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Sarah-108 , 29 May 2012

My Journey to Recovery

To start with, I have decided to post all of my updates on one page from now on. I figure it will be easier to track my progress that way. Today is day 5 of my journey to stop picking. I had a bad day yesterday and all I wanted to do was cry after I was done mutilating my face. My skin under my eyebrows was a mess afterwards. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I can't let that happen again. So far I have managed 22 hours without picking. I find I wash my face too much, so now that I am home I am not even going to bother. I have already washed it enough for a day and not washing one night won't kill me. I know I will be tempted to pick. I have REALLY big news for everyone though. I went to my bartending course today WITHOUT makeup! Yes, I did make up a huge story about a bad waxing experience however, but no one treated or looked at me differently and I was in a bright florescent room. It made me feel better having people think I didn't do all of the damage to myself. I feel I can let my eyes heal even if the dryness shows because the people I will be around for the next week have an understanding. I usually get very anxious about going out, but not that that anxiousness is gone for the next week I feel I can do some real healing to my skin. I just need to give it time. I'm always under the impression that everything will look better after I pick it even though I know that isn't true. It's hard when I feel like I will be stuck with the dryness forever unless I pick it off. I just need to give my skin enough time to heal and all of the ugliness I've caused will go away. I think I will always struggle with this, but once I get a decent hold of everything, and my skin looks normal, I won't want to go back to my eyes looking like crap. I can't hide away forever, so happiness here I come!
8 Answers
vix
May 29, 2012
Congratulations on attending your course make up free! U should be very proud. I'm at work now make up less and it's still tough but maybe a little easier than yesterday as most people I work with have already seen the mess on my face. It doesn't look much better today even though the scab is smaller but the area around it is still very red and it feels sore. We really need to just keep fighting the urge to pick and our skin will definitely heal itself because that is what it's designed to do. Keep staying strong.
Sarah-108
May 29, 2012

In reply to by vix

Thanks Vix :) It was not easy by any means. I literally left my house at the last minute so I wouldn't have time to back down and put on makeup. As I was driving downtown all I could think was what the hell am I doing?! Apparently my eyes were pretty bad though. People were shocked when they thought my eyes looked the way they did because of a "waxing gone wrong." Obviously I knew that wasn't the reason they looked so bad, but just by the amount of shock I got I knew that my eyes looked horrible. That has motivated me hugely to not pick. I can't go to my course with a re-picked eye area because that would just be way too obvious. My eyes are going to heal the natural way and that it that! I'm actually thinking about threading my eyebrows instead of waxing after my eyes have healed because I've heard that it works really well. People say it hurts, but I swear my eyebrow area is so numb after years of torture that I'll never feel it. One of the reasons I decided to post right now is because I felt a moment of weakness when I was getting ready for today. I have an hour and 20 min. until I have to be in town and I was SO tempted to just pick everything off (starting with one small spot that was bugging me). I then reminded myself that my eyes have not fully healed and that that was the worst thing I could do to myself right now. I want to make it to the 48 hour mark tonight! I am already feeling proud of myself again and I don't want to ruin that. It's funny though, before I decided to pick I also thought of you and this board and how much I want to succeed at beating this. Today has actually been a really good day for me, and to top it all off, my boyfriend got a job that he has been waiting awhile for. It seems like both of our lives are turning around. I know it will take awhile to get my feet off the ground, but I have put myself in a very good position for the future which makes me feel good about life again.
vix
May 29, 2012

In reply to by Sarah-108

Well done again for today. Every day we go without picking is a step closer to that clear skin we all wish for. And another day our skin is allowed to breathe and do what it is designed to do. Congratulations to your boyfriend on the job- sounds like things r going well and if you can just stay strong and stay away from picking things will be even better. I've found that stayin away from the mirror had helped loads and coming on this forum too. I've been coming here every time I felt the urge to pick over the last few days and I don't know if it's made any difference but u do know i haven't picked so it might be helping. I'm from the UK so we do have completely different timezones! My skin is so itchy today so I'm going to sleep early too to stop from scratching, but do far so good. 77 hours and counting. Didn't feel able to wash the red area on my face as I too am afraid of drying it out too much - i'll see how it gets tomorrow. Take care, stay strong.
Sarah-108
May 30, 2012

