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girlwithafever , 08 Jul 2011

new and comforted

I'm 16 years old, and i've had a picking problem for about two years, which hardly holds a candle to some of the stories i've read here. It's gotten particularly bad and i finally broke down and decided to google "skin picking" to see if i was crazy or if i seriously had a problem. I read a post describing in detail the process of picking- the initial anxiety around a scab, the rush of relief when you pull off a scab and run your fingers over the newly smooth and flat skin, and then the overwhelming and crippling guilt and depression you feel as the blood starts to roll down your face. This has been my life DAILY. I wake up and start to pick. I pick throughout the day. I re-apply my makeup constantly. I cover my face whenever possible. I cancel appointments, dates, and even call in sick to work when it's especially bad. I thought i was going insane. And here, after reading that one girls post, within thirty seconds i was sobbing. I'm not sure what the tears meant (or mean, seeing as i am still crying) but what i feel mostly is a mixture of pain- finally acknowledging i have a serious anxiety problem that i release through picking my face, and RELIEF- knowing i AM NOT ALONE. Just to know that so many of you are out there feeling just how i'm feeling, people that really get it. I am too scared and ashamed to admit to my parents or friends that i actually pick my skin. I dont want ANYONE to know, and if anyone ever pointed it out to me i'd die of shame. It is a personal burden that i carry with me every day, and i am exhausted with it. Not a single day goes by where i don't scrutinize myself in the mirror. Not a second passes where i don't feel my fingers tracing my face looking for flakes of skin to rid of. I hate it. I hate myself. I've tried everything short of therapy and medicine, simply because i know my family cannot afford it and we don't have health insurance. I don't know what to do and i'm scared i am on the road to permanent, irreversible damage. I guess i just wanted to post this because i feel so comforted knowing other people share my pain. I suppose it is slightly silly but honestly i dont care. I have battled with this internally and externally for too long. I just want to say that my heart goes out to all of you, and even though i obviously don't know you, you are in my heart and in my prayers (which are few and far in between seeing as my relationship with god is laughable). I love you all, thank you for being here to let me see that i am not alone. You ALL inspire me. You are all beautiful. We are all beautiful. Thank you. xx

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