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MissyRLG , 25 Feb 2013

So ashamed of myself right now - Intro

Hi, I'm 30. A little history on me. When I was a kid I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused by both parents and by family friends. My mother had Munchausens by Proxy and managed to get me put on dexamphetamine from 9-15 - high doses thanks to a psychiatrist who should have been kicked off the register many years before he finally was. Yet at the same time I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, go figure - hyperactive and unable to get out of bed??!! I also had twisted and super stretchy joints and limbs, and a multitude of allergies. It took til last year to actually find out what was wrong - Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility type). This has caused numerous problems - tachycardia, multiple limb and joint surgeries, autonomic system issues, loss of a baby and fertility, daily chronic pain, fatigue, bruising, osteoporosis, arthritis....... and a combo of having no collagen and thin skin plus loads of meds = LOTS of weird acne. Not normal zits. These pop up like blisters throughout the day, and ARE visible and do grow if unpopped. They are attached to nerve endings and extremely painful. Only releasing the pore reduces the pain. Until yesterday, I thought I was just well, getting rid of them. Psychologically, I have PTSD, anxiety and bipolar II. I am very high functioning and in a high powered and stressful career path. 24 hours of research after I stumbled onto this site and others has given me a lightbulb 'a ha' moment. My pattern of 'skin picking' is different than most on here, because a. I 'pick' these obvious to everyone even my drs blister things that come up - I am not deluded about the state of my skin, and b. I do not dig and mutilate myself - I just pop the top and leave them. But now looking back, I do think I have a problem here. It started with chewing my hands to bits at around 7 after I was sexually abused at night. My delightful mother responded to this by tying my hands to the bed. So I chewed my toes. I picked my nose til it bled. Occasionally I still do this. As I grew things became worse and worse. I had no nails left and my cuticles bled. I pulled my hair out. I was obsessed with the dark hair on my arms. Most of my teenage and young adult years I shaved everything, upper lip to little toe. It was part of my PTSD - I HAD to feel clean, completely clean... I couldnt handle any 'dirt' on my body. Once the acne arrived, I began my permanent obsession. I cant count how many hours I have spent in the bathroom mirror squishing every blister/zit I can find. Lately, things have been stressful and I have combined smoking a cigarette outside on the deck with pulling my sleeves up and attacking my upper arms. I cant remember ever wearing a tank top. Ever. Over the years, I have also sole of feet picked. I still bite the inside of my cheeks and lower lip and create ulcers. I am obsessed with having clean ears and use cotton buds every day. I do zone out when I get into my 'zit trance' - it seems to be associated with my disassociation issues. Luckily I am obsessed enough with my appearance to not go too crazy, but underneath the perfect outfits and makeup, I am hiding many many red lumps, and a new crop of blister/zits to pop that come up by the hour. Thank goodness I dont dig, or eat..... my heart goes out to those of you who do - it must be a terrible compulsion. Just being obsessed with popping the heads of every single blister/zit/whatevertheyare is hard enough. I'd really love to talk more with those of you who identify. I feel so ashamed right now, and I dont know how to stop. If I stop, I WILL be covered in blisters, and I will be in pain. I really do feel like I have legitimate cause to pop these things, but I am also now very aware of the obvious psychological link to what I am doing. Anyone got any advice? Rach

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