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Longtimeinthedark , 23 Jul 2011

Every 7 years your skin is completely renewed.

I think there should be support groups meeting around the US and the world for this disorder because it is incredibly private and feeds on it itself in the dark. I am 24 and experienced the high peak of my picking from 18-21... going to college and such.. as well as obsessive tendencies in other areas of my life, probably stemming from social anxiety--though ironically I would go out every night during this time (but at night! where the places and clubs were so dark, my scars could not be seen) yet when I would return or look at my face in the morning, I would take to it with dirty hands and form patterns of pain upon my face. I assumed I was making myself ugly because I felt I didn't deserve to be sad as that was... after getting a boyfriend and sabotaging my relationship with all kinds of emotional anxiety and obsessiveness--I quit picking cold turkey. I realized I was so crippled with self loathing I could not accept blind love.. I could not love wholly back, I was scared he was drifting, I was jealous of everybody from other girls to his friends --but the real root of the problem lied in a deep inexpressible fear of opening myself wide and accepting the public, which includes anybody--even one person. It manifests in incredibly private behavior, bouts of intense solitude, and hiding parts of yourself which you quietly antagonize over in the dark. When I stopped picking, I traveled to a retreat in the mountains of France by myself where there were no mirrors. I did not look at myself. Sometimes, I would be tempted to see what my face really looked like. I remember one early morning, I walked to the top of the mountain at sunrise and took a photo of myself on my phone and saw to my horror in the white light of day--the tense blotches of redness afflicting in a line down the center of my face--my forehead, nose, inner cheeks, and chin...and my lips too. I looked away, terrified. For months I kept up--I did not pick. When I came back to NY and moved into an apartment with a friend, I kept the lighting dim. I moved on. I still pick my lips--sometimes i get into bouts where I feel very has indeed come and gone and come back again. The root problem still is hidden in a place where words cannot even draw it out, indescribable and unreflective. The only thing I think that can truly cure this is to talk about it--to make it known, to cast it out of the dark. Anyone want to chat more with me that would be nice... 10 years of this and today I put a name to it! I hope to stop for good, for good, for good. But on the upside, every 7 years your skin regenerates. You will heal--your skin is incredible at it--if you only allow it to do its work. And it is true of all parts of your bodies--from the breasts to the face to..everything. Another thing--anybody notices this is primarily effecting women? Poor ladies tearing themselves apart in secret. We must take hold of our anxiety and accept ourselves. I would like to more than anything... I have a son now and for him, I would like to be sane, clean, hopeful, assured. I would not like to hide from him... and so I must try and recover completely.
2 Answers
July 24, 2011
Wow it;s great that your so open about this. I always try to downplay my picking with myself and act as if it's not a big deal...but now that I'm scarred so bad on my fce it's like I can't deny it anymore. You sound strong though and it's hard to stop...and yes it seems like most of us are women....we just have this need to be perfect I guess...unblemished. Yet we destroy's so strange. We will overcome this habit!!
July 30, 2011
Thank you for posting this! Today is the 1st day I've ever reached out to anyone about this condition, and I already feel relieved and comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. I'm 18 and about to head off to college 3,000 miles away from my family and friends, so I want to get this habit under control now

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