In reply to by vix

It's always nice to come home at the end of the day to see a post from you. I know my eyes have been crazy itchy too. I find if I'm at home and I feel like scratching I will sleep to prevent myself from doing damage and if I'm out in public I NEVER pick. I am not one of those people who absent-mindedly picks in public. If I know people will see me I stop myself. I was told that my eyes look better today so that was pretty motivating. I have to go to the mall and see my instructor tomorrow so I know I won't be picking tonight. I also won't be washing my face because I know what will happen if I start that routine. I've decided I'm going to get my eyebrows threaded after they're done healing. The lady running my course this week is going to give me a number for a girl she knows is good. I'm really hoping that will help. I am going to give my boyfriend my tweezers on Saturday even though I've been good about not using them. I know I'm going to want to pluck as soon as I can feel the hairs when I rub my finger along the bottom of my brow line. It gets me every time and it's not like I can pluck with my fingers! I am almost at 47 hours, so after tonight I will be past 2 days! That is really good for me! I have not touched a single hair or picked anything. By not washing my skin as much I can't see the dryness yet, just the scabs which are mostly clear. I will be happy if I can get through tomorrow without any visible dryness, but since thursday will be my last day in front of people, I won't mind if I can see it a little bit because I know I will get friday to myself. I am guessing that will be the day everything will fall off easily. I can't wait because then my eyes will look 1000 times better! Take care and I look forward to seeing your update tomorrow. :)
Sarah-108
May 31, 2012
Day 7: I went through a bit of a rough patch yesterday. I woke up around 4am and was drawn to the bathroom mirror. At that time, I ended up picking the scabs off my right eyebrow, but left the left one alone. That was until yesterday evening. I was quite disappointed that I didn't wait until Friday to let the scabs fall off mostly on their own. The only good news I have is that when I did pick the scabs off, most of the healing underneath was done. As of right now my eyes have started scabbing up again in a few spots, but the scabs are not overly noticeable except for one that dried dark red. I hate when that happens because those scabs are a lot more noticeable. I also plucked after I had picked. Thankfully I didn't get any ingrown hairs because sometimes I am not careful enough grabbing the individual hairs, and at other times I try to pluck hairs that are barely through the skin. This causes them to become infected and is usually followed by picking. I have come to the conclusion that I probably won't be able to give up plucking until my eyebrows have healed. I have just learned that I shouldn't pluck everyday because this irritates my skin too much. Maybe every 4 days or so would be good because my eyebrow hairs are so course and dark. All I know is I won't be plucking or picking until these final scabs are ready to come off. It's funny, but the red pimple I have beside my nose is bothering me more than my eyes! I don't get acne anymore, but I'm pretty sure I know what caused the huge blemish I have. That area of skin was fairly dry not long ago and I remember using my fingers the scratch it skin off. I think I just clogged a pore so that's my own fault. I know my skin might not be perfect on Saturday, but I know that I am close to the final stages of healing, so I will be going out to the cabin for my brother's birthday and I will be seeing my boyfriend. I just hope that by Sunday night that the few scabs I do have will be ready to come off. I want to feel pretty when I go to my management class on Monday because no one there has seen me when my eye area is clear. I still remember that lady in my class asking me what happened to my eye. When I see her next I want the mess that was there before to be something of the past!
Sarah-108
June 07, 2012
I believe this is day 13 of my journey. I have been feeling really guilty lately for not posting any updates so here it is... I have not had a full relapse, but I have most definitely had half of one. One of my eyebrow areas looks okay, but is still a little dry, and the other I made a complete mistake with. :S I decided it was a good idea to pluck and then mow the lawn with sunglasses on... Combined with a hot day comes sweating and it irritated the heck out of my skin. I don't think I can begin to describe how many spots I had under my eye the next day. Since that day I have been picking at the mess that was made, but I gave up picking it yesterday at 3pm (precise I know!). I wasn't expecting to see my boyfriend yesterday, but since he just started a new job, they want him to work out of town for 20 days. I have a feeling he'll be working 3 weeks out 1 week in for awhile, so that'll be a little rough. Knowing I won't see him until the 27th I let him know that my face was a bit of a mess and that I was a little embarrassed. Of course he told me to stop because he knows how upset it makes me. Anyways, I told him I would come over on one condition and that was that he took all of my tweezers away. Long story short I left my tweezers there. :( I know I shouldn't be so upset about that, but as of right now I still have 2 important plans this week. Tomorrow I have to get the tattoo I got done in March touched up, and Saturday, when I feel my skin will be at it's driest, I have to bartend at a small club. I usually pick off the