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Annabee , 01 Apr 2013

Just talk about it.

Yeah it's a long post, but some people enjoy a nice long story. Hello, My name is Anna. I am 16 and I have been picking since i was around 6, yes six. My skin problems started early because I was the kid who didn't bathe and i hid my face in my greasy hair. Because of the way people treated me I became an extreme introvert, it wasn't the kids who hurt me, but my teachers, father and mother. My teachers would joke about how little me looked like a sick ghost holding my head down flat. I had a mostly verbally abusive father who would shake me and force me to wash my face. My mother had her own picking problems and would pick on my skin whenever she could see its problems. I have always had high hopes though, and still do, I even recall when i was around 10 saying to my mom in desperation "Maybe since my skin is so bad now, it will be gone by the time I am a teenager". She laughed and hesitated to disagree to such a small child about something so horrible for an individuals self esteem. My first phases of picking started with when I would go into the bathroom to get ready for bed, my dad would check me before I went to bed to make sure I cleaned myself right. So I would stay in there so long that he would drink himself tired and figure I must've done it all to spend almost an hour to hour and a half in there. I would sit on the bathroom counters and pick every little bump on my legs until i dripped with blood, being so rough on myself. I would have trouble stopping myself while going to the bathroom or bathing. That went of for 3 or 4 years until i just stopped feeling the need to mutilate myself, I had to do things like always wear pants and stare upwards while using the restroom to avoid seeing my healing, gross bumps eat away where other girls my age had flawless skin. I was so young and so scared of my body already. My leg scars are gone now and I have stared wearing shorts outside. I also mutilate my arms because of having what a lot of you have too, the small red bumps with white centers (for me mostly ingrown hairs). I do that ever so often and then force myself to wear long sleeves to stop picking them until its okay. I always start again though, through that sad cycle. The worst though is my face, probably because I cant make myself stop by wearing a ski mask all of the time. I have had off and on terrible acne breakout that move across my face. Since the beginning it has been, forehead, temples, chin, side face, and now it is still chin and the most recent cheeks. It would not have been as bad if I had not picked my cheek acne, but its such an easy place for bacteria to spread it is everywhere. This last summer was the best my skin ever was, and every day I was thankful for it, but now its back. It is so prominent and terrible I started to use makeup, not full force though, just the garnier BB cream once (rarely twice) a day. When I pick I obliterate and bleed and scar and cry. I have reached my peak. I am a very calm, good-natured female and want to build the strength inside of me to overcome this addiction I have had for 10 years of my life, it has a lot put into it, abuse, bullying, self esteem, and my future. I have a lot of hope though still that I will eventually be freed, I am not my skin and I do not see people for theirs. I just wanted to talk about it, and tell you that it's okay. When you are in front of that mirror it seems like such and individual battle, but I want you to try and see me along with the rest of people on this website behind you to hold your shoulders back and tell you that your civil war between physical and spiritual is using up your supply of life. Love yourself, because I love you just for living too. Best of luck you guys. Talk about it wherever you like, talk to me. right on here. I'm not going to baby you. I just want to relate to you. Happy Day.
4 Answers
April 04, 2013
Hey Annabee!! I just read your story and I kind of identified myself with you (although our stories are different)! I dont speak english very well but I hope you understand what Im writing. I am 18, I have been picking my skin for almost 5 years now and I just want to stop it. Sometimes I wonder how it started but I cant find the answer for what it was. Every time it happens I end up crying and feeling awful, my self esteem disappered like a long time ago. At the beginning I didnt even know that there was a name for it but the longer I kept doing it, the more I started to feel that it wasnt a normal behaviour so I started to look for it in the internet. All these yers I kept it to myself, always trying to hide the scars wearing long sleeves. A few months ago I just couldnt hide it anymore and after my mum had asked me a couple of times where i got that scars from, I decided to tell her what was going on and that i thought this was a serious problem (that was a huuuge step for me to take!). I was really relieved after finally having the chance to talk about the situation with someone and we decided that i should visit a psychologist after that. The problem is, the psychologist (and also my mum) didnt understand how bad everything was and they just concluded it was some kind of nervous habit that I could stop any time I wanted to. I stopped going to the psychologist after only a few sesions and somehow now i cant talk to my mum about this anymore. She hasnt asked me about it either and now Im stuck at the same splace as I was before. Feeling horrible, uggly and alone. I just feel that no one understands how bad this situation is for me and how the scars make me feel. I am not able to wear Dresses or T-Shirts or a pretty Top. I honestly dont understand why I cant just stop it whenever I want! For summer I tried really hard and when i give my best i actually can make it stop for a few weeks but then, when finally all the wounds are healed and there are only a few scars left, suddenly it all starts to happen again and its a terrible cycle that doesnt seem to have an end!! I just feel happy that i found this forum cause i need to talk to people that are going through the same and actually know how it feels. I really dont know what to do anymore, Im starting to think that this will be going on like that forever and i just HATE it!! Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts with us! At least for me it is so important to know that there are other people out there feeling the same way as i do!! I dont expect any answers but i just wanted you to know that I read your story and it really touched me! Thanks :)
July 25, 2013

In reply to by lau_m06

Thank you so much for the reply! it actually was right after i wrote this that i stopped picking my face and tried stopping with my arms. It is so nice to have a reply and to hear your story. It's easy to understand. I've started picking my arms again and i'm trying to stop and i've been clean on my face for these 15 weeks just today i picked my face again and instantly came on here after i did. I just needed a reminder of why and how i stopped and all of the people that had stories giving me hope to stop. I still struggle with scars and don't like putting my hair up to reveal the dark spots on my cheeks. But I see I'm getting better and have to look all around me, we all have a problem similar to this no matter what it is you do. We all find some way to punish ourselves because we're human, that's what we do! I'm not going to pick anymore for hopefully another 15 weeks or longer! but hopefully if I do I'll end up back on this website and start my journey again!
August 05, 2013

In reply to by lau_m06

I completely understand. I have two therapists, but they and my family seem to think I do it for fun. They don't realize that I have been trying to stop ever since I started, and then telling me "don't pick" isn't going to work. Nobody believes that it is a serious problem, or how much I hate myself for doing it. How much I wish I'd never started. How humiliating it is.
August 05, 2013
This sounds a lot like me. Your post kind of makes me want to cry, because it's so supportive and honest. I know I sound like an idiot, but I feel like you gave me a hug and said I can do it. So, in return, *hug*. You can do it. I'd love it if you posted on my thread too.

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