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Trying a new start
This is the first time I've ever 'blogged' or written an account of my struggles with this disorder (it feels weird calling it that). I suppose I will give you all a bit of background and let you know what possessed my to sit at my computer at 3 in the morning searching for some type of support. The first time I remember picking I was in elementary and I just recall scratching some white heads off of my nose and for some reason it was very satisfying. And so it began, apparently my compulsion relates more to a self comforting measure rather than an active attempt to mutilate myself though the end result is just that. As a young teen I used my "bad skin" as an excuse not to get close to boys because I was incredibly insecure, it was my armor in a way and an easy excuse, "of course no one would like my.. look at me". Slowly this habit progressed to the point of feeling truly uncontrollable. I hated myself for doing it and that hate just fueled my need to pick more. W When I pick and pop and scratch I lose myself. I calm down and feel grounded. For that hour I spend in front of the mirror I don't have to care. As soon as I can pull myself back and actually see the damage I hate myself and I lose hope. I am 24 now, a newly graduated nurse and otherwise happy girl. This habit completely dominates my life. It affects relationships. I feel like I can't get physically close to someone because if I am not actively picking they are still going to be grossed out by my scars. There have been many times when I call in sick or cancel plans with friends or family because I have destroyed my face and feel like I can't go out in public. I've attempted to stop too many times to count and failed every time. I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope. I want to put this behind me and be able to live my life.
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