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Tarento , 05 Feb 2012

unable to do routine, going out of my mind??

i have OCD, BDD, anxiety and depression, and i also have pretty bad CSP. i'm really pale with very dry/sensitive skin and i'm prone to blemishes on my face, shoulders, arms, chest, back, and calves. it's almost impossible to tell i'm covered in spots, red marks and scabs because i'm used to never showing my body and i've years of practice covering bad areas of my face with concealer, so most people have no idea i have such a problem with my skin. however, while i'm fine with covering up against people seeing me, what i struggle with is my own acknowledgement of what state my skin's in. it just makes me feel like completely breaking down. i catch a glimpse of a blemish and i feel an overwhelming urge to bathe in scalding hot water and ruthlessly scrub all of the horrible stuff off myself even though i know it's in my skin and can't simply be washed away. or else i shut myself up in my room and spend into the early hours searching and picking every inch of my body until i'm sore all over and exhausted. of all the bumps i can feel, unless i get 'pus' out i will keep scratching and scratching them until i completely take away the layers of skin and am left with raw, bleeding holes which inevitably scab and look horrible. my thinking behind this behaviour is somewhere along the lines of 'i would rather have scabs than spots' because the idea of pus festering under my skin is quite simply unbearable, but once i do it i always feel worse. and sometimes when i can't get some spots to smooth down, i have to give up from exhaustion and then i lay awake, racked with anxiety knowing i have not only scabs now but bumps left over ASWELL and there's nothing i can do about it, which is like a double slap to the face. a while ago i discovered a technique whereby i cut small squares of surgical tape and stick them directly over each spot or scab on my whole body, after dotting them with antiseptic/healing cream, and when done i can shower and do everything else grooming-related normally and they stay on fine for at least 3 days. it relieves the blow from seeing all the red blotches and marks whenever i have to look at myself- getting undressed, in the shower etc, and it stops me picking long enough that they can begin healing with the cream if i keep re-doing it without any breaks. since i made this part of my weekly routine i've been able to save so much time and aggro whereas each morning i would usually be a wreck trying to get myself ready. it takes an immense amount of pressure off of daily life, and even though i still cover it all up (because it understandably looks insane) i feel much, much better in myself. like a new kind of freedom just to move around and be comfortable in my own skin. the thing is, i notice that when i'm unable to do this 'ritual' as it has become, my mood instantly plummets back to that original state, and even worse in many ways because i have that sense of loss added to it, having my wonderful safety net suddenly gone. this happened to me at the beginning of the week, when i didn't have any spare money to buy refills of the surgical tape i use. once the old plasters began to fall off on their own i had to remove them, and as soon as i got a good look at what was there that i couldn't cover over anymore, i went into compulsion overdrive. i haven't picked so bad in a long while but i couldn't stop myself, and this morning when i had to get up to go to work i became so frustated and enraged by the helplessness i felt, that i wanted to go out of control, scream, smash stuff. i just feel angry at every human being who can be so carefree about all the little things they do in their lives, and i would do simply anything to be like 'them', to own my own body. i feel i could just unzip my self like a suit, step out of it and throw it in the trash because that is where it really belongs. except i can't and when i keep thinking i'm stuck inside it forever, i feel like i break a little more inside. i hate being like this and i just want it to be over now.

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