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TurtleDove17 , 22 Mar 2013

Crying blood as I destroy my arms, breasts, face, back, legs... me. (DAY 1)

I'm 17 and I'm trapped in my own body. A slave to the darkness. Sentenced to a lonely cell. What's so remarkable is 90% of the people I encounter in my busy, social everyday life, do not see what is really there...don't even realize that this vibrant young successful girl is actually dying inside, suffering day and night, a prisoner to herself. I'm horrified of anyone knowing who I am on this site... I'm horrified of anyone ever finding out my secret... I'm horrified of my own flesh. Yes I believe it's not too late, I still believe my skin has a chance to glow like it naturally does, I still believe my skin has a chance to heal and my scars can fade. I mean... they have to. Or else... I don't know? I'm constantly losing weight trying to make up for my awful habit of ripping my flesh off. I'm constantly hating myself, battling this terrible "disease" every single day... I lost all of my friends...girls can be so cruel. My friends know I have this problem with myself, but they still couldn't handle seeing me push to be happy and able to live with it and be someone. If only they knew, how badly this is hurting me. Mentally, physically, emotionally... even spiritually at times. My hopes can sink so low but I really can't lose faith in myself. I like a guy, alot. He knows a little about me. But not to the extreme extent it really goes. Once I'm 18 I will be with him. But will he accept me if I can't even accept myself? This is why I know I have to make a change in my life. Dermatillomania is trying to kill me. Am I really going to let it? I'm alive and I want to live. I want to be FREE. It's not too late. My mind has become numb to the thrive of trying to stop picking...I don't even try anymore. I just pick and then analyze myself in absolute horror and disgust. I can't go on like this anymore... I really CAN'T. I started picking my arms when I was like 7 or 8 I think. I was alone in my room a lot. Now, I'm just alone. About a year ago I started picking my breasts, which has become a terrible daily habit and is taking over fast and is ruining me inside and out. And I pick pretty much here and there anywhere else on my body... oh well at least it's not my arms or my breasts... I think for a slight second. Constantly making up excuses for myself that it's okay to pick right then and there in the moment. I know what I'm doing while I'm doing it... I know that I really really really don't want to be picking, but I just can't pull myself away from the actual picking. I'm so fed up with this sickness, the shame, the bullying, the hiding, the loneliness, the expensive make up, the self hatred, the embarrassment, the paranoia ( panic attacks every time I'm in the shower thinking one of my family members is going to barge in ) the list goes on and on. I AM SICK OF THIS! When is it just going to fucking sink in that I NEED TO STOP NOW? Forgive me for my language, and my emotional story. But trust me, that's only 1% of it. I thought that if I joined this site and made a post, it would sort of help my brain get the idea that I need to seriously do this. I can't just pick because I pick. No. I need to QUIT. To make it official, and to give myself something to work on, I wanna let you guys know that this very minute I have decided to tell the public I am going Pick Free!!!!!!! It may be only day 1, but I need day 1 before I can make it to day 2 and then day 3. I am going to do this :) Thank you for reading my post, it means the world to me that someone took the time to hear me and if we can relate... then you can do it too! I'm going to post every single day my progress. I may subconsciously start to pick at my face or back or something but If I do, it won't be any longer than about 5 seconds that I will realize I am picking, and I will pull away immediately. I DO NOT WANT TO PICK ANY MORE. I AM NOT GOING TO PICK ANYMORE! :) I know it's tricky to find successful methods for treatment because everyone is different, but I've come to find that just telling myself "Don't Look!" and actually making myself not look at the area of the skin I'm wanting to pick/would usually pick at, can really help sometimes. You gotta have willpower. But I think it's alot easier not to pick your skin, when you're not looking at it. Wish me luck... and I wish you all peace with yourselves and success in your trials and challenges. This is DAY 1 ........ sincerely....... #17
9 Answers
March 22, 2013
Omg...I wish I could take away the pain you are feeling. Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you thought about any professional help. This is not about the picking, but about how we feel about ourselves. I too spent many lonely hours in my room as a kid. Always on restriction for something, made to feel like such a loser that I believed, and still believe to a certain extent, that I was. I am now 48. I am/was a cuticle picker, until they bled. Constantly hiding my hands so no one "knew"...I have a wonderful life, husband, kids, grandkids, but yet I still picked. I have also been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for 26 years. This, and some counseling has been my saving grace. Please keep posting here, and consider some sort of recovery group or counseling. We are in this together, yet feel so alone...You don't have to be.
March 22, 2013

In reply to by dynamicdj

Thank you so much for responding. I've been seeing a wonderful psychologist for a few years now, but I'm still so ashamed and embarrassed to mention my picking problem. So far I havn't picked in about 8 hours, since I made this post. I too have struggled with drug addiction in the past, marking this month my 1 year clean, which getting off the drugs did have me resorting to picking a lot more violently. I'm not giving up, I have to stay strong. Thank you for your story, you are blessed to have a nice family.
March 22, 2013

In reply to by TurtleDove17

Please tell your psychologist. Like I said to Chloee, and you know from recovery, we are only as sick as our secrets. Tell on yourself, and keep coming back here and sharing. NO ONE here will judge you, as we all feel the same disgust about this terrible disease we have. It's because we are at "dis~ease" with ourselves. Nothing is ever good enough, so I will destroy what I have. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. I wish I would get emails when you guys respond, so I can keep up with everyone. Take care...
March 22, 2013
I've also noticied that during drug abuse i wouldnt pick at my skin and nails so much but I recently got back from rehab and since then the picking started again & got so obsessive. i hate it. and i fall so depressed sometimes i think about relapsing but I never would a few days ago? It drives me crazy. LonelyLily
March 23, 2013
Wow, I feel the same as you, even though I'm 33. I used to have beautiful skin...well at least every where but my face, which would break out. But, like you, I have now tore apart my arms, back, face and breasts. It's crippling. I wish I had an answer for you. For us. I hope you're doing well with not picking the last couple days. I'm trying really hard today, and it's ok, but it's still daytime. Night time is when it's really bad for me. Well...hang in there and let us know if there's anything you find that works really well!
April 01, 2013
I'm right along with you. I'm 15 and trapped in my body. I'm overweight, but not obese. I will never get above 5 foot 1 inches, and I can never find any clothes that fit me right. I hate my body. I am COVERED in scars. I started with my arms around 8 or 9 years old, then it spread to my legs, then my back, and during puberty when I had TONS of acne, I ruined my face. Even my butt is covered. I am soo ashamed. I hate the way pop culture and the media makes me feel even worse about myself as well. I just want it all to stop. I have a skin disorder that causes me to have all these white bumps all over my body that when I squeez them, this strange, hard white rain-drop shaped thing comes out. It's weird. Not only do I pick my skin, but I pick my nose, and occasionally my ear canal. And to make it even worse, I eat it.... all. I don't know how to stop. This has caused me to loose all of my friends, and I hate myself for it. I'm lonely, and fear I will never have a love life. I also have anxiety, depression, and obsession disorders. I'M A MESS. I absolutely hate myself. Worse, I fear no one will ever be able to help me. I've tried everything; medicine, therapy, long sleeves all the time..... EVERYTHING. Nothing works. I absolutely hate myself.
April 07, 2013
I have found washing my skin with a gentle non-perfumed soap, such as Johnson's baby wash helps. I use a washcloth and plenty of baby wash to counteract the germs from my dirty fingernails. It helps prevent the infections and scars. It will not, unfortunately help the internal scars we all have.
May 06, 2013

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