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Ashamed. Sexual Dysfunction, "Trich", plus..Picking & eating EVERYTHING MY BODY COULD POSSIBLY PRODUCE (except feces..of course)
So...I came across this site by sheer accident and am very thankful that I did. I came across a thread from 2010 when I typed "eating bodily secretions" into Google today, & to my surprise, this site popped up. I really don't know what to do or think about myself anymore. I have been biting and eating my nails and toenails my entire life (toenails are rare now). When I was about 4 or 5yrs of age, I was molested by a cousin who was 4 years older than me, and I became ashamed of the fact that I seemed to enjoy the "tingly" feeling. I internalized it and at the ripe age of 26yrs old, still have not told a soul in my family because I don't want to cause any problems. When I was 8yrs old, my clinically diagnosed narcissist, bipolar, OCD father blamed me for his 2nd wife leaving him. Soon after I began tearing my hair out and eating it. I did this at first while in school and before I knew it, I had pulled out a silver dollar sized area of hair from the top of my head and had no idea about what I had just done. One of my peers happened to look up from his math test at me across the room and gasped. Soon after, the whole class was staring at me and I ran out. I then had to wear my hair in a ponytail for 2yrs straight in order to cover it, and...I switched schools & was forced into therapy. Naturally, I lied and said I was fine. I never stopped pulling my hair, but now move around to different areas on my head. Essentially it looks like I have a ton of "fly-aways" and the top of my head is spikey along my part-line. Any time the hair starts to grow back and stick up in the air, I pull it out to fix the problem. When I feel that picking from my head is too excessive, I move to my pubic area. I also eat all of the the roots and sometimes chop the individual strands into tiny pieces with my teeth and ingest them. I began picking my skin as soon as I started to get acne during the onset of puberty in order to try to stop pulling my hair. Shortly after it became a problem as I started picking so much that I essentially created more things for me to pick at. Every time I pick, I feel as though I am hunting some sort of prey and am not satisfied unless I have some sort of treasure to feast on at the end of my mission. Sometimes, I pick for hours on end. My face and back are a total mess, though I'm trying to stop. When I'm really into my picking, I will create problems on my genitals, legs, arms, breasts, etc instead. I eat almost everything that comes out of my body. I have been obsessed with my body and all surface imperfections all my life as my father also used to put me on countless diets throughout my adolescence and teen years and told me no one will ever love or want me if I am "fat" or have blemishes. I have a very hard time maintaining healthy relationships with men as a result. In the 2010 posting that I had seen earlier, many women reported having a habit of eating their ear wax, boogers, and discharge from their panties to boot. I myself am guilty of all of this as well. I feel so isolated and secretive about all of this and don't know what to do. What is this? Why do I do this? Is there any way to make it stop? Touching on the sexual dysfunction portion of my header, I don't believe that I have ever been able to fully achieve an orgasm either. I get to a point where my clitoris is "throbbing" and the muscles inside of me begin to slightly "contract", but anything beyond this...I cannot achieve. And as far as I'm concerned...I have no stupid "G-Spot". Where is the screaming orgasm that people talk about? I don't feel a release or rush through my whole body like people explain. I have never been able to achieve any of this with a man before either. What little satisfaction I do acheive it is only with myself, and it takes about an hour of violently manhandling my nearly dead clitoris before the friction becomes too much and I just cant handle it anymore. I think the sexual dysfunction part may be partially a sub-conscious guilt thing from the molestation, coupled with my insecurity toward men due to my relationship with my father, and largely in part due to having been on so many different anti-depressants, mood stablizers, and ADHD meds for so long that they essentially caused what I believe is called something like chronic genital anesthesia (something to that effect that has to do with the way dopamine works in the sex organs...). An additional problem that I created for myself when I was about 12yrs old was that I started pulling on my labia minora constantly in order to find something else to do instead of