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I need help, and FAST!!
I have struggled with picking at my face, since I was in my teens. Thats when I remember it starting, is when I was about 16, 17 years old. I never had bad acne as a teen, but I would get in the mirror, start obsessing, and pick at my skin. Through the years ive created many scars on my face, and its so hard to look at them in the mirror. They are a reminder of the many mistakes ive made- not just from picking at my face, but also so many other aspects of my life. It had been a while since I had picked at my face, and here in the past 6, 7 months, I've started picking again. There are alot of things going on in my life, that are extremely stressful, and I know that this has alot to do with WHY i've started this nasty habit back up. This past Monday night I had so much on my mind, and there is a spot on the lower left portion of my face- located to the left of my chin...anyways, when I was like 13, I was bit by a dog in that spot, and it left a scar. Since then, when it came time to pick, alot of times, I chose that spot, b/c it felt irregular and bumpy to me. Monday night, I was in the mirror, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I began to pick at that spot, yet once again....only this time, I picked at it WAY worse than I ever have before. Not only did I pick at this particular spot, I picked at almost the same exact area, only on the opposite side of my face/ chin... along with 12 OTHER areas that I caused damage to. I am absolutely disgusted with my behaivor, and feel like I could just crawl in a hole and die. These wounds are by far the biggest, and most gruesome ive ever inflicted upon myself. The two main one's, the biggest one's, are the two I mentioned first- located on the left and right, lower, chin portions of my face--- I now have open fleshy pink wounds, the size of dimes. On my cheeks, BOTH sides of my face, I have picked smaller, but none the less BAD places there as well... they too are open, pink and fleshy looking. On either sides of my nose, kind of directly across from the corners of my eyes, I've picked matching dot sized marks there--- they both look red, swollen, and have scabbed over. On the top of my forehead, on the left side, ive picked a good sized dot that goes into my hair line....and there are so many OTHER little dot size picks, that all HAD little scabs on them, but now look pink and fleshy. I could go ON and ON about the size, appearance, and location of the many marks I made the other night--- but its only further causing me to get up (as im typing this) and go look in the mirror, to obsess some more, and feel even MORE depressed. I am LOST and dont know WHAT TO DO....I started a new job last weekend, and this job requires looking your best- you know, make-up, hair, outfit, the whole get-up, and I was so excited about having made good money last weekend, and as soon as the weekend was over with- I DO THIS SHIT, TO MY FACE??!!! It's almost like there is something in my head, that subconsciencely does not want to see my happy, or see me succeed. I have stayed in the house since that dredful night that I destroyed my face (as if it wasnt messed up enough already, with the MANY, MANY scars I have, from all these years of picking.) It was last Monday night that I did all of this, and here it is Sunday afternoon--tomorrow will make a WEEK since the crime was committed, and it seems as if nothing has healed, and that they look the same as they did, when I first put em there. I googled so many different sentences about HOW I could possibly make them heal faster, what to do about the scars, and so on and so on.... thats when I found this site. I've been reading alot of different people's stories, and am relieved to know that there are SO many other people out there, that have the exact same compulsions, habit and problem, with picking their skin. Its like at the time, that im doing it, im convinced that I HAVE to finish it, I have to get it ALL out (even though there rarely is anything to get out, except flesh and blood,) and when its all done and over with, im miserable, b/c my face looks like it has been attacked by wild animals. So- here's my MAIN concern, plea, and question: when I first came to this site, before having made my own screen name and all- I read alot of different posts, and kept reading about calamine lotion. I gave it a try, and will say this- it definately covers the spot up, and atleast helps disguise it, so that its not so heartbreaking, when I look in the mirror every FIVE MINUTES- but what I dont understand is HOW exactly its supposed to help, in shortening the healing time??!! Ive globbed it on, for the past 3 or 4 nights, and honestly, it seems like its made my skin crack even more, and then bleed....all of the marks had developed scabs over them, and I made sure that when I washed my face, that