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lovestoshine , 28 Aug 2011

Finding my reason why I pick...

I recently started college and got a double ear infection (one in each ear) and I did great this week, barely picking. Even though I picked one slight blemish the one day. Then friday came. I missed my class and picked all day. And picked saturday too. I also stayed up late on fri and sat (like 5 am late :c) when I had been going to bed at atleast 12 every night. I did go to bed late on thursday around 2 am. I was picking and thinking why? why am I doing this? I want to learn why I do it so I can find better outlets. I know I am damaging my skin and making it worse. And actually making me as ugly as I feel (harsh comment but I know it's true). I did wear make up today, which sometimes puts my picking at bay but when I'm broke out and wear make up it makes me feel worse, like I'm wearing a mask because IMO I cake it on a bit to cover the blemishes. I feel like I know the real reason why I pick, because I am unhappy and I think I just realized why I started picking on thursday. Because I stayed up late and didn't take a shower that night (I prefer night showers if I'm going somewhere the next day). But more then likely because I stayed up late. I'm guessing it's because I let myself down. I frowned quite a lot as I looked at the clock on and off. I think I picked even more later on yesterday because I seen pictures of me on my mom's FB and they were from last december. I absolutely hate pictures that I'm not posed in and taken by myself. I also hate full body pics. Well all of these were pretty much full body pics. And I hated them. I thought I looked ugly and fat. I had a really bad double chin, looked unhappy in the pics, and it made me dislike my nose in the pictures (which I've had a like/hate thing with...I think I'll end up being fine with my nose and loving it as a part of me but sometimes I wish I could get a nose job). I even told my mom to take them off and she said "Hey don't talk about my girl like that" and tried to say they we're good pics cuz they were natural and not posed. I was horrified. Because I still weigh about the same as I did last year (I think I lost 15 pounds or so and cut my hair off). I think the picking is because I have so many body insecurities. I never liked how I looked once I was 13 or 14 and got really depressed. Before that I was ok with it and didn't think about it as much. I think quitting picking only will solve one problem. The real root is self loathing and insecurities. I need to love myself but it's so hard. It's that crazy? I mean we have family we just automatically love, we meet people and fall in love, we love friends. But it takes some of us our whole lives to really love ourselves. And we've been there since day one. I'm happy this forum is here, I know I'm rambling and such but it's nice to have a place to post with people dealing with the same stuff. I think if I start expressing my feelings more in better ways then harming my skin then I will rely less and less on pain as a coddling device.
9 Answers
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destroyx
August 29, 2011
Well, it sounds like you know yourself very well. You've got everything on the table, so now time to start moving the peices. You are the only person who can change your life- so it's all up to you. Try looking at youself from a distance...getting up close just distorts everything. Rather than pick, keep yourself busy busy busy and wash your face/brush teeth with as least light as possible. Do you exercise much? It really does help with the endorphine release- I vigorusly clean my room and it works lol I hope you do well. You know what you have to do now do it!!
Valerie
August 29, 2011
Wow you sound a lot like me! But yeah, you know the comment from the other person below is true..exercise can help a lot..I need to get back into that.
ConnieR
August 30, 2011
The fact that you had some success is great news, but I'm really sorry to hear about your relapse on Friday. :/ A therapist once told me that instead of asking why I'm picking while I'm picking...switch to I am picking, this is what I am doing right now, I am picking. And don't let my mind wander, just stay in the awareness of what I'm doing. I often pick because I'm bored, plus I'm insane and I think it makes me look better, but it never does. I use it to treat my anxiety, but I believe the key is to allow myself to feel the anxiety without having to treat it/self sooth with picking.
ampersand
August 30, 2011
Oh, honey. Starting college is really, really hard. It's lonely, intimidating, disorienting, and for anxious people like us, will trigger panic mode. I want you to put your right hand on your left shoulder, your left hand on your right shoulder, and give yourself a big squeeze. That's a hug from me! Do just one thing positive for yourself today. Try going to the gym on campus. I know, I know. And no, I'm not calling you fat. But, if you go just once, and go with the mentality of "I'm going for fitness, not to lose weight," perhaps you can get into a healthier frame of reference. Turn up your headphones. Move along with your tunes. Enjoy your body. Sweat it out. And then afterward, take a long hot shower, and exfoliate your face, pluck your eyebrows, shave your legs, paint your toenails-- pamper yourself! If you get some good exercise, and come out of that shower feeling all buffed up, perhaps you will see your body in a better light. Before I started to get regular exercise, every time I passed a mirror, I would call myself a "fat f*ck." I felt crappy about every little thing I ate. I thought, I would continue to gain weight until I was one of those morbidly obese women in the Walmart scooters, my husband and friends would desert me, and then I would be all alone. And since getting some exercise, I can cut myself a little more slack. No, I haven't lost any weight, and I'll never be built like a model. But, I can see myself as getting healthier and stronger. I can smile at the mirror. I have no doubt that you are going to do great in college and that you're going to find your place in the sun. Good luck!
