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lauren. , 11 Sep 2012

My Story

I am now 17 years old. I've been picking for as long as I can remember. It started with scabs anywhere on my body, I would continue to re-pick them until they became scars. My parents noticed and they would yell at me; thus began the art of hiding my growing compulsion. Then puberty hit, and so did the acne. The sad thing is I've never actually had bad acne. I just never knew any better. I saw bumbs on my skin and I picked them. The white puss that would come out pleased me. It was satisfying. But a few months later, my habit progressed to my back; and later my chest. I picked at my back the worst because I could hid it. Even at the beach my long hair concealed the evidence. It was all so easy. That's until my obsession got worse. I wasn't picking at obvious bumbs anymore. I was scanning my face inches from the mirror looking for any imperfection. I would twist my body so I could look upclose to my back as well. I would spend hours in the bathroom. And I had no problem with it, removing all the foreign gunk from my skin was all so satisfying. But soon I began to notice the redness left behind after a session infront of the mirror. The scabs, the scars, the open wounds, and the indented lines from where i used my nails. I became horrified. Makeup was an easy solution. I began to wear makup in the 7th grade. And lots of it. I can only imagine now how I looked. 13 year old me slobbing on foundation where ever my face wasnt perfect. I still remember one day in math class when a boy came up to me and said "I can see your makeup". But everthing was still okay, cause in my head I didn't have a problem. I liked picking. I would literally wake up, pick my face, put on makeup, go to school, come home, pick my face, take a shower, and put on makeup. I wouldnt even let my own parents see my bare face. I couldn't tell you how many times I washed my face a day. Now that I look back, if only I had wanted to stop; I could have fixed my routine and my face would have cleared up no problem. The scars would of been long faded by now. Here I am now. Still picking. Ive wanted to stop now for a couple years. I couldn't take how I felt about my appearence any more and I knew stopping was the answer. But it's so hard. I began to reseach a year ago and this site make me realize in not alone. It also made me realize just how hard it is to stop picking. The last thing I want is to be 25 or 30 and still destroying my body. The good thing is Im better now. Im not 100% but I have stopped picking at my back and chest. My face is my biggest problem. I cant go a week without touching it. And a couple days ago after my face looked so good, I destroyed it. This is by far the worst one yet, and Im going to have bad scars. But I have help now. I finally told my parents about a month ago and I told my boyfriend yesterday. They were all so reasuring and helpful. The thing is, they dont find it as weird and disgusting as I thought they would. And I feel better now that I can talk to people. Im going to start behavioral therapy soon and im looking forward to it. I also hope to see a dermatologist soon to help revive my complexion. But therapy comes first. The problem isnt my face, its me. The way I think needs to get help first. I believe I will stop picking. I dont want to be depressed anymore and I want to feel like I can do anything whenever I want and not be locked in the house after a bad day. This is my life, and I cant waste it on this.
1 Answer
September 12, 2012
i feel ya, sister ! haha. but seriously, i am 18 and i used to be afraid i would just waste away feeling like crap about myself because of my picking. for the past several months my picking has been only on my face, and the scars on other places on my body are now few and far apart.. and tiny and super light pink.. no one notices but me. my face is quite a mess though ! serious pigmentation scarring everywhere except my nose and around my eyes and i have some depressed scars in my cheeks. sometimes i look at my face and start crying and just think to myself that its not even worth it to try to quit anymore because the damage ive done is so irreversable, those times are just moments of weakness though ! when i think that way i am so beyond WRONG. i have so much potential to heal, and even maybe in a year or so be comfortable going out in public makeup-less.. my picking also started young and i too have caked my face in makeup since the 7th grade !!! but anyways, to get to the point.. a few days ago i decided that i have been trying to quit picking for a while now, and its my turn to succeed. its in my control and im just done with it ! its time to heal and live my life, and i cant wait till im all healed up (: it makes me so happy to think that theres no more relapsing for me, just healing and moving forward because i am in control and thats what im choosing to do ! im 2 days free from picking and ive got the rest of my life to go (: good luck to you (: (:

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