picking or ripping my hair out. As a result, I stretched my clitoral hood and labia out so much that each labia (the inner lips that are supposed to be tiny) ended up being about an inch and a half long (each) and protruded past my labia majora. This caused constant rubbing and desensitizing of my clitoris for the past 14yrs, and caused constant discomfort in clothing and while exercising. As a result, I've always obsessed about my labia during sex and cannot relax or focus...then there's the part about me being overweight too. I just finally got a labiaplasty and hoodectomy so we shall see if it helps. As much tissue as they removed from my genitals, I am still very upset about the way my genitals look and think the skin is too big, hangy, and well...ugly. I just dont know what to do anymore. I've tried masturbating since having the procedure 6 weeks ago and nothing has changed. HELP! Constant picking/pulling/eating, nervous ticks, constant binge eating and restriction, coupled with an inability to have a deep, meaningful intimate relationship with men that I pursue, and God knows the list goes on and on.....UGHHH!!! Is there ANYONE out there who is like me at all? Anything remotely similar? Any advice fro stopping all of this destructive behavior? Any advice as far as sex-therapy is concerned? I really am at a breaking point here. I just want to give up on being happy and well adjusted altogether sometimes. Hope no one says anything mean or judgmental....this took a whole lot of courage for me to write. I've NEVER, EVER disclosed ANY of this before aside from telling my best friend that I pull my hair on occasion and pick my nose. =) So....there you have it. "Me" in a nutshell.....I hope I wont have reason to regret this. Scary. Thanks in advance for your compassion and assistance.
May 09, 2012
Hey Marie I discovered this site today and I'm so surprised by the familiar stories. I start pulling my hair since I was 11. It first stared with a strange hairstructure I found on one of the hairs on my vagina. The structure was not flat (or straight) in was with little kracks (I can not explain very well in english). But anyway I wanted to get rid of it and I pulled it. Since then I am constantly picking hair, mostly head hair, but also the little hairs around the nipple and hair on the vagina. I also eat the roots. No idea why I do that. But I get also the most pleasure by taking out a hair with a big root. I feels like a releaf, like its clean after. The same with skinpicking. Any little thing on my sick I pick, because I feel like its something dirty unter my skin. Nail biting too, I can not stand little cracks in the nail and then I bite. I try not to let it overtake my life, but it's very difficult and lonely to live with this. I tries a lot of therapies and counselling but nothing seems to work on long terms. About your problem with orgasm I can tell why you can not have one. You are now too stressed and to focused on having one. Make a pause, first start to love yourself. And then the lovemaking will come after. Tips: - be who you really are, with the bad habits. Don't hide from yourself. Because the cause of picking and pulling is that you (un)consciously reject yourself. - don't deny, the picking is a part of you - your state of mind determinate how you look, not your skin or hair or... - only hang out with people who take you the way you are - ... Just remember you really are beautiful. I don't even have to see you to tell you this. Beauty is a very complex thing. I used to believe that only "hollywood-model-beauty" was the real beauty. Now I have fake boobs and I realized that was the stupidest thing I could have done. Because now I see that all this thing don't matter, there is more in life than wondering all the time what you don't have. You may not have the perfect skin, you may not have the perfect hair or perfect lips. But you don't have to, just try to accept yourself how you really are. Don't let dark emotions take over your mind. Its must sound very difficult. You can not control your bad habits, but you can control your mind. It needs some practice, but its much easier.
May 26, 2012
oh Marie I am crying for u. And all of us. I'm so tired now, it is late but I wanna tell u, in case u don't know that meds for ADHD cause us to pick obsessively etc. and definitely, meds for depression, cause in men priapism and n women an inability to reach orgasm. I stopped the pills for a couple of days as my psychiatrist suggested. And sure enough, I could come . The person before me is right.the more you worry the less you can. A vibrator helped me. Also fantasi zing,even tho I was ashamed to fantasize. Boy aren't we fucked up!
March 01, 2013
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