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Day 4: My Journey to Recovery
This morning I started off with me picking at a spot that had formed overnight underneath my right eyebrow. This is why plucking is so bad! Thankfully, because the spot isn't that big and is right underneath my eyebrow, it isn't that visible. I still have the two spots along my left brow bone that have scabbed up and thankfully I am not tempted to pick those. I am more concerned about the new hairs that will grow in because half of my problem starts with not fully plucking the odd hair. I don't think I would normally have such a problem, but because my hairs are so thick and dark, I think the follicles also tend to get infected more easily because it is an easy pathway for bacteria (even if the hair is plucked fully). I also know that I have some dry spots, but I have to keep reminding myself not to touch them because I would most likely be left with scabs if I tried to get rid of the dryness now. I finally feel comfortable looking at my skin in natural light, although I know it still looks FAR from perfect. It is better than the red wounds I had on day 1 though. One of the things that motivates me not to pick is remembering what my skin looked like on day 1. I NEVER want it to get that bad again because I almost died from disgust and embarrassment. I can live with dry skin, but I cannot live with that. My ultimate goal is to go to my bartending course this week without any makeup. I'm still not sure if I've mustered up enough courage yet, but I know it is best for my skin. When I used to pick my entire face, I used to cover up the spots with makeup which made things even worse. When I finally got to a place where I felt good not wearing makeup on my nose and chin, I stopped applying it. Since then, I've had the odd blemish, but it is never really big and I refuse to cover it up. I am grateful because I have very resilient skin. Somehow, even after picking at my skin for years, I am left with no scarring. I have a friend who had acne all throughout her high school years (and still struggles now), and she has a lot of scarring. The strange thing is she was one of those people who didn't apply makeup and didn't pick at any of her blemishes. I feel I should have been the one left with scarring. Anyways, my posts are always longer than I intend for them to be, so I will let you know what happens tomorrow. Wish me luck! I am praying I can walk out of the door saying screw wearing makeup.
May 28, 2012
I feel like such a failure. :( Everything was good until I noticed one little spot, and then I progressed to destroying my eyes. It's still not as bad as it was before, but now I'm stuck with a bunch of little red marks. Why in the hell do I do this to myself? I am more than just upset, I am angry with myself, furious in fact. I didn't give my boyfriend my tweezers on friday like I said I was going to and I should have! I don't care how I feel, the next time I see him the tweezers are his. Tomorrow when I have to go to my bartending course I am going to suck it up and go as I am. I will make up a story about a bad waxing incident and go from there. I don't want to explain the real problem, but to hell if they see the mess I've made. I hate this and it is eating me up inside. At least if I don't wear makeup I have accountability. I'm going to be seeing the same 4 people all week so that's only 4 people who can really have an opinion on my appearance. Do I care what they think? When it comes down to it I could really care less. I am doing this for me not for them. I am doing this so I am happy with my life. If I am not happy I can't make my boyfriend happy and that is not okay with me. I am so sick of this. I am sorry for the rant, but I needed to get out my frustration.
May 28, 2012
Hey don't beat yourself up about the relapse- we've all been there and all struggled in our road to recovery otherwise we wouldn't be here in the site. I always struggle so hard to forgive myself for what I've done to my face but what's done is done and we can't change it. I'm in a terrible place right now as I have been off work for a week and so really went to town on my face thinking I was safe and no one would see me however I have to go back to work today and I am left with the consequences of my picking on my face. Large red area on chin. Not weeping anymore which is great but very noticeable red dry patch. Very ugly and quite obvious that I have done it too myself. Not exactly sure how I will get through a whole day at work but I have no option. Make up will make it look 10 times worse ( I know from experience). Wish I could be strong like u and not care what people think and not care myself but I care way too much and will instead spend all day stressed out about it and obsessing over what people must think. On the positive side I have gone 36 hours without picking and I would never risk picking at work so I'm really hoping to make it to 48 hours! Good luck and don't look backwards look forwards to further success. Good luck. Vix