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EvelynEden , 12 Mar 2012

I felt so alone

Wow, I am both glad and sad to have found this site! Glad I am not alone but also sad that so many others have to suffer with this. I just want to get off my chest what I do real quick. I will sit on the toilet (this seems to be my favorite place to do this, probably the privacy). I first run my hands under my legs to see if there are scabs. I pick all of them, and squeeze if they are puffy to get either blood or pus. (Usually just blood, but my head always wants to see the other for some reason). I feel cleaner when I see the blood. Then I move to the tops of my legs, not usually much there. My calves, sometimes on the underside of them there will be a few ingrown hairs and then scabs. Then I move to my arms, my upper arms mostly and I actually shave my arms to create ingrown hairs... It's... Nuts, I know. So when I have fresh ones I have a field day. And then the next week or so I'll have a mixture of fresh ones and the little scabs. Why is it so satisfying? I wish I could stop so badly but I can not afford hundreds of dollars for treatment. I can barely afford rent and food! And then there is my face. Well I try not to look in the mirror for to long, or to closely because I will demolish my self. My husband hates it when I pick at all but especially my face. I love the feeling of pulling a scab and then on the end is the tiny little hair with maybe a little dot of white. Or pimples, I love popping them and even my husbands back. I can go for hours on him if he will let me. Which is rare now because a few times I went really nuts on him while he played the ps3 and there was blood. He didn't realize because I can be gentle about it. So, when he saw he was pretty upset and I just told him I couldn't help it. And, I really couldn't! Sometimes I even watch videos of pimples being popped. The big ones. Actually... Sometimes those videos help me not pick at my self, it is a similar kind of satisfaction. I have actually contemplated posting ads on craigslist looking for people who are also like this, so that I could pick them and they could pick me! I know that is so extreme. I am just so obsessed with it. Sometimes I can be doing it while watching T.V. and not even realize it. I also pick my lips until they bleed, constantly. I use to pull my hair out and my eyelashes when I was younger. As I got older it progressed to the picking. I do still have some hair pulling issues though, from time to time. I'll create a bald spot on my head about the size of a quarter, and I will pull out all of my eye lashes and have to use eye liner. Sorry this is so long. I suppose I just really felt like I needed to tell people who have similar issues. Everyone I know personally thinks I'm weird or that I just have "bad skin". Sigh..
1 Answer
March 13, 2012
This is almost identical to my rituals. I run my fingers down the backs of my legs like that every day, several times. My upper arms are covered in 20 yrs worth of tiny scars. I have always fought the urge to go after hair. I had started absentmindedly at one point, and would play with my hair and any strand that felt too course in comparison to my other hair would be plucked, until I realized what I was doing a few weeks later. I still feel them and seek then out by touch, but I make myself leave them alone. Why I can do that, but not take my fingers off my arms I will never know. People ask me at work, my standard answer was always 'oh, acne' or 'eh, I just have bad skin' but once I admitted to myself this is something more, I have been honest and responded with 'eh, I have anxiety and a condition tied to it that affects my skin." I know my stress levels directly affect my condition. I am OCD with hoarder tendancies, but can't afford therapy so the internets will have to do! :) You and I, similar outlets in pickings it seems. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I needed to know it too I guess, when I saw this post. K

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