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imusthatemyself , 11 Mar 2012

i look like shit.......

This fucking thing finally has a name, that sucks and has increased my anxiety ten fold. I just get completely lost in myself. My latest episode is the worst by far. I dont want to even look in the mirror because i become totally obsessed, then an hour later I have weeks of healing ahead of me which causes stress and anxiety and im picking within hours. I try to stay to parts of my body that i can cover, but then my face gets in the way. I must hate myself. I like to mutilate parts of my body, it releases SO MUCH PAIN and ANXIETY and feels so good that I think of myself as a freak. Its not just my body, I want to pick whoever will let me get carried away. You have a sunburn and are peeling hmmm... let me help. Your back itches? let me help. I beg my husband to let me pick, so after 10 years he finally has set specific rules which i dunno if that makes him an enabler or helpful. I've done/do meds/therapy for years. I have recently stopped seeing my therapist because i feel like shit with my relapse and cant own it. 6 years clean... until I put myself in a situation i wasnt strong enough to handle. Im a stay at home mom with two kiddos. My hubby works out of t help things at all. state for months at a time. I've become this recluse and make excuses to my kids for not wanting to go anywhere because i look like a GODDAMN FREAK Recently i had an episode where i picked my breasts and chest to the point where it looks like a fuckin cheese grater. When i look at the damage which is several times a day i pick the scabs and look for the smallest imperfection to pick some more. I am damaged but i know i have some life left in me somewhere. Depression is a total mind fuck that has imprinted struggle on my forehead which seems to be the only place that is clear. My struggle continues as i reach out to you. Yesterday I was just self mutilating, today it has a name and makes me want to start a leg project. FUCK. Admitting self defeat sucks.
3 Answers
March 12, 2012
You seem hurt and angry. I can relate. I been doing it since I was 14 years old. I hope I can at least find a man and that loves me for me. I want to help you. It is a hard addiction. You can do it, but something's beneath you that's hurting you. Maybe you don't love yourself. I know I don't love me, but I want to, but don't know how. I think so negative, and I have no self confidence and self esteem. Maybe we can help each other through this hard ordeal. We can exchange screen names for aim, or emails and we can push ourselves. What we need especially is support. Someone there, and especially someone who relates and understands. This site has all that for you, but for a more incounter and help I be honored to help in anyway I can. I'm 26 and my name is Holly. I want to make some organization and get a group together like Angela Hartlin. She is the writer of forever marked. I do not know if you have ever heard of it. I think you should buy and read the book. You are not alone and maybe we can make some kind of group support to help others that can come together and we can help ourselves with the most strongest help support we can ever find.
August 01, 2014

In reply to by Hollyrosemarie02

Hello Holly I know I didn't write this but you commented on my other posts before. Feel free to email me Anyone can email me. I would likw to talk to people that share this disorder(if that's what it's considered). And I can relate to both of you. I wa doing so good with not picking but yesterday I picked. It wasn't too bad but it still sucks and now I feel terrible and hate myself even more.
March 12, 2012

In reply to by Hollyrosemarie02

My life has never been easy and yes there are alot of underlying factors that contribute to this addiction as well as others. I looked up picking kind of as a curiosity thing and was actually quite suprised it had a name and I wasnt alone. Im willing to exchange emails or screen names with you. does this site have private conversation options? otherwise my email is Thanks, you came across as really sincere. To not be acknowleged at all in any forum when your obviously reaching out makes things worse.

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