dry spots (which I know isn't good), but I just wish I could make my skin look a little less dry for the rest of the week. It's only been 31 hours and I can already see the spots that are flaking a bit. I'm currently not working, but I have evening classes every monday and wednesday so I can knock off one of my nursing electives this summer. I have a feeling I will be missing my classes next week because I need at least a week to myself to let this heal! I never get a week where I don't have to go out so this is rare for me. And guess what?! No tweezers = no plucking. That is the root of my problem because I cause irritation to my skin. I am going out of town on the 22nd for an event I can't really wear makeup for, so I am praying I can clear up my face enough to go and get my eyebrows waxed on the 20th. I know this whole post is full of rambling, but these are the thoughts I'm having. This is the only place I can get everything out and I know the average person would think that I'm crazy, insane even. When I read my posts over I can't believe what I'm writing myself. How can I have such a ridiculous problem that has taken me this long to try to get a hold of? I am ashamed of dermatillomania because this is not a disease (and I do believe it is one) that I can explain the anyone. I keep all of this bottled up and it's got to stop here and now. The moment something affects the things you do in your life is the moment it becomes a serious problem.
Sarah-108
June 08, 2012
It's day 15 and I'm doing okay. I woke up in the middle of the night however to find pieces of one of my scabs (under one eyebrow) falling off. Yes, I made the mistake of helping the scab along by picking it off, but it all came off easily with new skin underneath. I don't think the skin will scab over again. There was one spot that looked like a really small whitehead with some redness around it underneath one of the scabs, but it's not an open wound and will heal quite fast I think. The only thing that bugs me about that eye right now is a spot that's a little red, but isn't too sore, and is like a hard ball under my skin that isn't very visible. I don't know what it is, but I get them sometimes and they jut go away on their own. What I think is really going to help me is that I can't pluck the hairs I see because I don't have my tweezers. I have a feeling I will be able to go in and get my eyebrows waxed by June 20th. The skin under my other eyebrow is still drying up nicely, but there is one spot right along my eyebrow line that is starting to show visible signs of peeling. I just hope I can leave it alone until Saturday night because after that I won't care so much as I don't have to see anyone all week. It is extremely hard for me to allow a whole bunch of course dark hairs (that are growing straight up like stubble) to grow, but I want to get to the point where they all grow in at roughly the same time so I can get a waxing routine started. I am a little worried about waxing due to the fact I've picked my eyebrow area for years. I don't think anything is wrong with the integrity of my skin, but I won't get them waxed unless I am 100% positive the skin is completely healed. If I go in and they think threading would be better for my eyebrows, I will do that instead. I just don't want my skin to be pulled off with the wax. It sounds horrible, but it happens to people who are on accutane or retin A and such... Anyways, I will continue posting about my progress and I have my fingers crossed that everything will be healed in a weeks time. :)
Sarah-108
June 09, 2012
Today is day 16 and I'm beginning to feel good about the future. I didn't pick yesterday because the tattoo touch up appointment I was supposed to have on Thursday got pushed back to yesterday. I didn't want to wear makeup to my appointment so I was very careful not to touch anything. I was also pretty proud of myself because I haven't seen a lot of my friends from school lately and last night I got up the courage to go to a birthday barbecue for 2 friends of mine. There was a lot of people there, but while I was there I remembered everyone loves me for me and that none of my friends have ever judged me. I feel I will be able to bartend with some confidence tonight, although I'm going to wear minimal makeup. I know my scabs aren't too visible now, but I have a feeling makeup will just bring out the dryness. I keep reminding myself that I can have the whole week by myself to heal if I can just get through tonight. I haven't picked under my one eyebrow for 90 hours, and the other for 30 hours. The one that I haven't picked for 30 hours has scabs that are barely visible though because when I picked them off they were ready. What bothers me more than ANYTHING right now is looking at all of the little black hairs popping up. I have never gone without plucking, but I am trying to remind myself that if I let them grow out I can get them all waxed off at once. I want them to all grow in at the same time instead of popping up sporadically so that they are easier to wax. I think getting most of the hairs to grow in at the same time would help significantly! I will get through tonight and I will succeed this week. I will be the happiest person in the world if I can show off a perfect complexion to my boyfriend when he comes home on the 27th. He knows how much this bothers me and I know he wants me to stop, but I don't think he knows how much effort I'm putting in to getting through this issue right now. I did give him my tweezers before he left though so I suppose that shows some initiative. :P

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