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startexas , 14 May 2011


Sorry for the stacked posts- but I just realized I have spent a beautiful saturday morning being a totally neurotic sobbing douche while my child sat parked in front of the tv or asking for my undivided attention....I feel lower than whale poop at the bottom of the sea...*********** Took my Xanax and of course peeped in the mirror to asses the damage-doesnt look to bad--guess I am not dying of staph hehe :)...Calm is beggining to set in. I just realized I had two espresso shots this morning- cant help but think there is a relation (and that isnt the hypochindria talking LOL-on a side artificial sweetener seems to make me more nervous & neurotic and I get my "anxiety rash" redness now that I am drinking diet beverages again ********* TO THE POINT: I dont want to live like this anymore. I am not only DENYING MYSELF life experiences, I am now depreiving my daughter & spouse with my shut-in behaviors and depression (which stems and cycles from the damn "skin crap").************************* So I have an exercise that I want to do and maybe you guys can join me--- I am going to make a list of (almost) all of the things I COULD DO or WOULD BE DOING INTEAD OF PICKING TODAY (and longer term) BECAUSE I HAVE STOPPED picking: --btw I specifically said "because I have stopped picking" because "didnt pick" sounds self punishing for past behavior and not "if" but "because" sounds active and empowering like the change is expected, plus I want to forgive myself for being my special brand of crazy, I am mentally interesting not mentally ill :P-- Be positive- dont harp on negatives/ pasts---this is to give incentives immediate and in the long run... ***TODAY, INSTEAD OF PICKING: 1) I will go swimming with my daughter and enjoy the sunshine. My skin needs sun once in a while. F- the spots. The sun & water will likely help. 2) I will color my hair, as it looks rather dull from my shut in lifestyle :(. This will make my pale skintone look healtier too and make me feel a little pampered :). 3) Not picking will likely add up to a shocking hor or two (ahhhh!) so I can peacefully do some reading. 4) I will clean up the trouble spots in my house I have been putting off forever--sort the office papers & shred, etc--being productive makes me feel good! Plus I watched Hoarders and worried my stooopid hypochondria made me think my procrantisnation & aviodance was the beggining stages and I would soon have a house full of 50 cats and garbage & feces to the ceiling...sounds funny now that I am typing it outloud. ****IF I STOPPED PICKING: 1) I would look so hot I would rock yo'socks (seriously, not to toot my own horn, but my body & features are great if I could just be magazine airbrushed somehow in real life...and my confidence would be bursting!) 2) I would save so much $$$ on products I buy on a whim and glimmer of hope as well as dr appts and scripts!! (yay $$$- I need that desprately) 3) I KNOW my work/academic career would all take a turn for the better as I would be SOCIALLY FUNCTIONAL and no longer dread face-to-face interaction ( I literally mean my "bad face" vs others "normal faces"). 4) My family would be happier and more active in all kinds of stuff- alleviating the guilt cycle and dumb arguments with my hub I do bevause of my crakiness and anger/ comfusion at my own situation and ...effecitvely lifting the cloud of depression through postive action and interactions with others. ************** Please try this guys---POST YOUR LIST--I want to read what others have to say********** it helped me gain perspective to see how this impacts EVERYTHING and is now hurting more than me--I know my daily changes will lead to long term gains! :) Only I can fix this! My body ! My brain! My control ! F^ck off ugly skin! You bring me no satisfaction or soothing ! I control these hands! Be gone damn brain cooties that drive this!**********
3 Answers
May 14, 2011
WHOO HOOO! Went to my fathers house and went swimming with the kiddo! Laid my pale white self in the sun for a bit , 10 minutes each side :) LOL! Face feels pleasantly "beach day" clean and warm and rosy--body feels good too. Probably needed the vitaminD since I am never out. More importantly- I wore a bkini and didnt fret or touch my skin and my daughter got to do something fun!
May 15, 2011
yAY! Congratulations? Sounds like you had a great day-and well deserved as well, good work!
May 15, 2011
hi first off I just want to say I'm so pleased to have found this site. I thought I was the only person in the world who had such a habit. when stressed I pick my breasts (can't believe I'm admitting this) and spots on my face. it's like I have something inside my body that I hav to get out from under the skin! since discovering there is such a thing as a medical condition for this it has alleviated my guilt and I've nearly stopped picking. I'm not on any drugs for depression and it sounds like u r in a really bad place so not sure if my advice wil help but here goes! Draw a butterfly for any nice thing you receive - a smile,compliment,ur daughter wanting to spend time with u. maybe u could make a collage/draw a pic with ur daughter about all the things u both like. keep it and look at it wen u r down to remind u of the good stuff :) I once saw a Tshirt that said "life is a gift" and u shouldn't forget that. wot about doing some face painting with ur daughter - it's really good fun. spend time with family, daughter and husband as it appears they love u for u. it's good u want to enjoy the sunshine rather than spend time in a darkened room with ur scars for company. enjoy urself and think of the pleasure you will give to the little girl u created in doing so! good luck with all my heart x

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