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destroyx , 14 May 2012

Feeling suicidal ashamed of my skin

I'm 21 and going to be 22 soon. I've been picking at my face, arms and scratching at my back since I was 15. The scars are permanent and some are raised- it's just so ugly I can't go anywhere without a full face of make up and a long sleeved shirt. Summer is here and I'm always inside or sweating outside with long sleeves on. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just want to end it- I don't want to live my life looking like a freak. Does anyone feel the same? Thanks for reading.
7 Answers
May 15, 2012
Hi, Just want you to know I created an account to reply to your post specifically. I recently found out that I, too, have this condition, though it has been an unnamed destructive force since middle school (12 y/o). I scratch at my scalp, my arms, face, and back. All day. Every day. I've tried stopping but something keeps the habit going. While I am not to the point where I'm hiding traces of my problem right now, I have been in a similar situation before in high school when I thought my calves and ankles were horrendous. I thought they were so big and ugly, not at all dainty and slim like everyone else, and I would always wear pants, summer time or not. When I went swimming, I would wear the towel up to the edge of the pool and get in. I was embarrassed of how I looked and every day aspects of my life were altered because of it. I later found someone who appreciated the way I looked and I learned that no one really cared. People still found me attractive and I didn't need to be embarrassed. I guess my point to you is that I understand the feelings you're having and I think that you have too much to offer the world and vice versa to think of ending it when you're just beginning your journey. Sorry if that sounds cheesy and not at all what you're looking for. Hope things brighten up.
May 15, 2012

In reply to by BethanyJones

Destroyx, please hang in there. It really is a horrible condition that we have. It has affected my confidence and happiness for years. But try to think of what things can be like for you, when you finally get the better of this thing. And you know what, lots of people have issues. It's just that ours is more visible than other issues. Some people suffer from insecurities, phobias, depression etc but it is not always obvious to others. Then there are those who are doing it really tough... When I'm feeling really down, I think about other people who are worse off than me... People who are terminally ill... People in third world countries who are dying of starvation. Then I realise that, although it really sucks, we don't have it as bad as some. Thinking of you. You're definitely not alone. And we're listening if you ever want to talk/vent/whatever :) x
May 16, 2012

In reply to by L2012

I just don't want to live my life like this. I know other people have it worse, and I'd probably kill myself if I were in their situation too like woman with facial acid burns and things like that. I can't sleep over peoples houses, I can't get wet, I have to wash my face if I getsweaty and re-apply my makeup all the time. can't even have a boyfriend without feeling like a monster because of my skin. My arms are covered in circlular marks its disgusting and my face has a bunch of dents and miscolored spots. I have to bring make up everywhere I go. I feel like I'm hiding from the world which I am and I think it'd be easier to just leave it.
May 17, 2012

In reply to by destroyx

I understand what you're saying, and I know exactly how you feel. But please just stop and think about some of the good things in your life. Are you in good health? Do you have a loving family? Try to focus for a second on some positives. Even just little things that make you smile. Something I've learned is that people are more concerned with how they look than how other people look. If they can see that you're not comfortable with yourself, they're more likely to feel uncomfortable. If you're calm and just being kind to others, they won't be bothered about you having some marks on your skin. And as for the make up, I know it's a pain to always have to apply and reapply... But it's worth it if it makes you feel more confident around others. I've dealt with this condition for more than 15 years and I still believe I can overcome it one day. Hopefully sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I'm grateful for the good things in my life. Stay strong ok.
May 18, 2012

In reply to by destroyx

Im 19 soon and I felt exactly like you just a couple weeks ago. First of all I want you to remember that there's always going to be time to heal. It might take a long time but there will always be time, time will heal all. Right now I haven't picked for a couple of weeks. I've tried EVERYTHING to stop. The method that's worked best is probably the most challenging one. That method is not hiding. Wearing make up will only make your skin worse. My arms, chest and face have been covered in scabs since grade 11. I hid like you. I wore long sleeves, scarfs, and caked on the make up. For some reason recently I just thought fuck it. I've been riding my bike to the gym without make up and in just a t shirt everyday. I haven't worn a t shirt in about 3 years. At first it was scary as hell but then I don't know.. I convinced myself I'm tough. At the moment my arms are itching and the bathroom mirror is tempting me. But not hiding has been the greatest motivation. Being outside in a t shirt is the most amazing feeling. Please don't hide any more, good people will admire your strength ignorant people will judge. And you can judge them for being ignorant.
May 17, 2012
it will get better ! please believe me that it will get better. i was exactly in your position just a couple months ago. anytime i left the house i had to cake on the makeup, seriously, and it didnt make me look better.. i just felt (a little) better because no one could see the real me and thats what i was trying to keep from them. my face was literally BRIGHT RED, like nothing you have ever seen, from hyperpigmentation and more than half of the surface of it was scabs. i also used to pick at my bikini area so bad that i didnt want to have sex, and made such a horrible mess of my chest and back and legs and arms. looked like such a freak and hated myself so much, and sometimes after an intense picking session would feel just like you, like i didnt want to be in this world anymore, and sometimes that feeling would go on for days or weeks. people gave me the weirdest looks and sometimes random strangers would approach me and ask what happened to my face. when you stop picking or even just pick less it will amaze you how much you heal. please please please understand that if you let it, it will get better.
May 19, 2012
Destroyx, talk to someone. TALK TO SOMEONE right away. Find a sibling, a parent, a tutor, a friend, a counselling service, an ex-boyfriend, a flatmate, someone who you know loves you. A problem shared is a problem halved, and you need to brainstorm with someone on how to deal with this in a way that is right for you. I know nothing about you so I cant begin to know why you do this or what will help you stop : on this forum there are hundreds of posts by people in the same position as you with advice on how to manage the effects of CSP, but you also need to figure out how to deal with the cause. for this you need friends, and experts, and patience, and positivity! At least here we can give you positivity!

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