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pride97 , 03 Jul 2012

where to start....

I don't even know where to start. I've been picking my scabs for as long as I can remember. I'm sure I got "yelled" at as a child to stop. Now as an adult I pick in private. My arms are covered (and I mean covered) with scars. I've now got some lovely ones on my left leg. It is like everyone else has said, I get this intense urge to pick and when I do I feel relief. After the relief I get upset that I couldn't control myself and picked the scab off. Other times I'm completely happy that I picked it off, especially if it was brown and disgusting looking, because to me the open skin looks so much better than an ugly brown thing on my body. I also suffer from trich. I began pulling my eyebrows, due to stress, when I was 13. I only pulled a small section out, nothing too noticeable. When I got home though my grandmother, god bless her, decided that my "bushy" eyebrows needed to go by the wayside and went to work. You don't want to admit that it feels good having stuff pulled from your body. Plus, I thought the actual eyebrows (with the bulbs and everything) were cool looking. While I didn't (and don't) eat them I did touch them (and do still). My eyebrows were gone within two days, completely gone. I'm now 33 and have been without eyebrows for 20 years. God knows I would love them back. I would give just about anything to have them back. I can handle the scars on my arms and legs if I could just have my eyebrows back. My problem is that 1. they grow back extremely slow and I'm incredibly impatient and 2. when they do grow back, they have lost all pigment as I have pulled for 20 years and 3. some will never grow back due to the damage I have caused to the follicles. I try not to let it get to me but it definitely affects how I see myself. I don't consider myself pretty because of the missing eyebrows. I don't just pull my eyebrows, I have used tweezers to pull arm, leg and pubic hair. I tend to focus on the pubic hair as it isn't noticeable. I justify pulling down there because "no one will see it". When I get the urge, I try to pull from the pubic instead of my eyebrows. It is so uncomfortable admitting this, even if it is on a forum to complete strangers. I have also been known to pull dead skin off my lips. This began when I was 15, right after I had jaw surgery (essentially my jaw was broken and the bottom was moved forward and rewired). After the surgery, my face was beyond swollen (I called myself a bloated chipmunk). My lips became covered with dry skin, when I pulled it off, they felt so much better (they were severely chapped after the surgery). While I try to keep my lips pretty hydrated (with lip gloss), I have pulled at my chapped lips. I did this more often when I lived in Arizona, as it is incredibly dry there. When I moved to North Carolina I did it less often. I wish I could stop picking my scabs and pulling my hair like I was able to stop picking at my chapped lips! I know these OCD tendencies in me are genetic. My mom is also a skin picker. She would pick at her cuticles. OMG from the time I was a child until about 5-7 years ago, her cuticles were a mess. Bloodly and ripped up. The only reason she was able to stop picking at them is because she constantly has on fake nails. But man on man when she gets those suckers off, for any short period of time, she is back at her cuticles. It is tough because I have tried to get my parents to understand what I am suffering with. You would think that my mom would understand, but instead she gets mad at me when she sees that I pick or pull or whatever, yet she does it herself! Now that I've moved, it is even tougher. I'm stressed out hoping that my transfer comes through, otherwise I'll be back at a school with a principal who doesn't like me and made my life a living hell last school year. But if my transfer does come through I'm in a location with my family, but no friends and no support. At least in my previous city I had friends and there was a Trich/skin pick support group about an hour away, I have nothing here. Heck, I wouldn't even know where to start to find a therapist to talk to! Thanks for "listening". It has felt pretty good to get this off my chest. On a positive note, I found out today that I'm going to be an auntie to a nephew. I am very excited about this.

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