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mirrormirror , 16 Feb 2013


Been out of the technological loop for too long. Oh well, trying never hurt! :) Think I'm about to throw my preferred skin-destroying tweezers as far as my little arm can deep into woods. Hope I don't get desperate and go tweezer hunting like a frantic mad woman!!! I do have 2 other tweezers that could easily do damage too I suppose. Perhaps a small symbolic action, a skin picking recovery-in-motion ceremony, to kick things off. Gotta start somewhere on the road to getting to a better place than where I am today. Once upon a time, I possessed solid confidence and functionality. Nowadays I'm lucky to force myself to get out of the house even for a Walmart trip or grocery shopping. Friendships are being affected, some likely close to lost all together now. And new friends--yeah right. About 10 years ago, that is prior to my accident, I was a beautiful (now easier to see myself as and say), high spirited, had a blindingly bright future ahead of me, held so much potential and promise to be a strong and capable woman....... Where does time go?!! I'll be 55 before I know it and I'll look back and wonder how I could've been so self-destructive and denied myself the power to believe I deserve certain things. So why not find some damn direction and go for it ya know. My son turns 2 in April. Dylan. Words can not describe how amazing he is. My new found understanding of a Mother's love makes "unconditional" love look like a sissy. Unfortunately, this disorder sure puts a dent in my stability as a mother, more than anything maybe ever has. My time spent in the mirror pulverizing my face (and sometimes other body parts) undeniably takes away from sooo many better things I could be truly enjoying. Instead of wallowing in my own self-disgust and carving my outward appearance to reflect how I feel inside. I don't know what to do. I am quite often late for appointments or anywhere I should be even close to punctual all because of this. Sometimes miss obligations and invitations and hell any event is possible to miss all together due to my inability to cease my obsession and compulsion. Then I subsequently have to lie for why that is. I'm like ducking and diving when I see somebody I know, praying I do NOT run into anyone. Sunlight and daytime both have a new meaning now: YOU are exposing yourself to society! BEWARE! Pretty much wrecking havoc on every aspect of my life right now. Definitely adds more weight to any thoughts of suicide, well really just simply disappearing like poof I never existed! I hear my son call me from another room when I am in mirror doing shamefully embarrassing things and immediately my heart breaks into a trillion pieces, shatters just like I want to do to that damn mirror. He is learning, absorbing and retaining this visual information. His quickly developing brain is trying to make sense of why mommy constantly has "bad bobos" her face and picks LITERALLY nonstop in one way or another. Why I keep on staring and continuing my "quest" at times when he is saying my name trying to get my attention. How can I be so selfish?? What the hell is wrong with me? Ya know, I know without doubt I am a sincerely good person. My soul or my spirit is warm and strong. I was blessed with an intelligent mind. Just wish my willpower would step it up a few notches so I can overcome this struggle. I pray that as many of you all as imaginable makes positive progress tomorrow. And maybe even the day after will be a success. It is !00% a **one day at a time** deal. Is there a 12 step for Derm?! Lol just curious. Well..... Going to enjoy a rare night free! RELAX yourselves and your fingers, people! We CAN do this thing!! Hey if I just use this whole forum deal merely as a venting journal of sorts, that's okay by me!

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