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potatoes , 03 Mar 2013

Just an analytical note to myself.

I've started picking at my worst back at the start of 2011. Throughout the year I would go through repeated lapses when I believed I had stopped for good. The problem is when my skin gets better, I really forget the painful feeling of how much I had suffered going through it and how much weeks were wasted. I forget that it is not just a simple spot that I was picking but the actual pain it had caused me mentally and physically. I literally just forget and even when my skin was actually looking better, I was still unhappy as I find it hard to forgive myself of the scars I had produced on my face. Working vigorously and at times obsessively thinking how to achieve lovely skin. When I pick again and it looking so bad, I realise how in comparison, that my skin was decent than how I've made it. I go through times in my life when I feel so confident and then the next, I put myself back down again by hiding away from damaging myself. I am so frustrated how I forget. I should know by now and by scratching, squeezing, let alone using a sharp tool will ultimately cause an infection and open sores and to top it off scarring, discolouration and wasted weeks and lack of self confidence. Back in 2011, I had lost a relationship due to this problem I had, and even though I thought it was the worst thing ever, I am glad that I was not with that person anymore. Sometimes, we need to believe that sometimes, things and destiny happens for a reason. Even though I shortly had stopped picking for a while, I had met someone else, and lo' and behold! I had gone back to a relapse yet did something even worse and scraped a compass down my cheek when a spot was, yes, a compass! Which I know was incredibly mad. I know what was wrong and is wrong, yet it did not stop my tendency to do something as mad as that. Yet it seems as self harm yet I never or will never think about cutting my wrists or anything like that. I feel like sometimes my life is like a race against time especially when seeing the same people on most occasions, it's like I've already set that pressure on myself to try and look better each time. I feel mainly because I've never feel like I have suddenly blossomed through my time yet or gone through that obvious transition from a girl to a woman. I was always that dorky kid who's short with no breasts, bad skin and braces. When the braces were off at the age of 20 and skin improved, I didn't know how to nourish my inner beauty because I had such a bad experience with a druggy ex who happened to also be my first boyfriend. Now I am 25, I feel disappointed to feel like I haven't shined or blossomed. So I fake it and appearing as I am all grown up and my boobs have increased by wearing a wonder bra.
1 Answer
March 04, 2013
I can relate to your feelings of having to live up to people. They see you each day and you feel as if they are waiting for you to come up to them with clear skin. They're not. The person who is waiting is you. An important step in this disease, and believe me there are many of them, is to not do it for the faces of others (their reactions) but purely for you. Why we hold ourselves up to this high standard of beauty, I'll never understand. I too got to the point where I thought "Why does it matter? I've already scarred my entire face." But it does. Every pick deepens the internal scar, the one that demolishes self-esteem and will to live. I have hit near to rock bottom. I have felt the stings of self hatred. And now...I am 7 days pick free, and a completely different person. I want you to know it is possible to feel beauty. I wish you the best of luck.

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