I didnt scrub hard, or pull the scabs off--- its been almost a week, and the scabs have come off of the BIG, HUGE, unsightly marks on my lower chin area, and the cheek area (now that I inspect it even more, I see that the mark on the right cheek area, is actually on my cheek bone, but the opposite, left sided cheek area mark isnt really on my cheek, but directly beside my nose, not that it matters, just sayin.....) and ive continued putting calamine on them, but after it dries, and as time passes, and I get ready to wash it off, to either apply more, or clean it with hydrogen peroxide and neosporin, it seems to make my skin crack, and bleed in little spots. I am losing my mind here--- as you all can see, im caking my face with calamine, neosporin, and hyrdogen peroxide- even got my dad to go and buy me a 30 dollar, or more, tube of mederma, for the scars-- he had to pick it out, and purchase it FOR ME, b/c I absolutely refuse to be seen in public like this. I dont know what to do--- The new job that I had JUST started not this past weekend, but the weekend before--- I called out, and didnt work this past Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, as I was scheduled to do-- I called the boss and told him I was sick with strep throat and bronchitis-- here it is, Sunday, ALREADY, and I have so much coming up this week--- Thursday I have to meet with my probation officer, and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (which im not thrilled about, but atleast hoping to get some answers and share with him whats been going on with me, again, since I never thought that this was a psychological disorder, before I came to websites, such as this one.) I've been diagnosed with BiPolar, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder. I stopped taking my anit-depressants recently, b/c I was worried that the combination of both the anti-depressants, and my medication for ADHD was making me too wired, and unable to eat. Now, this has happened, and I have to wonder if not having my medication has been a direct result of this tragedy ive caused on my face. Not only do I have those two VERY important appointments Thursday, im also supposed to go back to work Thursday evening as well--- I cannot, and WILL NOT go to work, lookin the way I do right now, and I fear that there is not enough time between now and Thursday for my face to even heal up enough, to be able to cover it with makeup. Right now, makeup makes it look so shitty- it just cakes on, and its so obvious that there is scabs and uneven open skin, underneath. Plus, I dont want to even try a trial run with the makeup, too much right now, b/c I dont want to infect it, that is if its not ALREADY infected....SO PLEASE HELP ME--- has the calamine lotion helped me at all, or is it causing me more problems? I just dont know what to say about it, b/c I dont have any idea how LONG something like this should take to heal- I know how long it has taken, for all the little dot size picks to go away, about a week, but these big ass marks, that were huge scabs and now look like raw meat, I have no clue about. I'D LOVE to believe that the calamine has helped me so far, but Im just not sure, b.c of the crackling of the skin, when I tried to remove it, as softly and lightly as I could....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS, ADVICE, EXPERIENCE AND HOPE. Im really losing it here, and im almost convinced that im going to lose my job, b/c I will not have the courage to step foot in there, if I cant get some results, and SOON!!!! Im willing to try anything- just hope that it works, and fast...I know that there is only SO MUCH you can do, with these kind of things, b/c it takes TIME, to HEAL.... maybe I didnt leave the lotion on long enough> I left it on overnight one night, and then left it on during the day, but kinda kept adjusting it, by adding more, and then washing it off, before bed, or first thing after waking up. IF ANYONE COULDNT NOTICE ALREADY, BY MY ERRATIC TYPING, AND LONG DRAWN OUT MESSAGE- LET ME TELL YOU- IM SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK HERE, at the thought of losing a job, that I just got. The worst part, is the scarring- the scarring is going to be horrible, I just know it, and in my heart of hearts, I know that I will NEVER look the same, again. This time I just went too far..... I cant believe Ive completely destroyed my face--- and for what???!!!! Okay, im starting to cry now, and have to stop typing. The letters and numbers are becoming blurry on the keyboard, b/c the tears are rolling out of my eyes, like a storm. Please help me...Im begging, pleading, wishing, hoping and PRAYING that somehow I get through this, and that I ATLEAST make it through this work weekend, and then, I will go from there..... THANK YOU, AND GOD BLESS. ************Mad Maddie*****************
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