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Ginger_Snapp , 02 Mar 2012

Cant Remember Control

I'm so angry. I'm so tired. I hate this. I feel like a drug addict who's living in a meth lab. I cant touch my own skin without feeling bumps and feeling like my arms suddenly wont obey my commands anymore. I hate that even when I don't pick, scratch or scrub, when I do everything I'm supposed to and things still only get worse. Those vile bumps keep coming no matter what I do. Like a soldier in battle I know I cant win, so I want to take as many down with me as I can. Its been years since I realized its a problem, one since I've started to gain 'control' over it. Yet I find the more I gain the more I feel like I'm losing. I find I look back and I cant remember what control feels like. Yet I remember the first pimple I ever popped. Control is an illusion. Every time I think have things figured out, that I'm on my way to a better place it slips through my grasp once again. I developed a rash on my neck this week and I have to clean it by hand because a washcloth just irritates it. The redness shows all the ridges in my skin, all the old scars and all the white, just-under-the-skin bumps that I could get at if I tried. When I clean it I feel every one under my finger tips, I feel the rigidity of the skin from the rash that feels like it could just come off. If I didn't know better I'd swear astringent was on my neck 24/7, yet this pain doesn't make me feel better like picking does. Of all the health problems I could have, it has to affect the skin? Now I cant use the proactive until the rash is gone, and my face - which was just clearing up - is going to come back. I wont be able to wash it in blistering hot water like I usually do to stop from picking (or to cover up from picking) because the hot water makes the rash flair up. I want to smash something. I want to cry. I want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. I'm tired of being afraid of my own fingers. Tired.
1 Answer
March 02, 2012
Darling what kind of rash is this Hun?? I have eczema on the back of my neck, and anytime I feel a bump or something it is like my fingers are magnets. I know your tired and exhausted doll. I am to. I'm mentally tired and fried. I just want it to all stop and end, but then it scares me. If I do this addiction and stop. What would my next addiction be to stop my pains, or nerves or worries. Would it be worse or life threatening...??? I think so much I can't think anymore. I know how you feel. It is a battle with your own finger tips. The rush and tingly feeling in your finger tips when you do it and when you don't. If you don't do it you feel like you are out of control, and sad, and nervous and like your missing out. But when you do it and your done afterwards. You could take a nap of relief and sigh like ughhhhhh.......... I'm done. A little satisfaction, but then yet a little disappointed in yourself, and a little bit of guilt and ashamed. It sucks to feel this way. I just wish I could scream so loud till I lose my voice and pray someone is listening.

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