocery store, for crying out loud!! UGh. Hate this. :(
indigominds
May 14, 2011
I'm new to the site and am overwhelmed at the fact that I'm NOT ALONE! I'm 22 and it's almost a miracle to know that fact so simply and utterly, I wish I had looked this up sooner. I relate to SO MUCH of what you wrote: the skin and zit habits, the feelings of isolation and suicidality, feeling like a "freak", the compulsion...I want to remind you of the feeling that I had coming here, that you're not alone, you're not a freak, and certainly not disgusting. If you're (and my) habits weren't this common there wouldn't be this website for support. As a nursing student though I do encourage you to keep your wounds clean, wash with soap and water (as we've all found out the hard way, sanitizers feel fucking terrible on an open wound you forgot you had).
charliePatton
May 16, 2011
hey i dont know what to say but your not a freak u just have the same problem alot of people have. i have the same problem i dont know what make me do those things. I think its just a very bad habit that is hard to break it hurts so bad i know. i know folks have been looking at my blemishes..... it dosent make u feel to good and makes u feel bad, but acne is something u cant control. i know when i first started getting oily skin breaking out my mom would point at me and tell me to wash my face its looks bad, u need medication... your face is shiney.... in the end i ended up obsessing over my skin and washing it and using products became just as addicting. but its not the end of the world u shouldnt really want to kill yourself over it its dont think like that... u should just try to stop i know that what im going to try to do im 26 if i stop now theyll heal. your only 30 years of age just think if u stop for a year how much better your skin will look. u still have a long life ahead of u. by the way u were so discriptive i feel your pain, its very satifiying to watch the stuff come out your pores but it will be more satisfying if we can stop doing this to are selfs and just leave are pores alone.

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