pick2mysoul
August 31, 2011
The statement, "The real root is self loathing and insecurities. I need to love myself but it's so hard. It's that crazy? I mean we have family we just automatically love, we meet people and fall in love, we love friends. But it takes some of us our whole lives to really love ourselves," literally blew me away. That totally makes sense to me. I guess part of me cognitively understands, but how does one love oneself???? I wish that I could just look into a mirror and say "I love you" and believe it with my heart and soul and then miraculously be OK. I also wonder where this comes from? Are we just more sensitive than others? Do the burdens of the world overwhelm our senses and nerves so much that we self mutilate and take it out on ourselves? Is it our childhood? Is it chemical? I am glad I found this website and I think that if we express ourselves on this forum, it will help. Thanks for sharing your story.
bas
September 05, 2011
yes yes yes and yes. In fact it as a cocktail of all these things that combine to make up our compulsion. The picking is a byproduct of the OCD. The OCD comes from chemical imbalances, childhood problems, anxiety, stress, self loathing, perfectionist traits, overextended ego.... I could go on forever. Loving yourself more or less is not going to make a difference except in that you will be more happy. Some pickers love themselves too much. However, know this, somebody loves you and you are inherently good. I do not know any of you but I love you all because we share a common bond. stay strong
byndredmption
September 05, 2011
I've been on this site for an hour now reading all of these posts and yours really spoke to me. It does feel like all the burdens of the world are resting on my shoulders and I cannot cope. I do feel like I'm just overly sensitive to EVERYTHING. When I am stressed, I pick at my face, back, scalp, etc. When I pick at myself...I get stressed! It's even worse now that I just came off of my birthcontrol pills because my face is breaking out and the hot weather doesn't help either. I'm even doing it at work now because there's a mirror hanging in the office and if I know it's there, I have to do it! I've been treated for depression since I was a young teen and anxiety for a few years now. Last summer I went back on anti-depressents after a brief hiatus because my doctor prescribed them for me to treat my OCD. This was the first time I had ever been treated for OCD and in fact the first time I ever admitted my mutilating habit to anyone. It was very difficult. I am a person who is very aware of the cause and effect of everything that has happened to me to shape the way I am but this one snuck by me. Anyways, my doctor prescribed me prozac to help with my OCD and it worked. However, I don't like the notion of putting man-made chemicals into my body not to mention supporting a multi billion dollar pharmaceutical drug industry whose only concern is to make $$$$ by any means necessary. I stopped taking medications of any kind, including birth control. So now I'm trying to deal with this disorder on my own. It's so hopeless that I've considered picking up smoking in hopes that it could replace my habit of picking my skin. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. I've found that if I cut my nails really short, I can't pick at my face. I try to keep them short but I don't try hard enough. In fact the only time I will cut my nails is when I've just finished picking at myself and I am so disgusted with my behavior that I grab the clippers. Unfortunately, I don't always have a pair on handy so maybe I should start carrying a pair around with me in my purse. I'd rather have short, stubby fingernails than a red, bleeding face with huge pores and dark spots!!!!!! Omg I feel a lot better now that I got all that out!!! We are in control of our own destinies!!! We don't have to let this get the best of us! It is our flaws and weaknesses that unite us as human beings! Good luck everyone!
GOTINA
September 01, 2011
More than 3 years doctors poison me with antibiotics, depression and anxiety medication.At last I understand I'm not alone. Can you clarify the difference between this desease and MORGELLONS DESEASE?
bas
September 05, 2011
yes, morgellons is based on the belief that you have bugs or parasites or an infection etc etc underneath the skin and you need to get it out. This belief, aided by the infection that you create by picking and the psychosomatic effect of your belief cause symptoms to arise which leads to more picking so on and so forth. They are similiar but ultimately very different. Anxiety meds and SSRI's can help CSP but only with willpower and cognitive behavioral therapy and habit therapy, where as morgellons is more delusion based. stay strong friend

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